Monday, July 28, 2014

Episode 10: With a Whimper

I was so excited to see this show coming to an end that I missed one crucial point, this week it's three hours long. Good lord, that is just not fair. I am this close to the finish line of a meaningless goal and you spring this shit on me ABC? You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.


Host Chris opens up the "live" show by introducing video that took place months ago. This show is "live" only by the most liberal definition of the word. It's like if someone recorded themselves calling the 2011 World Series, aired it, and then declared it a live event. It just flat out isn't the thing that you are saying it is. That being said, the show had far fewer recaps than normal, which made it considerably more bearable.

Who won that series anyways? I can't seem to recall...

Nick gets the first family date with Andi's parents and sister. He is crazy nervous, which Andi's dad comments on by saying "He seemed reserved. Maybe it's because we were here?" Do ya think Hy? He's not going to be groping your daughter in front of you, even if she is in a weird midriffy ruffled shirt. If you want to see your daughter make out with dudes you should just watch the show. I can't say I recommend it, but it might fulfill this weird inverted Oedipal Complex you seem to have.

Andi's mom on the other hand is adorable. Nick keeps telling her how much he loves her daughter, which makes her cry a little. Her dad of course could not be more detached from the situation. Nick asks Hy for his blessing, to which Hy gives some weird speech about how he wants his daughter to be happy. Apparently this meant yes, because Nick left happy.

Next up is Josh, who is acting like a five year old right out of the gate. He greets Andi's family by basically yelling in their faces because he is so excited, and then keeps touching both Andi and his own face. Josh goes on to describe his feelings towards Andi as being "that forever kind of love feel." Thanks Winston Smith. Maybe you and you can tell Andi about your doubleplusgood feelings at the Ministry of Love.

I wish they were both unpersons.

George Orwell? Nineteen Eighty-Four? Anyone?

Josh, somewhat boldly, goes on to ask Hy for his blessing as well. Hy responds with "I have faith in Andi to make the right decision." This is the equivalent of saying "I don't want you marrying my daughter, but I also don't want these cameras around anymore so fuck it." Josh is thrilled by this, because again, the five year old thing.

At this point I was blown away. We are only half an hour into the show and so much has happened! See ABC? If you try you can make a show that isn't 95% recaps.

As if the Josh train could not stop rolling, he also gets the first date. The date, according to Andi, is going to be the two of them "taking a yacht across the Caribbean." I know what she means but that is still a dumb thing to say, lest this turn into a "Life of Pi" situation. Not to be outdone, Josh says that they can "sail back to Atlanta." Shockingly it isn't impossible to sail to Atlanta if you are willing to sail up about 250 miles of rivers, which is something I just learned via Google Maps. However I really doubt that Josh knew that.

To be fair. Atlanta is only a short march away from the sea.

After the two get back to land, Josh gives Andi a baseball card he made for her. Never forget, baseball is the entirety of his person. While the card itself was a nice gesture, it was unwittingly creepy that he changed her last name to Murray. It could have been cute, but instead he had to go and ruin it by making weird assumptions about their future. Seriously, Andi has kicked multiple guys off the show for moving too quickly for her, and she keeps this needy sack of shit around? He even ends their date by saying "I know everything about you, after two months together." What is in that Dominican water that is making them this delusional?

After that garbage ends, Nick's date begins. The two decide to go off roading on a dirt road. I'm going to let that last sentence sink in for a second before I continue. It's a literal oxymoron. I can't even... Just... Fuck it.

Nick confesses that he is concerned about the possible outcome, mostly because he is tired of wondering. Andi reassures him that he has "nothing to worry about." We will talk about this later, but in the meantime it seems to comfort Nick. He gives Andi a necklace that has sand from the beach where he first said "I love you." Someday I hope to love a girl enough to be able to give her a necklace filled with dirt.

Oh great. Dirty valuables.

After both dates, Andi wakes up the next morning and goes on a walk in her nightie (as one does) to mull over her decision. As she puts it, she has a strong mental connection and sense of passion with Nick, while with Josh she has physical attraction and a lot of fun. There is obviously an intelligent answer to this conundrum as well as the real answer, but you probably already know that.

The guys also pose without their shirts off in thoughtful positions so that America knows just how seriously they are taking this moment. Either that or it is to give the horde of women in the audience something to look at since nothing interesting has happened in the last 45 minutes. Admittedly I checked out a little during this part, so for all I know they were reciting recipes for a quality bean dip. In fact the only thing that jarred me awake was seeing Andi show up at Nick's door.

This can't be good.

It was nice that the "random" studio interviewees pretended to not know what was going on, but in reality we all knew. Nick was about to get the boot. There is a lot that can be said about the breakup, and I will probably say most of it at the end. For now though, lets just sum it up by saying that Andi just saw more of a future with Josh than Nick. After a long and relatively rough breakup, Andi leaves to meet up with Josh.

Josh, by the way, is wearing a suit that is entirely too tight. He can't even button it up without the lapels flaring out and making some kind of strange invisible boobs. Just so we are clear, there are dozens of people that looked at that suit before he went on camera and thought "yeah, that's good," so this is as much their fault as anyone's. Though they also ok'd his speech which began with "My first love was baseball," too so they couldn't have been paying that close of attention.

After they both give their weird speeches and try not so sweat through their clothes, Josh finally proposes to Andi and she accepts. I feel absolutely nothing during this part, just numb. That can't be a good sign.


The after show begins, and immediately Host Chris brings out Nick so the audience can revel in his heartbreak. Assuming it is real, it's really sad to watch. At this point it time he says he has basically resigned himself to not getting real answers as to why he was not picked. Somewhat true to the prediction, even after Andi comes out he still gets no answers. Essentially, Nick felt that Andi was stringing him along, while Andi felt whatever the producers told her to.

The Bachelorette ends with Josh and Andi talking about how much they love each other and playing with a cat. At this point I had been watching for three hours and just didn't have the strength to hold an opinion about the similarities between a reality TV star and and internet cat. Sorry, but that is just the way it is going to be.

Pictured: Andi Dorfman thinking.

If I am leaving this season with one idea, it is that this format of a show is terrible. Not so much for the fans or the network, but for the individuals involved. In this case, Andi Dorfman was basically required to string a guy along that she knew she wouldn't pick, just so people could watch her not pick him. I get it too, the network needs to make money off a certain format that requires shows to be aired at specific times. Both sides aren't wrong, this just a cruel format to put individuals into. Basically, Andi knew weeks ago who she was going to pick, but had to keep entertaining other guys in order to keep the show going. Realistically the humane thing would be to just end it when you know it isn't going anywhere. Instead, these individuals are forced to carry out functionally meaningless relationships for extended periods of time in order to fulfill a schedule. At the end of the day it isn't just Nick that we should feel bad for, it's Andi as well. She had to drag him along against her will and lead him to nonexistent conclusions in order to make the show work. I don't believe that Andi has any real claim to moral high ground, but in this case lets at least recognize how hard this job can be as well.

Thanks for reading this season,

Gossip Squirrel

No comments:

Post a Comment