Monday, July 14, 2014

Episode 9: The Triumvirate Dissolves

Well that was boring. This week's episode of The Bachelorette was fast approaching a literal definition of filler. Do we really need two hours to see three dates and an unnecessary rose ceremony? Oh my god, even typing that was boring. The whole episode basically just made the muscles in my neck give out and my head just sort of flop around. So boring.

On the up side, this boring show did give me a chance to watch Weird Al's new video a handful of times. It's great, and anyone who disagrees is wrong.

I'll plug Weird Al forever. This comes out today.

This week the show opens in the Dominican Republic. Well that isn't entirely true. The show actually opens with Andi talking about the final three guys and wistfully staring off towards the horizon. We then get ten minutes of bullshit season recaps. True to form this was really boring for anyone who has seen this season, and incomprehensible for anyone who hasn't. If I'm being honest, this entire episode could have been about 40 minutes long and been way more compelling.

The first date of the week was Nick. For being so "important" I was a little surprised that it was basically just a beach date. They take a helicopter to said beach, which is a big deal for some reason. To be sure they don't miss anything, the producers make Nick and Andi wear headsets while on the plane. Unfortunately for the pilot, they never take those headsets off and proceed to suck face the entire flight. The slurping sounds alone probably made him more sick than air travel ever has.


Nick and Andi hang out on the beach and make out for pretty much the remainder of the date. I suppose this technically qualifies as TV, but holy shit was it boring to watch. The only saving grace was Nick's fairytale book. Andi sees it and says "It's like the story of us!" Not only is it "like" the story of you two Andi, it's a literal allegory. A bad one, but an allegory none the less. By the way, those drawings belong in an evidence locker somewhere. That was some creepy shit.

Andi is very impressed with this, saying that Nick was both "very romantic" and "fatherly" in the same sentence. Somewhere, both Freud and creepy old men are nodding approvingly.

"Did someone just say daddy issues?"

Finally the date ends and the two go into the "Fantasy Suite" or as I call it the "Fuck Tent." That's basically what it is. Just a place for these two relative strangers who think they love each other to exchange juices. Nick at one point says he's going to "talk your ear off" to Andi, which I suspect is code for "have disappointing sex." A fantasy indeed.

Josh's date is mostly more of the same. The two go exploring for the umpteenth time, and stumble into various street festivals. Whoever is directing this show should be fired, because literally every week someone goes exploring. This week was no exception, complete with aphrodisiacs, street dancing, and little league baseball. All of this leads Andi to talk about how much she likes Josh because he just says whatever he wants and has no problem making a fool out of himself. By the way, those are the traits of a drunk person. I think Andi may just love wine.

Wine: Making this person interesting since 2014

After "exploring" the pair finds a group of children playing baseball and decides to join them, BECAUSE JOSH WAS A FORMER BASEBALL PLAYER! DO YOU GET IT? These children clearly have terrible parents, because they all agree to let this strange grown man hang out with them. They should have run to the nearest authority and said a man with caterpillars for eyebrows was trying to play with them. Does a night in a Dominican Jail count as a fantasy suite? Because that is where they should have ended up.

The rest of their date is dinner, during which no one eats, and talking. Josh doesn't want to be seen as a "jock type" but does absolutely nothing to differentiate himself from that stereotype. The two make out and talk about how great the other is for a while and then retreat into a different fuck tent. This episode was seriously 70% making out and recaps.

Speaking of make outs...

Chris had the last date, and once again ABC has decided that everyone on the show is going to be defined by one personal trait. They ride horses through the country, I assume because Chris is a farmer and horses are more exciting than harvesting soybeans.  Perhaps the only saving grace for this segment was Andi's interactions with her horse. Before even getting on she refers to horses as "3,000 pound animals." I'm no equine scientist but 3,000 pounds seems a little heavy for a horse, though this show would have been a lot more interesting if Andi did have to ride a horse that big. Especially since she freaked out that the horse was walking slightly faster.

The two have a picnic and play hide and seek, because apparently they are six. Chris, it seems, still plays hide and seek with his family because Iowa is that boring. How is that supposed to convince her to move to Iowa with you? You've been playing this game your whole life and you're not even good at it. All you did was hide behind a bush, through which you could see Andi. There's letting her win, and then there's stupidity. I genuinely don't know which one Chris was after.

At dinner Chris gets dumped, but handles it very well. If there was a textbook way to get dumped, this is it. No tears or pleading or arguing, just responsibility and acceptance. I've always liked Chris, but this really solidified him as an awesome fella in my mind. It's too bad we won't be seeing more of him any time soon.

Sometimes snapchat is awesome.

Andi dumping Chris takes forever, and frankly could have been done in about five minutes as opposed to forty. Once it's over though, nothing really happens. There's a pointless rose ceremony that we are forced to watch, as well as a one on one with Andi and Host Chris. Absolutely nothing happens, but at least ABC got an extra few commercial breaks.

Speaking of, ABC has absolutely the worst lineup of shows right now. Mistresses, Wipeout, The Bachelorette, The Bachelor in Paradise, and How To Get Away With Murder are all on during a given week and I really think there's a chance I'm watching the best of those shows. How is this even a network?

There's no real context for this. It's just funny and I obviously couldn't post it last week.

So at this point there are only two weeks left, and I can definitely see how the beginning of these shows is more interesting than the end. At least for the purposes of this blog, the more weirdos on a show together makes my life easier. Are there other shows out there that have this same style and ridiculousness? I've legitimately enjoyed writing these, and would consider keeping it going if we can find another show to fill the gaps between bachelors/bachelorettes. If anyone has suggestions let me know, though before you even suggest it, Bachelor in Paradise is out. I barely have the patience for a show like The Bachelorette, much less that nonsense.

No obnoxious wrap up this week, just find another show for me to blog.

Thanks for reading,

Gossip Squirrel

1 comment:

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