Monday, February 16, 2015

Episode 7: Carly Will Rise!

Three hours of The Bachelor in one night is entirely too much. I don't know about anyone else, but after the second hour I started to get fidgety and, honestly, spaced out a little. In retrospect I am sure they added the Chris Tells All segment to try and compete with the SNL 40 special tonight, but this was definitely too much. Of course, I shouldn't get too crotchety, as I have to watch another two hours tomorrow. This could be a rough week for me.

This picture just makes me laugh.

The three hour extravaganza begins with a segment entitled Chris Tells All, which obviously isn't a great title for two reasons. First, Chris was only onscreen for about 15 minutes of the hour-long segment. It's hard to justify naming a show after someone and featuring them in less than a third of it. Second, Chris obviously did not tell all. Chris didn't even tell a little. The entirety of his segment consisted of revisiting current and past contestants, mocking Ashley S, and telling a story about Sully the donkey. This could have been named Donkey Talk With Chris Soules and I would have been much more interested.

Outside of Chris' brief appearance on the show bearing his name, we were treated to two other interviews. The first of these was Kelsey, who was voted off last week for being an ultimate villain. She has stopped by to talk with Host Chris about how she was portrayed on the show. Kelsey attempts to do some damage control and appear more human and less Wicked Witch, but to no avail. When asked if she thinks she is smarter than the other women, Kelsey says that she is not, but immediately shoehorns the word "ameliorate" into her next sentence to let you know that she really is. Kelsey also blames Ashley as the cause of her departure from The Bachelor. A word to the wise: if you are outfoxed by someone like Ashley I, you deserve to be sent home. I didn't think she actually stopped crying long enough to formulate a plan.

Kelsey also said she was afraid to see the other women again as she felt that "it could turn into a crucifixion."Of course, like any good villain, she put herself in the role of Jesus. Let us all be thankful and praise Kelsey Poe for her sacrificial and undying love. It is because of her that this show has become a train wreck.

"Not sure I'm going to be able to ameliorate this situation guys..." - Jesus

The final segment on Donkey Talk was with last season's bachelorette, Andi Dorfman. Fresh off a breakup with The Bachelor winner, Josh Murray, Andi stops by the set to chat with Host Chris about how sad she is. Did I say chat? I meant perpetually cry and make horrible sniffling sounds directly into her microphone. Seriously, how is The Bachelor picking up all the tears and snot sounds as well as they are? Do they have contestant's sinuses mic'd? There is some technological marvel happening here that we aren't appreciating enough.

Once Donkey Talk ends, The Bachelor begins. As was the case last week, and will be the case tomorrow, the show begins with a cocktail party. Within three minutes of the party's beginning, however, Megan tells Chris that she isn't feeling a progression in their relationship and peaces out. Chris takes this hard, despite the fact that we really know nothing about Megan outside of her inability to locate Santa Fe on a map. Apparently he saw something in her that we did not. Distraught by Megan's departure, Chris decides to cancel the rose ceremony and take the remaining women to Iowa.

Iowa is actually a pretty cool state.

Once the group arrives in Des Moines, Jade receives the first one on one date. She and Chris go to his hometown of Arlington and spend the day together. Like most towns of its size, Arlington is dying and only holds a population of around 400. Jade is understandably nervous about moving to a town of this size, especially considering that there are a grand total of three businesses (four if you count the Methodist church) in the entire town. She seems to handle the shock well though, and reassures him throughout, letting Chris know that she's happy to move with him regardless.

Jade and Chris then visit his old high school and watch a football game where she meets his parents for the first time. Just a note to all readers out there who didn't make the connection, this is not the way to introduce a significant other to your parents. At least give both parties a heads up that the other will be there. Nothing good can come from springing this kind of surprise on someone, as Chris did. Luckily for him, Jade handled it well and seemed to enjoy the night.

Your Bachelor, ladies and gentlemen.

During the game, the pair snuck into his old high school and wandered through the halls before making out in front of the English classroom. As Chris puts it, "Kissing Jade outside my old English Classroom was great. What we were doing had nothing to do with English though. It was more like French." I've got a lot to say about this so buckle up.

First, I'll assume Chris means his former English classroom and not his Old English classroom. Unless he was reading an un-translated version of Beowulf in there, it's probably just an English Classroom. Second, please don't get so excited about kissing girls in a high school, lest you turn into Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. Third, yes Chris. You are very clever. We all get that you were french kissing Jade, but that's not really French is it? If you were really French, you would immediately bend to any passing conflict and also be surprisingly racist. You really don't want to be French.

Chris did leave with an air punch though, which was pretty entertaining.

The second one on one date went to Whitney, who spent the day with Chris in Des Moines. After a brief stop over at an art gallery, Chris and Whitney walk around the city and take pictures showcasing their love for each other. That evening the couple visited a bar where they met Chris' friends who questioned Whitney and ultimately gave her their blessing. I'm a cynical asshole, and even I couldn't find anything shitty to say about this date. It was cute and I like Chris and Whitney together. Best of luck to both on their future.

While Whitney is on her date with Chris in Des Moines, Carly, Kaitlyn, Britt, and Becca decide to sneak out and visit Arlington on their own. Their excitement to see Chris' home quickly fades, as they realize what a depressed town Arlington is. While exploring the town, Carly peers inside the church to see a framed picture of Jesus on the wall. She takes this as a sign of fate, since her grandparents had the exact same photo on their wall. While Carly was blown away by the coincidence of it all, I was not. There are literally millions of pictures of Jesus in the US, and some of them are bound to be the same. Now if it was a picture of Muhammed, I would be impressed. 

Take that, Fundamentalists!

Despite her belief in the matchmaking power of Jesus, Carly was absolutely wonderful in this episode. She had great one liners like "Hey mom, don't Google my wife" when Jade confessed her past in nude modeling. She also did a hilarious SeƱor Wences-sque hand puppet mockery of Britt, complete with proclaiming "Carly will rise!" Someone get this woman a show. I could watch her for hours.

The final date of the episode was a group date between Carly, Britt, and Kaitlyn. What the hell happened to Becca in this episode? She traveled with everyone to Arlington but never got to spend any actual time with Chris. Why did they cut her out of the group date? I don't particularly care, as she hasn't had enough screen time to make an impression on me one way or the other, but I am curious as to why she would be excluded this late in the show.

As I was saying, the group date was at an ice skating rink in Des Moines. No one involved was a particularly good skater, but Chris was outright bad. Multiple times he would be at a standstill, then start leaning forward until eventually falling over. I know Chris has a certain boyish charm, but that is literally boyish. We've all seen our fair share of toddlers fall over for no discernible reason, and at this point I'm not sure Chris isn't a hunky toddler.

Carly takes some time during the group date to tell Chris about Britt's lack of enthusiasm for Arlington. Of course Britt, publicly says she loves the small town, but she apparently was less interested in the prospect of moving there when speaking to Carly and Kaitlyn. Chris, who has learned some subtlety since last week's debacle between Ashley and Kelsey, questions Britt on this. She maintains that she is excited to both introduce him to her parents and potentially move to Iowa. He could not have been too concerned about her intentions, because Chris immediately proceeded to make out with Britt after this conversation.

Chris decides to leave the issue and goes on to talk with the other two women. Kaitlyn receives the rose for the date because of her insecurities surrounding the process. It was a genuinely nice gesture by Chris, and one of the better moments he has had on the show. But of course, no good deed goes unpunished, and Britt throws a small tantrum for not receiving the rose. Specifically, she does not want to be second or third in her hypothetical husband's life, which she feels like she is to Chris. Of course this goes against the very structure of the show, which seems like something Britt should understand by now. 

If I had to guess, she's setting herself up to try and be the next bachelorette. What could be better than leaving one show due to lack of attention, only to become the focal point of another? Don't be surprised to see a lot more of Britt next season.

The real question is, will she continue to wear Converse with her dresses as the Bachelorette?

Much Love,

Gossip Squirrel

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