Tonight's episode of Bachelor in Paradise began in truly spectacular fashion, with a 90's sitcom style opening. The fun intro was replete with cheesy smiles, oversized graphics, and a shot of Chris Harrison reading his own book, The Perfect Letter. If I had to guess, he has never read a page of that ghostwritten book. Either that or he was masturbating to his own narcissism.
The episode opens with Claire, the most recent arrival, trying to decide who to take on a date. Ashley I immediately blurts out that she has "dibs" on Jared, which is only true in her mind. Claire is clearly disappointed in Ashley I's pre-teen understanding of dating, but decides not to pursue Jared in the name of social harmony. To date, Ashley I has been about as enjoyable as a catheter.
Why did I image search "catheter?"
Claire's decision is made harder by the fact that Ashley S and Dan have also coupled up, fresh from their "date" at the hospital. We still don't know why Ashley S was taken to the hospital do we? I didn't roll my eyes so hard at Ashley I that I passed out and missed a portion of the show did I? A first-episode hospital visit seems like the kind of thing the producers would at least want to address.
Speaking of things the producers should have addressed, Jonathan and Juelia are apparently a couple now, despite a complete lack of screen time since they arrived. It's not that I actively want to see more of Jonathan or Juelia, but it would be nice to see at least an occasional update on their relationship.
With so many couples forming, Claire is left with a difficult choice between Mikey, JJ, or filling her pockets with rocks and walking into the ocean. Before she can find suitable rocks, however, Mikey approaches and asks to go on the date with her. Claire is reluctant to accept the emotional suicide that is a date with Mikey, but ultimately relents.
"Do I go on a date with Mikey or Virginia Woolf myself?"
The two arrive at a tantric yoga studio, which combines the relaxing meditation of yoga with rubbing butts together. Mikey really enjoys the date, saying that his favorite position was "downward Claire" and that he "hopes to see her in that position again when the cameras aren't around." Claire was unavailable for comment, presumably because she was off showering after being rubbed down by the world's biggest creep.
After their butt-touching yoga, Mikey tells Claire that he really likes her. Claire responds by saying she only just got here and would still like to meet more people, because she's polite. Mikey then tells Claire that he wants to kiss her, either because he's deaf or just that stupid. Luckily for everyone involved, Claire shuts him down with a resounding "NO!"
Claire answers Mikey's advances.
I'm just going to keep using that gif forever.
Ashley S got the next date card, and took her hospital buddy, Dan, out for dinner and dancing. The two seem like a fine couple, and it is refreshing to see Ashley S portrayed as a normal human woman and not an alien who crash landed on this planet. However, Ashley S did have one positively head scratching moment. Excited by her date with Dan, she says "I don't know if he makes me feel like a woman or a child, but I like it." Those are two very different states of being and make all the difference between being a socially acceptable and being a file on Jared Fogle's computer.
Back on the beach, Jared goes for a walk with Tenley. Ashley I takes this as a personal attack on her perceived relationship with Jared and breaks down into predictable tears. "I hate it when they're with old ladies!" Ashley I exclaims, not realizing that Tenley is a mere three years older than herself. The irony of crying like a child because your crush is spending time with an older woman should be lost on no one.
Behold! The ravages of age!
Commercial Break: Did anyone else see the commercial for an acne medication whose side effects included "bloody diarrhea?" Was this a real commercial or an Inside Amy Schumer sketch about the lengths Americans will go to for beauty? It was real? Fuck.
The first cocktail party of the season begins. Ashley I immediately pulls Jared aside to apologize for her awkwardness and express her fear that someone will "steal him away." Jared tells her that he is still open to seeing other people here, which Ashley I understands. Her sister (Lauren) is upset by Jared's disinterest, saying "Ashley deserves someone who will treat her like a princess." No, she doesn't. Unless her father is some sort of secret royalty, or Christ himself appointed her to the position through divine right, Ashley I doesn't deserve shit. At best, she deserves to be treated like a reality TV star.
Jillian and Tenley, realizing there was only one available rose remaining, both began to ferociously compete for JJ's affection. JJ, on the other hand, took time to reestablish himself as an asshole. He proclaimed that he was enjoying the power and that "Tomorrow the women will be in charge again, like normal." I'm not sure what world JJ lives in where women dictatorially rule over men, but it is not a world with which I am familiar. Maybe in JJ's world, dogs also walk on two legs. That would be neat.
He thinks he's people!
Jared also told Claire that he would give his rose to her if possible, much to everyone's surprise. Ashley I overhears them talking and starts crying. Again. What little patience I had for her return has already worn thin.
The rose ceremony saw most of the couples we expected. Tanner and Jade, Carly and Kirk, Ashley S and Dan, and Jonathan and Juelia all paired up. Mikey gave his rose to Claire because he clearly can't take a hint. With Claire off the table, Jared gave his rose to Ashley I/Lauren which is a decision that surely will not sent her any mixed messages. The final rose was JJ's, who hemmed and hawed and community theater overacted the gravity of the decision facing him. In the end, he picked Tenley, sending Jillian and her black box home.
Found a sweet shot of Jillian's ass.