Tuesday, August 18, 2015

BiP Episode 6: The Dumbest Person I've Ever Met

Last night’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise opened with the continued fallout from the Juelia/Joe/Samantha confrontation. Juelia sits down with Samantha to finally inform her of what an asshole Joe has been, hoping to save her from him. Samantha wants no part of this, however, and tells Juelia she won’t talk to her unless Joe is in the room.  According to Samantha, this is because she “doesn’t want any drama.” In reality, it’s so the two can get their stories straight about their past relationship. For two people who plotted for months before coming on the show, they sure are terrible at it.

Samantha also leaves her conversation with Juelia by saying “It’s fine. We’re good.” Here’s a quick piece of advice for everyone reading this: if your friend comes to you and says, “Hey. Your boyfriend is an asshole who treated me like shit,” don’t respond by saying, “Don’t worry about it. I’m not mad at you for his actions.”  At best, that’s insensitive and at worst makes you look like a colossal cunt.

 At worst.

While this is happening, Tanner confides in Jared that he has seen texts from Joe and Samantha plotting to meet in Paradise. Armed with this newfound information, the two confront Joe. Before Joe has a chance to lie, Samantha (the Yoko Ono to Joe’s life) enters and asks to speak to Joe alone. After the two men leave, Joe and Samantha immediately begin working on matching their stories. What they don’t realize is the camera crew is filming their entire conversation. I haven’t seen a conspiracy end up in such a disaster on a beach since The Bay of Pigs.

How do we convince everyone we didn't talk to those Cubans before they landed on the beach?

Ashley S is still very upset with Dan after being dumped by him. Despite the break up, she still believes he will give her a rose because there is no one else in Paradise for him. Immediately following this prediction, Amber (Soules’ season) arrives and announces that she hopes to meet Dan. What are the odds? Ashley S just said there was no one available for Dan, and then someone showed up! Quick! Someone wish for a million dollars.

Amber’s interest in Dan pays off when he agrees to go on a date with her. Being the good guy that he is, Dan decides to speak to Ashley S first in the name of transparency. You would think this level of gentlemanly decency would be met with some gratitude from Ashley S, but that is not the case. Instead, Ashley S takes this opportunity to yell at him for not talking to her all morning after dumping her the night before. Then she yells at him for being a nice guy when he does talk to her. Then she yells at the camera that everyone she’s ever dated has been an asshole. It was a pretty yell-heavy segment.

Chris Harrison takes pride in his emotional manipulation.

A merciful break from Ashley S’ rage came next in the form of JJ’s date with Megan. Megan’s pun game was strong throughout the date. While yachting, Megan says “if this date goes well, he’ll be motor boating me,” and “this is the fastest I’ve ever gotten wet on a date.” I don’t know if I’m more impressed that she came up with two yachting puns so quickly, or that ABC didn’t edit out everything she said.

JJ ruins any good will I had for this date, however, when he describes Megan as “A little different (from him) intellectually, but still gorgeous.” You can’t do that, JJ. You can’t talk about a woman as if she was your childhood dog. “Sure she’s not the brightest, but she’s a beautiful specimen,” is not an acceptable way to talk about someone you’re on a date with. At that point, you might as well just go all in and call her a bitch.

 A beautiful blonde bitch.

Back in Paradise, Ashley S does not seem to be handling the breakup well. She says/yells “I have feelings, and he (Dan) has none!” Not to be outdone by her own hyperbole, Ashley S also describes the feeling of being dumped as, “Literally the pain of death.” She says this without so much as a pause, which leads me to believe one of two things. Either Ashley S is literally unfamiliar with the concept of figurative statements, or she herself has experienced the pain of death and risen from it with knowledge of what the infinite void holds for all humanity. I really hope it’s the latter.

Later on, a bird poops in Ashley S’ hand, which she narrates with the serenity of a golf announcer. I sincerely think this woman has snapped and is only moments away from attacking the entire cast and crew. No sane person can handle shit without at least grimacing.

Despite her worst wishes, Dan and Amber’s date goes very well. The two walk to dinner while being followed by a group of locals chanting for them to “Beso!” and not, as I originally thought, asking for “Pesos.” My Spanish is not great. Regardless, the couple kisses, to the delight of all watching.

Please stop kissing. We're so hungry.

The grand finale of last night’s episode was JJ’s fight with Joe. JJ instigated the fight, after Tanner informed him of Joe and Samantha’s plotting. In JJ’s words, “I really like Juelia. I care about her. She’s a girl.” Indeed she is, JJ. Indeed she is. How very astute.

Joe is annoyed to be discussing this again, and wants to be done with the issue. “You bury a dead body and keep digging it back up,” he says. Yeah, Joe. That’s what happens when people find a dead body. You dig it up and try to determine a cause of death. What you don’t do is lie to everyone about possibly killing that person and start throwing dirt back on the corpse. Also, that metaphor is way too specific to not be from experience. How many bodies have you buried, Joe?

That man definitely knows how to dig a shallow grave.

At one point in their argument, Joe yells at JJ, “I have a sister more intelligent than you!” Is that… an insult? Is there something special about Joe’s sister we need to know in order to register this as hurtful? If I had to guess, this is just some good old fashioned, backwoods Kentucky misogyny. I also have a sister more intelligent than JJ, but you don’t hear me bragging about it.

Joe’s circular arguments progress until he is barely coherent before he leaves. As he walks away, JJ tries to fight Joe. “I’m gonna make him look like the hillbilly he is,” JJ says, “Because he’s going to go home with four missing teeth.” Easy there, White Knight. It’s hard to take you too seriously as a valiant defender of a lady’s honor when earlier in the day you called Megan stupid. Maybe work on fixing your own douche-baggery before attacking someone else’s.

It’s too bad though. I really would have loved to see that fight.


Gossip Squirrel


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