For what feels like the fifth week in a
row, tonight's episode of Bachelor in Paradise opens
with Joe. Fresh off his breakup with Samantha, he has been roped into
commiserating with fellow dumpee, Ashley I. She has cornered Joe in hopes that
he will share in her emotional devastation. Joe, however, has the personality
of a house plant and says, "I'm not a very sensitive
guy." No shit, Joe. You're not a very anything guy. All
you've done to this point is poorly lie about your short-lived relationship with
Samantha. The only things I know about Joe is that he's kind of stupid and
likes to call people "bitches." That's not surprising either, as those
two things usually go hand in hand.
Joe's lack of sensitivity sends Ashley I into another bout of
tears. Whatever emotional capacity Joe is lacking, Ashley I makes up for two fold.
Her small victory of "holding it together for an hour," was
completely undone when she started crying before the end of the sentence.
Presumably, the thought of not crying made her upset. Ashley I has turned into
some sort of perpetual crying machine.
Don't you see? Her tears will never stop flowing!
Fresh off his return to Paradise, Mikey receives a date card. He
chooses Juelia to accompany him. The new couple travels to Guadalajara for what
Juelia assumes is to be a romantic night. While en route to their date, Juelia
and Mikey make out a little. That's a pretty big step for someone who shut down
Mikey's advances only two weeks ago. Maybe she feels indebted to him for
keeping her in Paradise, or perhaps Juelia is afraid Mikey will eat her if she
says no. That dude is huge.
Back in Paradise, Joe finally realizes that Samantha went full
Lady Macbeth on him and he's not too happy about it. He pulls Samantha
aside again, this time threatening to show their text messages and expose her
as a master manipulator unless she "gets with" Joe again. For someone
who was so upset about being manipulated, Joe had no problem trying to
blackmail love out of Samantha. This is the "stop hitting yourself"
of manipulation.
On the less rage inducing side of Paradise, Kirk and Carly are
going fishing. Carly describes their mutual love of fishing and how it bonded
them as a couple early on. For being a passion of hers, Carly seems to know
nothing about fishing. Kirk teaches her some of the basics as the two cast
their lines into the breakers, where there are never any fish. Look, I’m not
saying this date wasn’t the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m just saying these
two aren’t the fishing experts they claimed to be.
Kirk and Carly's "fishing expert" son.
Meanwhile in Guadalajara, Juelia is looking forward to a
romantic date. Mikey, on the other hand, isn’t quite sure what to expect from the
night. “It’s always a cool feeling to not know exactly what is going on,” he
says. If Mikey thinks cluelessness is a cool feeling, he must feel cool all the
time.
Instead of the
romantic date Juelia had hoped for, the two arrive at an area where they will
be watching lucha libre wrestling. Mikey absolutely loved the show and Juelia
seemed to at least play along. After the show ended the pair even got in the
ring and practiced some wrestling moves of their own. It’s no surprise that the
contestants enjoyed the date so much since Bachelor
in Paradise and professional wrestling are basically the same thing. Both
have heels and faces blurring the lines between fantasy and reality while
competing for the attention of the audience. No wonder both have been staples
of Monday night TV for so long.
"Accept this rose or I'll powerbomb you through a table."
Before they leave the
arena, Mikey and Juelia are presented with a fantasy suite card. Keep in mind,
they’ve been seeing each other for less than 72 hour at this point, so the fact that
a fantasy suite is even being offered to them is pretty uncomfortable. Juelia
picks up on the awkwardness and asks Mikey if he would be uncomfortable sharing
a room with her. He responds by saying, “No, because I’m a man.” Truer words
have never been spoken.
In Paradise, Ashley I
is still looking for someone to commiserate with when she spots Jorge the
bartender. She says that every day in Paradise is worse than the last, but on
the upside she hasn’t cried in almost three hours now. Little victories,
Ashley. Little victories.
Joe sees Ashley I alone
and asks for her help in winning back Samantha. Since Samantha told Joe she
wanted a clean start, Ashley I suggests Joe pretend to meet her for the first
time. It’s actually not a bad strategy, but Joe doesn’t seem to fully grasp the
concept. “Hi, I’m Joe,” he says, “Would you like a s'more?” While that’s not a
bad way to introduce yourself to an actual stranger, to Samantha it probably
looked like Joe went temporarily face blind.
Does he really not remember me? I gave him a handjob in the pool last week...
As Samantha awkwardly
walks away from Joe, Justin (Kaitlyn’s season) arrives in Paradise. Before he
can ask anyone on a date, Joe pulls Justin aside to tell him not to pick
Samantha. Being the good friend that he is, Justin immediately asks Samantha
out. I’m beginning to think that no one on this show understands the concept of
friendship. Every time someone asks for a favor from another person they are stabbed in the back.
The episode ends with
Joe silently freaking out that Justin has asked out Samantha. I also silently
freak out, but that’s because anytime I see Joe it sends my blood pressure
through the roof. He somehow has a way of simultaneously saying nothing and the most infuriating thing imaginable, and it's driving me crazy. The Venn diagram of Joe's screen time and my rising stress level is a circle.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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