Tuesday, September 1, 2015

BiP Episode 10: I Just Believe They're Real

I never thought in all my life I would be this excited to see a single mother get peed on.

Let me explain.

For what feels like the first time this season, Bachelor in Paradise did not begin with Joe. Instead, the show begins with Juelia getting stung by a jellyfish while on the beach with Tenley. In an effort to relieve the pain, Juelia convinces Tenley to pee on her leg. “Pee is the only thing that works,” Juelia says, “Don’t miss,” and, “Oh it feels warm.” Out of context, I would have attributed any of those quotes to R Kelly.

"I just assumed a jellyfish stung her face."

In Paradise, the guys lament the loss of Joe and blame Samantha despite the fact that Joe is a completely functional human being capable of making his own decisions. Carly joins the Samantha-hate party as well, though her hatred stems less from a need to avenge Joe than a general dislike for Samantha. In an attempt to oust Samantha from Paradise, Carly tries to convince the newly arrived Chelsie to ask Dan out on a date.

The plan fails, however, when Chelsie asks Nick out instead. Nick enthusiastically accepts the date, mostly to, “Get away from Ashley S, if we’re being honest.” He isn’t the only one to have issues with Ashley S. She has yelled at others for being sick, drinking water, and even told Carly, “You are not treating me the way Jesus would treat people,” when she refused red lipstick. I’m not sure that last one is actually an insult, considering Jesus once murdered 2,000 pigs on a whim. Carly didn’t even murder one pig.

This should be the final date of the season.

Nick decides to tell Ashley S about his upcoming date with Chelsie. He opens the conversation by telling Ashley S that she “smells like a brewery.” Given the lack of hygiene in Paradise and how much yeast breweries use, Nick could have meant this as an actual medical concern.

Seriously though. That’s a dick thing to say to another person, even if you’re breaking up with them.

Mackenzie (Chris Soules’ season) arrives in Paradise next. According to Ashley I, “America will remember Mackenzie as the sweet, really young mom who loves aliens.” I’m not sure that is actually the case because I barely remembered that Mackenzie existed; never mind the fact that she has an obsession with aliens. This show must be rotting my brain.

Now there's a name I have not heard in a very long time.

While America struggles to remember Mackenzie, Nick and Chelsie enjoy some time on a yacht for their date. Within minutes, they reenact scenes from Titanic, though The Poseidon Adventure would have been way more entertaining. I say we flip that yacht upside down and give Nick and Chelsie a real bonding experience.

On the mainland, the super-sleuth team of Mackenzie and Ashley I are trying to decode Mackenzie’s date card. “Pick a man you can see a future with,” Mackenzie says, “Could they mean aliens?” I suppose they could mean aliens, but then the producers would be terrible at giving clues. Also, what kind of a date theme is “aliens?” Aliens is the theme of SETI and The History Chanel, not a date. Unless ABC’s production staff has kept a very huge secret from us, that’s a pretty unlikely guess.

 You can't have "aliens" on a network with "history" in the title. You just can't.

While Mackenzie continues to try and guess what her date will entail, a new arrival appears in Paradise. Jaclyn (Ben Flajnik’s Season) yells, “Hi bitches,” to a group of total strangers, just in case you were unsure whether or not she would be completely exhausting. She also asks Juelia for a rundown of everything that has happened in Paradise, but interrupts her, saying, “I don’t care who is single.” Then what do you want to know, Jaclyn? It’s a dating show. Single or taken is the entire plot.

Is love supposed to be terrifying?

Mackenzie finally picks Justin to go on a date with her and the two set off into the surrounding jungle. They approach a strange campsite where they encounter a large Mexican man carrying a torch. In Spanish, the man tells them both to take off their clothes, which they immediately do. This is why Mackenzie and Justin are both single parents. You can’t just take off your clothes at the request of every passing stranger.

The mysterious man has them partake in a lengthy ritual which includes rubbing mud on each other, bathing each other, a conch shell, and flower crowns. Surprisingly, following a stranger into the woods and participating in a mysterious ceremony did not result in ritualistic murder. Instead, the couple is married. Even by Bachelor in Paradise standards, that is quick.

Mackenzie is elated by this news, wasting no time in letting everyone know they are married. “For real, we’re married in Mexico,” she says without a trace of irony, “We’re like, Mexican citizen married.” Does she actually believe this is how Mexicans are married? I feel that someone should explain to Mackenzie that Mexico is a functional democracy and the Mayan Empire isn’t in charge anymore. In fact, Mexican weddings are just like American weddings, only with better food.

I don't know if I should be delighted by her childlike wonder or shocked by her ignorance. Since she's a mother I'll go with the latter.

While Mackenzie continues to talk about her marriage and mermaids (she thinks they’re real?) Jaclyn is on a home wrecking warpath. She refers to all the men on the show as “Kaitlyn’s rejects,” before sitting down to harass talk to Jared. Jaclyn tries to convince Jared that he is sick of Ashley I, which he denies despite literally everything we have seen on this show. Sensing impending doom, Ashley I runs off to ask Chris Harrison for an overnight date card.

That’s right. The virgin just asked for time in a fantasy suite. Let that sink in.

What is happening?

Just as Jaclyn asks Jared on a date, Ashley I interrupts to ask him on the overnight date. Jared reluctantly agrees to the overnight saying, “It’s something to do.” Does he not remember that this emotionally unstable woman who is obsessed with him is a virgin? Going on an overnight date at this point is practically asking to create a stalker.

Ashley I is excited for the opportunity to lose her virginity on national TV. This is gruesome. Virginity isn’t something that should be lost in prime time. It should be lost in the back seat of a car, lied about to your friends, or sold on Craigslist. Anything else is downright un-American.


Gossip Squirrel

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