Last night’s episode of The Bachelor begins with a competitive group date. Ten lucky women go with Ben to “Bachelor High” where “Principal Harrison” introduces them to a friendly competition. The women are to pair off in teams of two where they will compete in a variety of “class” themed events including science, geometry, gym, and “lunch class.” The way they accepted his explanation so easily, you’d think none of these people had ever been to high school before.
You read that last part right, by the way. Chris Harrison said the words “Lunch Class.” I’m not sure why those words came out of his mouth nor why no one else found this weird enough to mention. My best guess is that Chris Harrison is an alien still learning our language and customs. Why else would he think every season of The Bachelor is, “the most exciting yet,” constantly have that vacant expression, or use roses as currency? He’s an alien, that’s why.
The entire date was an absolute debacle with each competition looking more like the intro to a porn scene than a high school. Science came first, where the women mixed chemicals inside a paper mâché volcano in an attempt to “make Ben’s volcano explode.” Lace and Jubilee were eliminated after Lace forgot how to read and mixed the wrong chemicals together. In her defense, science is really hard when you’re hung over.
"That's my secret. I'm always hung over"
“Lunch Class” was next. The challenge itself consisted of bobbing for apples and then passing them to a partner via their mouths. The women had to search for the one red apple among the bunch because, as Ben put it, “It’s red like my heart.” They’re red like everyone’s heart, Ben. That’s how blood works.
In the end, Jackie and her partner were eliminated because, as Lauren H put it, “Jackie’s not too good with her mouth.” The implication here is that Jackie isn’t good at sucking dick because she can’t fit an entire apple in her mouth. That either speaks to the size of Ben’s apple, or Lauren H’s misunderstanding of oral sex.
Next was geography class where every contestant misplaced Indiana on a map. Two groups managed to mix up Illinois and Indiana, which would be understandable if they were 12 and not grown ass women. Becca and JoJo went so far as to confuse Indiana with Pennsylvania. To be fair, both states look a lot alike if you’ve been hit in the head and lost the ability to recognize shapes. Unfortunately for Becca and JoJo, I don’t suspect that is the case.
The entire day was an mess.
The final challenge was gym class, which included both free throws and a short hurdles race. The free throws took so long that the show had to edit in shots of basketballs going through the hoop before eventually declaring Mandi and Amber the winners. Each then ran the hurdles race with the flailing elegance of a bowl of spaghetti come to life. Mandi managed to flail slightly faster than Amber and was rewarded with a tiara and convertible ride next to Ben.
After the action packed Bachelor High date, the women come together for more time with Ben. Lace was the highlight of this segment when she decided to cut two women’s time short as she tried desperately to kiss Ben. “The rest of these bitches can suck it,” she declared before interrupting Ben at every turn and then failing to get anything more than a hug from the bachelor. Having pissed off every woman on the date, Lace then described her conversation with Ben by saying, “there was eye contact galore… We were almost eye fucking.” Lace is my favorite thing on TV right now.
Back at the house, the solo date card arrives. Though the date card ended up going to Caila Olivia believed it would be for herself after receiving the first impression rose. Olivia was so excited at the proposition of receiving a date card she made this face.
This actually unnerves me a little.
No, Olivia is not preparing to catch an entire pineapple in her mouth. This is her excited face. Before seeing this, I didn’t know it was possible to have a human face that was 60% mouth. Part of me really wants her to receive the final proposal from Ben just to see if she can open her mouth completely around her own head and blink herself out of existence.
I have to stop. These are scaring me.
Unfortunately for Olivia and anyone with a fetish for large mouth bass, Caila had the pleasure of attending the solo date with Ben. The two went on a “ride along” with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube through the streets of LA. Ben was particularly smitten with Ice Cube, saying “He’s done everything from rapping to acting!” He’s right to be excited by Cube’s range. Other than Eminem, Andre 3000, Big Boi, Will Smith, Ludacris, Queen Latifah, Donald Glover, Ice T, Common, LL Cool J, Shaquille O’Neal, TI, Mos Def, Snoop Dogg, DMX, Mark Wahlberg, 50 Cent, and whatever Sean Combs is calling himself these days, I can’t think of a single person who has been both a rapper and actor.
The majority of the date was entertaining and ended with Caila receiving a rose while sitting in a hot tub in the middle of a pool supply store. It was a lot less romantic than she pretended it was.
After their awkward public soak, Ben and Caila went to dinner where they discussed their innermost wants and desires while staring at a plate full of food. The pair spent the entire dinner not actually eating anything, but instead looking at their respective plates and wishing the producers would just let them eat like normal humans.
JUST EAT YOUR FOOD, BEN!
Ben and Caila’s night ended with a private concert from Ben’s favorite artist, Amos Lee. The two slow danced and even shared their first kiss to Ben’s favorite song. It was easily one of the cutest things I have ever seen on The Bachelor, even if Ben does dance like a high school boy.
While Ben was finishing up his date with the personification of cuteness, the final group date card arrived at the house. It read, “Are we a perfect match?” and the twins didn’t stand up and yell, “Yes!” Missed opportunity ladies. Why even come on the show if you’re not going to make constant references to the one thing that sets you apart from the other contestants?
The final group date saw the twins, Olivia, Sam, Shushanna, and Amanda go to a “love doctor” to test their compatibility with Ben. The “doctor” performed a range of “tests” including retinal tracking, thermal imaging, and for some reason armpit/butt sniffing. If I had to guess, Ben specially requested to smell each of the women. Not only was this the only “test” that didn’t include information-gathering technology, Ben also asked multiple women, “Are you excited for me to smell you?” Stop it, Ben. There is no situation in which that is an ok thing to ask another person.
"Me? I'm just a small town guy who likes sniffin bitches."
The “results” of the “testing” showed that Olivia was the most compatible with Ben, while Sam was the least. Not only does Olivia gloat at this “fact,” the other women seem defeated by her perceived success. Do none of these women realize that there is no such thing as a “love doctor?” That man is no more a scientist than anyone else in the room. At best, he’s a local pervert in a lab coat.
Then again, Olivia did get a rose from the date. Maybe there’s something to love science after all…
Now this is a love doctor.
Once Ben had his fill of sniffed butts, the women joined him for a cocktail party/rose ceremony. Lace is once again the highlight of the party when she pulls Ben aside to drunkenly apologize for her weirdness earlier. Before he can accept her apology, Lace interrupts him to thank him for accepting the apology and begins describing a picture of herself that someone once took. If a picture truly is worth 1,000 words, Lace used all of them in talking to Ben.
Oh, she also forgot to kiss him again. At this point, Lace’s nightly routine goes something like this; drink wine, say something weird to Ben, drink wine, interrupt Ben to apologize for being weird, drink wine, cry because you were weird to Ben, drink wine, apologize to Ben for your weird apology, forget to kiss Ben, cry because you forgot to kiss Ben, drink wine, drink wine, drink wine, receive a rose.
Drink wine... Drink wine... Drink wine...
The rose ceremony sees Sam, Mandi, and Jennifer kicked out by Ben. Amber also would have gone home, had it not been for LB’s voluntary departure. If Amber were to go home next week, she will have spent a grand total of nine weeks on three separate Bachelor shows. Can someone tell me again why she keeps coming back?