Last night’s episode of The
Bachelor begins with a competitive group date. Ten lucky women go with Ben
to “Bachelor High” where “Principal Harrison” introduces them to a friendly
competition. The women are to pair off in teams of two where they will compete
in a variety of “class” themed events including science, geometry, gym, and
“lunch class.” The way they accepted
his explanation so easily, you’d think none of these people had ever
been to high school before.
You read that last part right, by the way. Chris Harrison
said the words “Lunch Class.” I’m not sure why those words came out of his
mouth nor why no one else found this weird enough to mention. My best guess is
that Chris Harrison is an alien still learning our language and customs. Why
else would he think every season of The
Bachelor is, “the most exciting yet,” constantly have that vacant
expression, or use roses as currency? He’s an alien, that’s why.
The entire date was an absolute debacle with each
competition looking more like the intro to a porn scene than a high school.
Science came first, where the women mixed chemicals inside a paper mâché volcano in an attempt to “make Ben’s
volcano explode.” Lace and Jubilee were eliminated after Lace forgot how to
read and mixed the wrong chemicals together. In her defense, science is really
hard when you’re hung over.
“Lunch Class” was next. The challenge itself consisted of
bobbing for apples and then passing them to a partner via their mouths. The
women had to search for the one red apple among the bunch because, as Ben put
it, “It’s red like my heart.” They’re red like everyone’s heart, Ben. That’s
how blood works.
In the end, Jackie and her partner were eliminated because,
as Lauren H put it, “Jackie’s not too good with her mouth.” The implication
here is that Jackie isn’t good at sucking dick because she can’t fit an entire
apple in her mouth. That either speaks to the size of Ben’s apple, or Lauren
H’s misunderstanding of oral sex.
Next was geography class where every contestant misplaced Indiana on a map. Two groups managed to
mix up Illinois and Indiana, which would be understandable if they were 12 and
not grown ass women. Becca and JoJo
went so far as to confuse Indiana with Pennsylvania. To be fair, both states
look a lot alike if you’ve been hit in the head and lost the ability to
recognize shapes. Unfortunately for Becca and JoJo, I don’t suspect that is the
case.
The entire day was an mess.
The final challenge was gym class, which included both free
throws and a short hurdles race. The free throws took so long that the show had
to edit in shots of basketballs going through the hoop before eventually
declaring Mandi and Amber the winners. Each then ran the hurdles race with the
flailing elegance of a bowl of spaghetti come to life. Mandi managed to flail
slightly faster than Amber and was rewarded with a tiara and convertible ride
next to Ben.
After the action packed Bachelor High date, the women come
together for more time with Ben. Lace was the highlight of this segment when
she decided to cut two women’s time short as she tried desperately to kiss Ben.
“The rest of these bitches can suck it,” she declared before interrupting Ben
at every turn and then failing to get anything more than a hug from the
bachelor. Having pissed off every woman on the date, Lace then described her
conversation with Ben by saying, “there was eye contact galore… We were almost
eye fucking.” Lace is my favorite thing on TV right now.
Back at the house, the solo date card arrives. Though the
date card ended up going to Caila Olivia believed it would be for herself after
receiving the first impression rose. Olivia was so excited at the proposition
of receiving a date card she made this face.
This actually unnerves me a little.
No, Olivia is not preparing to catch an entire pineapple in
her mouth. This is her excited face. Before seeing this, I didn’t know it was
possible to have a human face that was 60% mouth. Part of me really wants her
to receive the final proposal from Ben just to see if she can open her mouth
completely around her own head and blink herself out of existence.
I have to stop. These are scaring me.
Unfortunately for Olivia and anyone with a fetish for large
mouth bass, Caila had the pleasure of attending the solo date with Ben. The two
went on a “ride along” with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube through the streets of LA.
Ben was particularly smitten with Ice Cube, saying “He’s done everything from
rapping to acting!” He’s right to be excited by Cube’s range. Other than
Eminem, Andre 3000, Big Boi, Will Smith, Ludacris, Queen Latifah, Donald
Glover, Ice T, Common, LL Cool J, Shaquille O’Neal, TI, Mos Def, Snoop Dogg,
DMX, Mark Wahlberg, 50 Cent, and whatever Sean Combs is calling himself these
days, I can’t think of a single person who has been both a rapper and actor.
The majority of the date was entertaining and ended with
Caila receiving a rose while sitting in a hot tub in the middle of a pool
supply store. It was a lot less romantic than she pretended it was.
After their awkward public soak, Ben and Caila went to
dinner where they discussed their innermost wants and desires while staring at
a plate full of food. The pair spent the entire dinner not actually eating
anything, but instead looking at their respective plates and wishing the
producers would just let them eat like normal humans.
JUST EAT YOUR FOOD, BEN!
Ben and Caila’s night ended with a private concert from
Ben’s favorite artist, Amos Lee. The two slow danced and even shared their
first kiss to Ben’s favorite song. It was easily one of the cutest things I
have ever seen on The Bachelor, even
if Ben does dance like a high school boy.
While Ben was finishing up his date with the personification
of cuteness, the final group date card arrived at the house. It read, “Are we a
perfect match?” and the twins didn’t stand up and yell, “Yes!” Missed
opportunity ladies. Why even come on the show if you’re not going to make
constant references to the one thing that sets you apart from the other
contestants?
The final group date saw the twins, Olivia, Sam, Shushanna,
and Amanda go to a “love doctor” to test their compatibility with Ben. The
“doctor” performed a range of “tests” including retinal tracking, thermal
imaging, and for some reason armpit/butt sniffing. If I had to guess, Ben
specially requested to smell each of the women. Not only was this the only
“test” that didn’t include information-gathering technology, Ben also asked
multiple women, “Are you excited for me to smell you?” Stop it, Ben. There is
no situation in which that is an ok thing to ask another person.
"Me? I'm just a small town guy who likes sniffin bitches."
The “results” of the “testing” showed that Olivia was the
most compatible with Ben, while Sam was the least. Not only does Olivia gloat
at this “fact,” the other women seem defeated by her perceived success. Do none
of these women realize that there is no such thing as a “love doctor?” That man
is no more a scientist than anyone else in the room. At best, he’s a local
pervert in a lab coat.
Then again, Olivia did get a rose from the date. Maybe
there’s something to love science after all…
Now this is a love doctor.
Once Ben had his fill of sniffed butts, the women joined him
for a cocktail party/rose ceremony. Lace is once again the highlight of the
party when she pulls Ben aside to drunkenly apologize for her weirdness
earlier. Before he can accept her apology, Lace interrupts him to thank him for
accepting the apology and begins describing a picture of herself that someone
once took. If a picture truly is worth 1,000 words, Lace used all of them in
talking to Ben.
Oh, she also forgot to kiss him again. At this point, Lace’s
nightly routine goes something like this; drink wine, say something weird to
Ben, drink wine, interrupt Ben to apologize for being weird, drink wine, cry
because you were weird to Ben, drink wine, apologize to Ben for your weird
apology, forget to kiss Ben, cry because you forgot to kiss Ben, drink wine,
drink wine, drink wine, receive a rose.
Drink wine... Drink wine... Drink wine...
The rose ceremony sees Sam, Mandi, and Jennifer kicked out
by Ben. Amber also would have gone home, had it not been for LB’s voluntary
departure. If Amber were to go home next week, she will have spent a grand
total of nine weeks on three separate Bachelor
shows. Can someone tell me again why she keeps coming back?
XOXO,
Gossip Squirrel
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