Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Every year I think the same thing, “Ugh, Men Tell All again? I have to take notes on these idiots talking over each other for two hours? Why am I even alive? I wish the apocalypse would come and kill everyone so I don’t have to watch such a stupid, stupid show.” Every year I think this, and every year I am fucking wrong.

Men Tell All is the best thing ever. Where else can you see over twenty idiots fight for airtime only to soberly backpedal over drunken mistakes? Sure, most frat houses… but other than that? Nowhere, that’s where.

Much like a frat house, this show is crumbling from the inside.

Chris Harrison opens the show by introducing the upcoming cast of Bachelor in Paradise, which is absolutely stacked. Not only are previous Paradise all-stars Jared, Carly, and weepy Ashley I returning, a whole new set of human disasters will be joining them including Lace, Daniel, Evan, and “the Chad” himself. To say that I am excited for the new season would be an understatement.

Can we just make this a year round show?

Next, Chris Harrison introduces the eliminated men from this season, most of whom I don’t remember at all. There was one notable contestant left off the list, however. Chad is nowhere to be seen. As it turns out, he is being held in a trailer outside the studio under the watchful eye of a “security guard.” Chad loves this attention, of course, despite the fact that this is basically how we treat zoo animals.

Within seconds after the introductions, the first argument begins. When asked why he and Alex frequently butted heads on the show, Derek diplomatically replies that they are just different people with different values and sometimes those values cause conflict. Not satisfied with his socially acceptable answer, Nick B (who was dressed as Santa Claus for two episodes before being sent home and now expects us all to take him seriously) interrupts Derek and calls Marine veteran Alex a little punk. What the hell, Nick? This is America. Don’t you know how talking to veterans works? You thank them for their service, put them on a pedestal they didn’t ask to be on, and then ignore any need for mental health care that may arise. That’s how we do it in the good old US-of-A.

"If you could stop having night terrors for two seconds, I'd like to tell you thank you for your service."

Finally Wells, the lone voice of reason in a sea of insanity, steps in to calm everyone down. He suggests that Alex might be prone to confrontation because of his background in the Military and that maybe everyone should chill the fuck out before calling him a pussy-ass-bitch all the time. The men agree with Wells on this point, mostly because he was the only one who actually thought before he spoke. Considering the show, that is both high praise and incredibly depressing.

After the argument ends, Chris Harrison senses a disturbing lack of conflict and brings out Chad. Within seconds, Chad says that he was the only “real guy” on the show, and that then brags about dating both Grant and Robbie’s exes. I’m not sure what Chad’s definition of a “real guy” is, but it apparently includes trying to be Eskimo brothers with as many men as possible.

"Real men share dick space... am I right?"

After promoting his own sexual prowess/stalking skills, Chad begins making un-falsifiable claims about everyone besides him being there to further their own careers. Able to stand it no more, former Santa and current nobody Nick B pulls off his jacket and challenges Chad to a fight in front of God and Bachelor Nation. Obviously, Chad wants no part of this and says he can’t fight because, “We’re both in dress shoes dude. Do you want us to look stupid?” Let’s be honest, Chad. It’s not the dress shoes that would make you look stupid.

For some reason (scripted) Nick B accepts this logic and retreats back to his chair. With one foe vanquished, Chad turns his attention to unfortunate haver-of-face-pubes, Evan. Readers may remember that Chad previously ripped Evan’s shirt for committing the offense of bumping into him. While this may seem like an insane reason to justify attacking another person, Chris Harrison does not agree and forces everyone to watch slow motion footage of the shirt-attack. As bad as Evan’s physical defense from Chad was, his verbal defense is even worse. The “Erectile Dysfunction Specialist” shrivels into a flaccid mess when confronted by Chad’s stiff attack and makes a real boner of the situation.


Eventually Wells steps in to save the ever-pathetic Evan. He tells Chad that he is sad not only for the guys Chad stole the spotlight from, but for Chad himself. Wells goes on to say that if Chad would listen to reason and stop being a colossal douche (my words) he would certainly be forgiven by the viewing audience because America loves a redemption story. Chad scoffs at this and says, “sometimes you choose apples when you should have chose pickles.” I genuinely have no idea what Chad is talking about when he says this, but in his defense, three syllable words are hard to understand and sometimes yelling crazy shit makes you feel a lot better.

I could easily write another 1,200 words on Chad, his gorilla brain, and their time on Men Tell All, but that would require two hours and a psychology degree, neither of which I currently have. Instead, lets move on to Luke, who was kicked off last night for not saying, “I love you.” He tells Chris Harrison that he, “should have said those words,” and, “is still in love with JoJo.” The audience then audibly “aww’s” when Luke says he still wants the opportunity to find love, as if he wasn’t obviously being set up as the next Bachelor.

Ugh... get ready for months of vacant stares, America.

Chase followed Luke, but honestly he isn’t even worth talking about. He says he doesn’t regret his time on the show, but wishes JoJo hadn’t sent him home (all of which you could have guessed) and then tries his best to look sad for several minutes. Men Tell All was still awesome, but in spite of Chase.

With the men’s feelings aired, Chris Harrison brings out the woman of the hour, JoJo. Desperate to avoid making enemies, JoJo tells all of the men she still has feelings for them (which seems empirically impossible), but is very happy with her decision to eliminate them (which is definitely impossible). She goes on to tell both Luke and Chase that she loved them, she just loved Jordan and Robbie more. For some reason, this makes both men feel better and not like total pieces of shit.

The remaining guys offer words of redemption to JoJo with varying degrees of success. Alex apologizes for not being more open with her, both James Taylor and Nick B say it was just good to see her face again. Derek (insecurely) pleads for her to tell everyone that he was never insecure in their relationship, and that he’s a big boy who wears big boy pants. The segment ends with the mother of former contestant Vinny, rising up from the crowd to yell at JoJo for not keeping her son on the show. The entire studio audience laughed at this, though I don’t think Vinny’s mother was in on the joke.

As has become tradition with the Men Tell All episodes, Chris Harrison introduces the season’s blooper reel by saying, “We’ve got bloopers!” I don’t care what anyone says, it still sounds like Chris Harrison is shitting his pants.


Gossip Squirrel

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