A shortened episode deserves a shortened intro. Bachelor in Paradise is weird. Now let’s get into it.
Last night’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise began with happy new couple, Jared and Caila talking about what a happy and new couple they are. Since even the briefest moment of happiness makes Chris Harrison uncontrollably void his bowels, he sends in Ashley I to make sure his pants stay clean and no one is happy ever again. The plan works perfectly, by the way.
Chad, as the voice of the audience.
Ashley storms into Paradise and immediately pulls Jared aside to see if he is single and would consider being emotionally harassed by her for yet another season. Jared informs her that he is actually in a relationship with Caila, but that he cares for Ashley and hopes she finds a great guy. To Ashley’s credit, she was able to restrain herself and only teared up at the thought of Jared with another woman instead of her usual sobbing. For a moment, I thought Ashley had matured since we last saw her a year ago.
For that moment, I was wrong. Within second of Jared returning to Caila, Ashley begins bawling to anyone unlucky enough to step within 50 feet of her, including one very unlucky parrot. She eventually calms down enough to verbalize her thoughts and asks to talk to Caila privately. Caila agrees, but mentally plans an escape route in case Ashley tries to knock her unconscious and sell her to a cartel.
Just a wildly unflattering picture.
During their conversation, it comes out that before the show had begun, Ashley had asked Caila not to ever speak to Jared. Despite the fact that this is an insane thing to want, do, or think, Caila had agreed to Ashley’s demands before coming on the show. Caila also apologized profusely for breaking Ashley’s trust. Ashley, on the other hand, said “Caila ruined everything and she’s a backstabbing whore of a friend.” So if I had to guess, no. Ashley is not good at accepting apologies.
With no Jared, Ashley is forced to ask out the one single guy in Paradise: Daniel. He immediately accepts, though he admits he is less interested in Ashley than he is the concept of her virginity. Daniel repeatedly asks Ashley wildly invasive questions about why and how she has remained a virgin for so long before admitting that, “The fact that she’s a virgin is a huge turn on.” I assume Daniel finds virginity a turn on because the women have no point of reference to compare his terrible, terrible sex to.
Definitely not a virgin.
After Daniel’s virginity weirdness, the rest of the date was actually pretty normal. They talked about Ashley’s feelings coming into Paradise, and Daniel managed to both compliment and support her without creeping anyone out. He even goes so far as to call Ashley’s crying, “normal.” It was a surprisingly normal date from two decidedly not normal people. At the end of the date, several dozen actors in Mayan garb ran in and yelled, “We have to sacrifice a virgin!” before grabbing Ashley and carrying her off into the night. I would be more upset by this but Daniel seemed to be wholly disinterested and continued eating his dinner throughout and after the ruckus. If it’s not enough to pique Daniel’s interest, it’s certainly not enough to pique mine.
The next day Ashley I wakes up and is already crying again. This time she… You know what? No. I’m not doing this again. Too repetitive. NEXT!
Jen is the next contestant to arrive in Paradise and I honestly have no idea who she is. I know she was on Ben Higgins’ season and she didn’t win and… that’s it. In any case, Nick is immediately taken with her beauty and the fact that she is the only woman on the show who hasn’t rejected him. Jen is apparently interested in Nick’s desperation and asks to take him on a date, which he accepts. Remember the days when people used to voluntarily leave Paradise if they didn’t see a potential relationship with anyone? Those days are long gone. Now we are left with, “Are you single? Good, me too. Lets just pretend to like each other and get some free booze.”
"I'm only with you for the vodka..."
Their actual date was somehow less interesting than their actual meeting. The two sat on a boat and talked about how nice each other was before sitting on a beach and talking about how nice each other was. Good God, even typing that was boring. The sole moment of interest came when Nick and Jen were making out on a beach while Nick was repeatedly attacked by beach crabs. I am sure this was neither the first nor the most embarrassing time either one of these two has ever suffered a crab outbreak.
Back in Paradise, Evan is told by a “doctor” (you know because of the lab coat she is wearing on the fucking beach) that he needs to be admitted into the hospital because his ankle is swelling. Although this is an obviously bullshit diagnosis, Evan sees his opportunity to continue being weird and asks Carly to accompany him to the hospital. “You don’t have to come, but yeah why not?” Evan says, doing an absolutely terrible impression of a normal human being.
He sprained his ankle! Quick, get oxygen!
For some reason, Evan had to be transported to the hospital in an ambulance, complete with blaring sirens because how else could the producers make this even moderately compelling? The “doctor” even tries to hook Evan up to an IV on the ride, but only succeeds in making him bleed all over himself. Unfortunately for everyone watching, Evan unnecessarily bleeding has already become a staple of Bachelor in Paradise, so this wasn’t particularly interesting.
Once at the hospital, Carly’s opinion of Evan suddenly shifts. He begins acting more “normal” and “not like an idiot,” so much so that Carly admits to sort of liking Evan again. While disgusting to think about, we now know that a series of semi-severe injuries make Evan Bass into a semi-tolerable person. I would like to personally volunteer to continue giving Evan these injuries for the sake of both Carly and the viewing audience.
I will put this in the hospital every week if I have to.
Once Evan returns from his “definitely not faked” injury time at the hospital, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Ashley is now ramping up to a gale force of unchecked emotional output. She first yells at Nick for suggesting that she isn’t in love with Jared, but is instead simply infatuated. Nick also says Ashley will “Never be with Jared,” and both even agree that she can be obsessive at times. Ashley yells at Nick for all of these things, even though they are unquestionably true.
Ashley then targets Jared as her next victim and immediately begins blubbering about how she doesn’t want to be with anyone besides him. I couldn’t understand 90% of what she was saying, but at this point we’ve heard these two argue for almost a full year, so it couldn’t have been too innovative. She is obsessed with Jared and won’t stop letting him know it, while Jared is completely disinterested in her, but it too polite to completely cut her out. We’ve seen it all a million times before.
The show ends just as Jared walks away from Ashley, saying “I sincerely do not want to be here for any more time.” You and me both, Jared.