The Bachelor: You And I Are A Disgusting Slut

It only took 31 hours for any hope of a better year in 2017 to be completely extinguished. Don’t get me wrong, 2016 was terrible. But after watching two hours of Nick Viall on this season’s The Bachelor, 2017 is poised to be much worse. If 2016 burned down everything I love, 2017 just blew the ashes in my eyes.

To be clear, I’ve generally liked Nick in his prior appearances. His quick wit and clarity of mind were refreshing in an atmosphere which usually lacked either. I even cheered for Nick to become the Bachelor this season, thinking he would bring sanity to the show. Oh, how wrong I was.

So very, very wrong.

The show begins with Nick mumbling about how excited he is to be “The bashelur” over some gratuitously lingering ab shots. Speech impediments aside, ab porn is fairly common in any Bachelor episode. It keeps the ladies watching interested, and the men vaguely confused about their life choices. What isn’t common, however, are close ups of a grown man’s lower abs showering on my TV while I’m eating dinner.

After he dries off, Nick goes to visit previous bachelors: Ben Higgins, Sean Lowe, and Chris Soules. The three bachelors emeritus offer up the usual platitudes (“You get out of it what you put in.” “Just be yourself.” “Try not to stare at their boobs.”) before reminding Nick that no one really likes him and that he’s failed at this three times already. Then after a brief pause to let that sink in, they leave Nick alone to wallow in self-pity.

Speaking of people who left Nick...

A brief montage of this season’s women airs next, featuring a metaphorical binder full of women discussing their personal and professional accomplishments and how they are meaningless without a man and children in their lives. Two years ago, I would have written an entire paragraph about what a sexist nightmare this was. Now the best I can muster is an exasperated sigh and the understanding that the only person’s life ruined by this show is likely my own.

The women’s arrivals were next and they were largely uninteresting. Most contestants simply greet Nick, give him a quick hug, and move along their way. Some, like Taylor, tell Nick everyone thinks he is a piece of shit except for her before smiling as if this is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Others, like Josephine, trick Nick into eating an uncooked hot dog in the name of romance. Most memorable was Alexis, who arrives in a shark costume and possessed all the grace and poise of Left Shark. Alexis also proceeds to get into multiple arguments throughout the night regarding whether she is a shark or a dolphin. It’s nice to see that The Bachelor producers didn’t exclude women without a grasp on reality this year.

How does this not win a first impression rose?

Speaking of a lack of grasp on reality, a former one night stand of Nick’s showed up on the show and bragged about how he wouldn’t possibly remember her, only to be immediately remembered and publicly shamed for trying to mock him. At one point, Liz, the woman in question, tells Nick, “I didn’t want you to think I was here because you were the bachelor.” Despite this being wildly insulting, Nick gives Liz a rose, because he is an insane person, too.

Attorney and all around interesting person, Rachel, got the first impression rose. Later at the rose ceremony, a slew of women whose names I don’t remember were sent home. None of them managed to throw a punch or use any expletives, which was admirable, although disappointing.

Buckle up, everyone. This season is going to get weird.

XOXO,

Gossip Squirrel

Episode 11: Let's Put Them Through This

Look, if you are reading this to find out who Chris Soules proposed to on the finale of The Bachelor, you already know the answer. Even if you only had this show on in the background, you should still be able to guess who won. I applaud The Bachelor for even attempting to create suspense around the episode, but from start to finish the choice was obvious. In case you haven't seen the episode yet, I'll let you read until the end before spoiling anything. But really. Think about it. You know who won.

The finale opens in The Bachelor studios, where Chris Harrison recaps a recap. At this point, I have probably made somewhere between a dozen and a baker's dozen of jokes about the number of recaps on this show, so there really isn't much to say. However, in case you are just joining us, I made a joke about the predictability of shows like this followed by another reference to how many recaps The Bachelor relies on. There. In case anyone started reading part way through the blog, they'll know what they have missed so far.

Chris Harrison also says the studio has "standing room only" however the entire audience is sitting down. That is, quite literally, not what that term means. There is even an empty seat on stage.

Chris knows to leave an empty seat for Elijah.

This week sees the final two women, Whitney and Becca, in Iowa to meet Chris' family. Whitney has the first date and, as is to be expected, it goes splendidly. The Soules family, not unlike Bachelor viewers, was ecstatic to see Whitney. Her enthusiasm, sincerity, and charisma more than made up for the plaid shirt/dress, which I can only assume was an ill thought out attempt to appear both country and sophisticated. Instead, it looked like a six year old stole her father's shirt. Here's how bad that outfit was. I'm currently wearing thrift store pants with a thirty year old hoodie, and even I know that was bad. And if I'm wrong, what do I know? I'm wearing thrift store pants and an ancient hoodie.

Whitney tells both Chris' mom and sisters how much she loves him and how excited she is to have this opportunity. Both the sisters and mom absolutely love Whitney, even going so far as to endorse her before meeting Becca. I thought this was odd, because Whitney's answers to their questions were subpar at best. When asked if she was willing to forgo her career and move to Arlington, Whitney says "You can be a nurse anywhere." First off, no you can't. Specifically, you cannot be a nurse in Arlington, Iowa because there is no hospital, school, nursing home, or slutty costume store which would require a nurse. Second, you're a fertility nurse. Don't tell me that all nurses have the exact same interchangeable set of skills that would allow a fertility nurse to work in a hospital. Unless someone walks into the emergency room with a bad case of sterility, I doubt Whitney would be much help.

Much like Liam Neeson, I have a very particular set of skills.

Whitney leaves the farm confident that she will receive Chris' final rose. Chris, wanting feedback, has some relationship "man talk" with family in his workshop. Although I'm sure that farmers talking about competitive dating has never happened before tonight, there was one good point raised: Chris' brother-in-law pointed out that Chris may only be attracted to Becca because he can't have her. This seems like a good reflection of how a majority of modern dating works, with one party acting disinterested in order to create interest. I would love to make a joke about how this is a bullshit method of attraction, but it has kept Becca around this long so it clearly works in some capacity.

Speaking of Becca, she was the next to meet Chris' family. To someone who has never seen reality television before, this date must have looked completely insane. Becca kept repeating that she wasn't ready to accept a proposal or move in with a man she had known for a matter of weeks, and was villainized for it. Obviously, she was completely right to think this. However, within the alternate reality that The Bachelor creates there is no room for normalcy. Watching this date was like going to church; good points were made, but they were presented in such a boring fashion that it was hard to watch without falling asleep.

Also representative of The Bachelor demographics.

The closest thing we got to a highlight from Becca's date was her time speaking with Chris' mother. Mother Soules pointed out multiple ways in which Becca spoke about loving Chris, without actually admitting her feelings. In the end, Becca did not change her outlook on the relationship or her feelings towards Chris, but we did get to see just what a great mother Chris has. If I could have Mother Soules in my family, I would accept her in an instant.

As if the show wasn't boring enough, Becca's family date was followed by her final one on one date with Chris. Immediately the topic of conversation shifted to their struggling relationship, which was borderline unwatchable. Chris Soules, who carries the emotional gravitas of a juggalo, tries to put on his best "serious face" and discuss  his hypothetical future with Becca. Chris asked where she saw herself in five years, if she loved him, and whether she would consider moving to Iowa, each of which Becca answered with an emphatic "I don't know." Becca's aggressive lack of opinion made it genuinely hard to focus on this segment, so if I left anything out I apologize.

There was one parting comment Chris made that I did notice, however. As he left Becca's hotel, Chris told the camera "Her answers weren't what I wanted, but Becca said she wants to be with me. That's pretty cool." This really speaks to the desperation of The Bachelor production staff in trying to generate any scrap of suspense. Here we have a contestant openly admitting she is not interested in what the show is offering, and yet she is not only kept on the show, but is made a focal point of the finale. It is no wonder this episode was so boring.

I guess we can all pretend these are interesting facts?

The final one on one date of the season went to Whitney, who visited Chris on his farm. After taking a tour of both Chris' land and house, Whitney joined our bachelor in a combine to do some mid-November corn harvesting. Being that I don't know how familiar my readers are with the finer points of corn harvests, I'll just say this: there is absolutely no way Chris was functionally harvesting anything with snow on the ground. No crops are even moderately valuable after sustaining multiple frosts, much less if they are harvested in the middle of an Iowa winter. At this point, Chris and Whitney were essentially just pulling weeds. I really hope the Soules family was reimbursed by ABC for all that wasted corn.

Throughout her date, Whitney cannot stop talking about how everything she experiences "feels right." Whether it be meeting the Soules family, touring Chris' land, or even simply seeing the exterior of a house; Whitney meets every experience on this show with unparalleled enthusiasm. After watching this, I can't help but wonder how Whitney would react to seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time. She can't describe it as "totally awesome" because that term has already been used to describe Chris Soules' patio. Either this woman has an incredibly low threshold for wonder, or she's using those words a bit too liberally.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE INCREDIBLE THROW PILLOWS?!

After Whitney's date ends, we are treated to the usual montage of engagement ring selections, followed by Chris and the remaining contestants pensively staring out windows. I would make a snarky comment, but at this point, The Bachelor has become a parody of itself.

Finally, we arrive at the final rose ceremony. Becca is the first to exit a limo, and after a small monologue about their time together, Chris finally admits that he will not be offering Becca a rose. The two have a mature conversation and leave on good terms, which was incredibly boring to watch. Even as Becca left the farm, she did not shed a tear or show even the slightest hint of emotion. At this point, I am wondering how much of Becca is human and how much is cyborg. Whoever programmed that robot needs to recalibrate the emotional reaction settings.

"She's more machine than woman."

Becca is dismissed, and Whitney arrives, visibly nervous for what awaits her. After some brief hemming and hawing, Chris gets down on one knee and proposes. Of course, Whitney says yes and the pair embrace after having completed their journey. In what has to be the most pointless gesture on the show, Chris asks Whitney if she will accept his final rose after proposing to her. Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't those events out of order? Obviously she would accept the rose after accepting a marriage proposal. At least have Chris offer the rose first in order to create suspense about whether or not a proposal is going to happen. Come on ABC, I've only seen two seasons of this show. I can't be the first one to figure this out.

"What if we just stopped trying to make The Bachelor interesting because fuck it, they'll watch anyways."

From what I saw, the After The Final Rose segment immediately following the show was pretty pointless. Chris spoke to both Becca and Whitney, and everyone was happy with the decisions made. Chris Harrison got to make fun of Ashley S, and Jimmy Kimmel even stopped by to gift Chris Soules a cow BECAUSE HE IS A FARMER. 95% of this segment was completely worthless.

The only portion of this After The Final Rose worth watching was the reveal of next season's bachelorette. Chris Harrison tried to set this up as being a toss up between Britt and Kaitlyn, although when he asked for the audience's opinion, Kaitlyn received much more applause than her counterpart. Despite the audience clearly picking a favorite, Chris Harrison went on to announce that next season will have not one, but two bachelorettes. 

Before you even ask how this will work, what the format will be, or why ABC thought this was a good idea, I'll preemptively say that I have no idea. If I had to venture a guess, producers will use this format to select Britt as the eventual sole bachelorette after Kaitlyn is voted off, assuming that is a thing that can happen now. Even by The Bachelor standards, this is a pretty "shark jumping" move.

"Fuck it. Let the audience figure this shit out."

If there is one problem I have with the format of The Bachelor, and rest assured there is more than one, it is the lack of story telling mechanisms. The vast majority of contestants use personal circumstance as their "story" without giving the audience any reason to invest emotionally. I would never suggest that this show should create narratives on par with scripted shows, however it would be nice to see something in the way of plot week after week. Currently, the show can offer little more than passive-aggressive arguments and underwhelming surprises in attempt to hold the viewer's interest. To say that this show is bad story telling is not even wrong, it simply doesn't apply. From start to finish, the best we can hope for is that the woman we hate a little less than the rest is given the chance to begin a story we will never see.

That being said, I am absolutely looking forward to next season. Maybe then we'll find out what happened with the pregnancy test that was teased in the season opener.

Much love,

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

Episode 10: The Women Tell Too Much

For an episode featureding a surprising amount of content, The Bachelor's "Women Tell All" had relatively little worth commenting on. The vast majority of the show consisted of recaps and contestants recapping their recaps, so much so that I legitimately considered copying and pasting paragraphs from previous episode blog posts as a form of irrelevant protest. However, sinking to that level really doesn't benefit myself or the reader. You come here for a slightly deranged take on overblown reality TV, not to reread a list of complaints. Lets get into it.

It would be nice to go to bed before 3am though...

"With The Bachelor, nothing's real. Everything's a copy of a copy of a copy."

The show opens with Chris Harrison, as he is wont to do, re-introducing this season of The Bachelor as the "craziest season ever." Even though this is only the first full season of the show I have ever seen, I can tell that this isn't so much the truth as it is the way he introduces every show. If, in reality, this were the "craziest season ever" I would expect the show to be far more surreal that what we are actually seeing. After nineteen seasons, each being "crazier" than the last, you would think The Bachelor would start delving into Salvador Dali territory with spindly legged elephants, or tuba headed elephants, or elephants reflecting swans. Instead what we get is more of the same, namely, white people arguing.

Only just now did I realize how much Dali loved elephants.

Chris Harrison introduces a video compilation of himself and Chris Soules crashing The Bachelor viewing parties, to varying degrees of annoyance. Each of these parties featured screaming, fawning, and drinking. The screaming was annoying to be sure, but the drinking was downright impressive. These party guests were drinking like the show doesn't air on a Monday night and they don't have work in twelve hours. It would not surprise me in the least if every one of the women at those parties called in sick on Tuesday with "the flu."

After the video package, Chris Harrison reintroduces the women of The Bachelor by saying "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times this season on The Bachelor." Stop right there. Chris, if you are going to use one of the most iconic opening lines in literary history, at least understand that it doesn't mean "look at all the wacky shit going on!" A Tale of Two Cities is about social inequality and the brutality of life for the working poor in and around the French Revolution. It is not about catty arguments over men. I'm surely in the minority here, but idiots co-opting genius for their own gain really bums me out.

This is why the other countries are laughing at us!

As tradition dictates, Chris Harrison shows a recap of the season to this point, just in case anyone started watching The Bachelor for the first time tonight. Once this is over, we get our first "tell all" of the evening with Britt. She is primarily concerned with how she has been treated by Carly, though nearly all the women present seem to have a problem with Britt. Primarily, they raise the issue of her history of inauthenticity: saying one thing and doing another. Confused, Britt asks when she has ever done this, which is immediately met with a chorus examples including her supposed fear of heights before a hot air balloon date, willingness to move to Arlington, fear of singing, and a host of other incomprehensible babble.

Instead of responding to any of this criticism, Britt repeatedly states that she thought these women were her friends. While this isn't a response to criticism so much as it is a complaint, it does reveal a couple interesting points about Britt. First, assuming that she actually was inauthentic during her time on The Bachelor and the fifteen women on set aren't collectively lying, she can't be surprised at their reaction. When confronted with these accusations, Britt interrupted and deflected every claim to make herself continue to appear perfect, if only in her own mind. Of course, the women shouldn't talk behind Britt's back, but when she ignores every point they bring up, it's easy to see how these comments occur. Second, Britt seems to think that because the other women disagree with her, they are not her friends. Obviously this is nonsense, as disagreements are not only part of any healthy relationship; they're 90% of all friendships. 

Oh God. Am I a terrible friend?

The next interview sees the much anticipated Kelsey in the hot seat. Off the bat, she compares her departure from the show to her husband's death, saying that she is "grieving all over again." If anyone needed a final reason to dislike Kelsey, this has to be it. Comparing the loss of a husband to the pain of being dumped on a polyamorous reality TV show is so deeply misguided and lacking any sense of priorities, that it's no wonder she has been demonized in this way. Before the show started, I thought Kelsey would be a great contestant and a wonderful person. Clearly I was wrong about her, and would like to formally apologize for my miscalculation. I'm sorry.

As the women question Kelsey, it becomes apparent they share the same viewpoint. Juelia points out that she is also a widow and would never use her past for attention in the way Kelsey has. Other women bring up not only their own un-exploited personal losses, but numerous holes in Kelsey's explanations as well. Kelsey has no real answer for this and can only offer up a half-hearted apology by saying "I'm sorry if I hurt anyone with the things I said." To be clear, that's not an apology. That's commenting on other people being weak, not admitting any wrong doing. A real apology from Kelsey would sound like "Sorry that I've been a top-notch cunt to everyone on this show, and had to exploit a dead man on national TV in order to gain the fame I so badly crave. If you would all like to throw rotten eggs at me now I will allow it."

Surprisingly, this was not the grossest part of the interview. That award goes to Ashley I, who suggested that Kelsey's husband might be made up, and that she had invented this story for attention. Not only was her husband not made up, but you had better be damn sure of an accusation like that before making it. Best case scenario, you're an investigative journalist. Worst case, you're an insensitive asshole. 

Accusations are like plastic surgery: neither make you look good.

Ashley S had the next interview, which immediately reminded me how much I dislike her being on this show. To be clear, I don't dislike Ashley S in any way, but The Bachelor's treatment of her is downright cruel. For a show that previously spent an hour criticizing women for talking behind each other's backs, it seemed to have no problem mocking Ashley S for ten minutes. Chris Harrison recounts her disbelief that onions don't grow on trees, obsession with Mesa Verde, and belief that the show's accounting department was betting on the women. To the last point, why does a show like this have an accounting department on site? Is The Bachelor so perilously close to going over budget that it requires a team of accountants to be on site at all times? This could be sleep deprivation, but I really feel like I'm missing something here.

My hope is that Ashley S isn't quirky or mentally ill, but instead portraying an Andy Kaufman style character. Her mocking the show by acting crazy would be a beautiful homage, and make me feel a lot better about her time on the show. I don't expect this to actually be the case, but I can hope right? No one expects that Kaufman is still alive, but we secretly all hope that he is.

The Bachelor. Season 20

The final two women interviewed are Jade and Kaitlyn, neither of which have much to say. Both are confused as to why they were dumped and seek closure. Watching twenty minutes of their interviews reminded me how important a certain level of insanity is to this show, because real life relationships are boring to outsiders. I've watched a lot of these women in the weeks leading up to this, and I could not give less of a shit about how they feel post breakup. That is not to say that I wish them ill, or take delight in their pain, but they are literal strangers to me. Without a hook or reason to be interested, hearing these women talk about their breakups is like hearing about their dreams. No one actually cares unless they are directly involved.

Speaking of boring...

Finally, Chris Soules comes out to confront the women he jilted, to much fanfare from the crowd. Upon seeing him, Britt immediately begins crying, because emotionally she is the Incredibly Sad Hulk. In this case, her sadness manifested in the form of a fifteen second hug with Chris which crossed the line from cute to desperate at around the six second mark. The entirety of her conversation with Chris consisted of blaming Carly for their breakup, crying, and apologizing for the way their relationship ended. Nothing exceptionally interesting came of their conversation, however it was entertaining to watch Britt backtrack statements in an attempt to agree with whatever Chris said.

Chris then spoke with Kaitlyn, who simply wanted to know why she was sent home. After feeling like she was developing a better relationship with Chris and letting her guard down, Kaitlyn was shocked to be sent home. Chris admits that with three women left he had a tough decision, because he was in love with all three. Ultimately, his decision was akin to "throwing darts in the dark." To be clear, this man is presumably engaged right now, correct? I can't imagine his fiancee is thrilled to find out that their engagement is at least in part due to his erratic decision making. Random selection is the same way I pick my underwear, not my girlfriends.

"Whatever, it's either this or the other white ones."

Jade had the final conversation with Chris and ultimately wanted to know why she was let go. Understandably, Jade worries that her past in nude modeling is to blame. Chris assures her this is not the case and Jade leaves happy. If I'm being honest, this part was pretty boring. If you haven't seen this segment yet, don't worry about it. You can probably imagine what that conversation looked like and get the same experience in less time.

Unfortunately, this episode didn't make anyone look better. Kelsey and Britt still seem too detached from reality to understand the problems others have with them, Carly was portrayed as a snarky bitch, and Ashley I accused someone of faking their husband's death. Even Chris Soules continued to stammer incomprehensibly, making it nearly impossible to understand what he was talking about. In a way, I wish I hadn't watched tonight's episode because it made every contestant look like a bad person. Normally I enjoy flawed characters who struggle with their own shortcomings, but in this case all we saw was bad people acting as such. I'm really hoping that the finale shows at least some redemption of Becca and Whitney or this whole season will start to feel like a loss.

At least we have Chris Harrison's new book, The Perfect Letter to look forward to. It will definitely be the worst book I'll ever read cover to cover.

This sounds like a style manual. 

Much love,

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

Episode 9: Flogging Bali

If there is one thing I have learned from watching The Bachelor, something more than I would ever expect to learn from a show like this, it is that the "final three" episode is almost always skippable. Tonight's episode was so long and devoid of any real content that even as I write this, it already feels like Tuesday. In total, I'd estimate that we saw maybe 45 minutes of content stretched over two hours. Briefly, I considered taking out my boredom induced rage by making this blog post as pointless as the episode, but I've really grown to like you, the reader, and wouldn't want to subject you to undue stress. There, I said it. I like you.

ASL for both "I like you" and "Van Halen is starting!"

This episode of The Bachelor sees the remaining three women travel to Bali. As is tradition, we see Chris Soules posing in thought around a variety of scenic locations, presumably deep in thought about the remaining women vying for his heart. After seeing Chris throughout this season, I'm more inclined to believe he was trying to remember his own name as opposed to thinking about anything important. Either that, or he's wondering why there are so many minorities in Bali.

Chris' first date is with Kaitlyn, who might be my favorite contestant from this season. The two enter an ancient Hindu temple which strictly forbids displays of affection, not unlike a high school. Apparently the Hindus do not have strong feelings about invasive television crews exploiting their religion to generate ad revenue however, because that was a vast majority of this episode. Then again, it would have been surprising if the Hindu religion had predicted the advent of television. It would probably have a lot more followers if it had.

"Our temples and holy symbols will probably never be bastardized right?"

After their brief time in the temple, Kaitlyn and Chris abandon any notion of spirituality to wander through the streets of Denpasar drinking beer and talking to locals. Personally, this seems like a much more entertaining date than feigning spirituality, but to each their own. Far and away, the date highlight was watching Chris and Kaitlyn feed monkeys and watching Chris get peed on by said monkeys. By the end of this episode, I felt like peeing on him too.

During their dinner, Chris and Kaitlyn discussed relationships and how difficult it is for each of them to open up. Kaitlyn reveals that her guard is often up because of a failed past relationship. Closing herself off from potential heartbreak is a defense mechanism that helps to prevent future pain, however it is something she is working on. Being the kind person that Chris is, he immediately offers her a fantasy suite card. To break that down for the casual reader who is not familiar with the terminology, Kaitlyn told Chris some of her most personal issues and Chris responded by asking if she wanted to fuck. I completely understand why this man was single for so long.

Kaitlyn, of course, accepts Chris' invitation and the two enter their suite. The only point of interest here was the couple's tub in their room that was filled with rose petals. When I say filled with rose petals, I mean filled with rose petals. For all we know there was no water in that tub, only rose petals. Just a tip for any would be romantics out there, if you need to clear your tub of rose petals with a pool skimmer before getting in, you've overdone it.

In case you wanted to need a shower after your bath.

Whitney had the next date and went on a romantic "boat picnic" with Chris. The highlight of this date was not the couple, but the boat captain who immediately ran the boat into a dock upon departure. Don't worry though, he gave the camera a thumbs up after the mishap which I assume is the nautical hand signal for, "Don't worry everyone. I definitely know what I'm doing." Later on in the date, Chris and Whitney were making out when the camera panned up to the captain who again gave a thumbs up. If I had to guess, this was a nautical hand signal for something very different.

During their time together, Chris and Whitney discuss her sister's unwillingness to provide a blessing for the relationship. Whitney, in particular, is upset by this, in large part because she feels as though her sister isn't realizing how important this is to her. While I understand what she is saying, blind support isn't what being a good older sibling is about. This is especially true when your younger sibling has displayed poor decision making in the past like getting a stupid tattoo or wanting to marry a guy she's known for three months. There are some things worth being skeptical about.

Chris and Whitney's date ends with Whitney reiterating that she would gladly give up her career to be a mother in rural Iowa. While I would never say that giving up your career to be a mother is an inherently bad decision, as some of the best people I know are mothers, I just wish that The Bachelor had another point of view on this. Every woman on this show is willing to drop off the face of the earth in order to be a mother, to the point where it seems like that is the only option for women. It would be great to see just one woman on this show say "Yes, I want nothing more than to be a mother, but I also have a great career and am not defined by the people that crawl out of me." I know that's asking for a lot, especially from a show that devoted fifteen minutes to the natural hilarity that is monkeys, but with a little focus I think they could do it.

Even this monkey still has a job in Human Monkey Resources.

The final (and most boring) date of the evening belonged to Becca. She and Chris walked through the countryside, and briefly spoke to a priest at the local temple. Much like the boat captain in Whitney's date, the priest was the best part of Becca's date. Becca asked the priest if he thought they were "meant to be together" to which he responded "You are a good couple." I would assume he said this either because he literally just met them and would have no way of knowing such a thing, or because like the audience, he has zero faith in Becca. Chris also asked the priest if he had any advice for their date, to which the priest responded "make love." Even the priest is tired of hearing about Becca's virginity.

At dinner, Chris expressed his concern about Becca never having been in love, and wondered if she ever would be. I'm not a fan of Becca, but that is some bullshit logic. I've never died before, but that doesn't mean it isn't going to happen. To say that someone is incapable of a thing they've never done is only true until they do that thing. Watching Chris and Becca on this date was like watching two idiots pretend to be interesting. They tend to ramble on and on without ever making a significant point.

Two. Idiots.

Finally, we get to the crux of Becca's date when she is offered a night in the fantasy suite. After accepting and entering the suite, Becca finally decides to inform Chris of her sexual inexperience. Chris is understandably surprised by this considering how long she waited to tell him, but handles it well. With that, the pair goes to sleep for the night. If nothing else, Becca proved tonight that even her dramatic moments are incredibly boring.

The next morning we see Chris perturbed about his night with Becca. Apparently, the morning after their time in the fantasy suite yielded some disconcerting conversation. Chris reveals that Becca is the only woman that still has reservations about joining him in Iowa, will not say that she loves him, and does not seem enthusiastic about the process. Chris Soules brings these concerns to the often irksome Chris Harrison, who seems as confused as myself as to why Chris Soules hasn't sent Becca home already. She brings nothing beyond her previously secretive virginity to the table, yet Chris keeps her around week after week. Any reason he has for keeping Becca around is lost on me.

After much ado about nothing, we cut to the rose ceremony at another sacred temple. Before it can begin, Chris pulls Becca aside to discuss their previous conversation. Seemingly aware that she is on the verge of leaving, Becca immediately begins apologizing and tells Chris that she is falling in love with him. The entire conversation seems predicated on the notion that Chris is about to send her home, but after several minutes of stammering and half baked confessions of love, Chris reenters the temple with Becca. 

A gif of Chris picking Becca over Kaitlyn.

Once Chris brought Becca back the writing seemed to be on the wall for Kaitlyn. Whitney was a lock going into the ceremony and Chris wouldn't have brought Becca back only to eliminate her, which left Kaitlyn as the odd woman out. Normally, I have a sick sense of schadenfreude when seeing women get kicked off this show, but not with Kaitlyn. Perhaps it is because of her similarities to myself, or the fact that Chris is clearly missing a great opportunity by letting her go, but Kaitlyn's departure is the first of the season that has left me sincerely disappointed. Here's hoping she will be the next bachelorette.

Kaitlyn was also the only departing contestant I have ever seen actually use her seatbelt when leaving. Ralph Nader would be proud.

Automotive safety is important.

I think the clear question surrounding this episode is why Chris choose to keep Becca and ditch Kaitlyn. From what we have seen, Kaitlyn is cute, witty, and fun, while Becca is a virgin. I do not mean that to be disparaging, but we really know nothing about Becca outside of the fact that she is a virgin. There has been no development of her character or significant interest towards her person as a whole. If I had to venture a guess, Chris is keeping her around because she is as boring as he is. They are two people defined by singular respective traits (farmer and virgin) without much else going on. As mind numbing as it is to watch, Becca may actually be the best choice for Chris due entirely to her dull demeanor. I don't like it any more than you do, but boredom attracts boredom and it wouldn't surprise me in the least to see Chris pick Becca in two weeks.

Much love,

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

Episode 8: Soldiers Are Marching

One would think with five hours of programming over two days, producers of The Bachelor could maintain a consistent show structure. However, for the third week in a row, the show opens without any real direction in the middle of Chris and Becca's date. Obviously I don't know how difficult it must be to produce a show on this (or any) scale, but I have to think with millions of dollars being poured into production that it isn't impossible to at least keep a basic schedule. This really isn't a major issue for the show, but it is annoying to feel like the show doesn't have any real structure to it.

As I said, tonight's episode begins with Chris and Becca's one on one date. The two go on a brief walk and then spend some time together at Chris' loft. During the date, Becca revealed that she has never been in love. I was happy to see that neither Chris nor Becca seemed to make too big a deal out of this, as it doesn't really seem to have a bearing on much of anything. Either that, or I'm just sleep deprived and too apathetic to care. It really could go either way at this point.

I was also happy to hear Becca say that "If you (Chris) proposed today, it's not realistic for me to say yes." That is just the kind of pragmatic and sensible thinking that I did not expect to find on The Bachelor. To actually say out loud that it isunreasonable to want to marry someone after knowing them for only two months is depressingly refreshing, considering the near instantaneous love that most contestants seem to feel upon arrival.

Pictured: A composite sketch of The Bachelor Season 19 contestants.

Back at the house, Britt announces to the remaining women that she has already packed her bags and plans to leave before the rose ceremony the next day. As was discussed in the previous episode, Britt feels that it is inappropriate for a potential husband to be favoring other women over her. Technically, she's right and were this to happen in any other context I would agree with her. However, this is The Bachelor and competing against other women is the literal reason Britt is here. 

Britt goes on to say that she is probably leaving tomorrow before the rose ceremony and there's nothing Chris could say to get her to stay. In fact there isn't one thing Britt could think of that would make her stay, and that's why she's 100% leaving. Britt is 99% sure that tomorrow she will be leaving, unless Chris can come up with some reason for her to stay.

She goes on like this for some time.

The story of Britt.

Unfortunately for Britt, Chris has decided to cancel the rose ceremony. Forced into a figurative corner, Britt interrupts Chris as the rose ceremony begins and asks for some time to talk. As the two sit down, Britt begins by apologizing for her outburst and then rambles on with a string of words that resemble a further apology, but really says nothing. Chris, somewhat surprisingly, doesn't buy her apology and further chastises her for being disrespectful to both himself and the other women. Of course, Chris cannot say more than five words without being interrupted by Britt, who seems more concerned with blindly agreeing as opposed to actually listening. Personally, I was glad to see Chris ask her to go, and hope we will not be seeing more of her as the next bachelorette.

Carly, per usual, had the best line in regards to Britt's departure. "The prettiest girl now knows what it's like to be a normal person. How does it feel?" This quote played over video of Britt in her dress sitting on the grass brought me so much joy. I'm definitely not a good person because of it, but I'll take that hit because this was too good not to enjoy. Carly is hands down the MVP of this show.

You're the real MVP, Carly.

Of course, no sooner are we reminded of why we love Carly, than she is sent home. This was a bummer both because I obviously loved Carly on the show, but also because ABC really botched the rose ceremony. At this point there were five women left on the show, and only four could move forward. Kaitlyn already had a rose, and we had already seen footage of Becca and Jade's hometown dates in one of the bakers dozen of teaser trailers. So at this point it's obviously a choice between Whitney and Carly. Who does Chris call out to receive the first rose? Whitney. Good work, production team. Now I have no reason to watch the rest of this ceremony. Seriously, good work. It had only been 20 minutes and I already needed a mental break.

I already miss Carly.

The first hometown date takes Chris Soules to Becca's hometown of Shreveport. Because it's Louisiana, the pair had to go canoeing in a bayou. At least I think it's a bayou? My limited understanding of southern ecosystems and lack of interest in learning about them means that this will always be a bayou in my head. Come to think of it, I'm assuming pretty much every body of water within the Mississippi Delta is probably a bayou. Hell for all I know, the Gulf of Mexico is a bayou. I'm losing the thread here. Lets get back on track.

Becca and Chris go canoeing on an unspecified body of water, and then travel inland to meet Becca's parents. This is the first time Becca has ever brought a man to meet her parents, which was understandably scary for both her and Chris. To compound the issue, Chris hears from Becca's sister that Becca has not normally been very intimate with past boyfriends. She traditionally does not like displays of affection and can be cold to most men. This concerns Chris, even though moments before he had his hand on her knee and earlier in the day the two had been holding hands and kissing. How quickly is your opinion swayed Chris? Mere hours ago you had firsthand experience to the contrary, and you have already forgotten it? That's what babies do. I'm not being hyperbolic here either. Babies literally lack object permanence and can only react to what is immediately around them. Chris might be a giant baby.

After meeting her parents, the couple rides a ferris wheel and makes out. Again, this hopefully disproved the "Becca is never intimate" claim. Becca really enjoyed the ride, claiming it was like something out of a movie.

Hopefully not this movie.

Whitney has the second hometown date and greets Chris in spectacular fashion by asking "What do you say we go make a baby?" Of course, Whitney was alluding to her job as a fertility nurse, but this seemed temporarily lost on Chris who reverted to his trademark confused grin. This continued for most of their date, as Whitney also jokingly tried to get Chris to provide a semen sample in her clinic. How great would it have been for Chris to agree, only to open a Playboy and see Jade's picture? That would have been a great moment in reality television.

Throughout the tour of her clinic, Whitney really impressed me with how adept she is at her job. Why did we have to wait so long to see how smart she is? It took her dragging Chris into a medical lab where she works for us to get even a glimpse of how smart Whitney is. I know scientific aptitude isn't a pretty face, but come on ABC. What would be so bad about showing a female contestant doing something outside of crying or wearing a dress?

Sometimes they do both!

Chris then meets Whitney's family, who is understandably concerned for her in this process. Because she has no real parents to speak of, Whitney asks her sister to provide a blessing for the relationship. Her sister refuses to do so because Chris is still seeing other women. I have no doubt that a majority of people will see Whitney's sister as a wet blanket, but I loved her. You're damn right not to give a blessing to someone who is seeing other people - reality TV or not. I agree with Whitney's sister wholeheartedly on this, and that is the reason people like her and I will never be allowed on reality TV.

Whitney ends the date by telling Chris that she is falling in love with him and the two share a bottle of fancy wine. This was cute, though I honestly have no idea how someone can tell the difference between wine served from a box or a bottle. It's all the same thing, right?

Excuse me Sir, was 2015 a good vintage for Franzia?

The next hometown date was with Kaitlyn in Phoenix. From the start, Kaitlyn has been one of my favorites in large part because she deflects any uncomfortable topic with humor and inappropriate behavior. In case you hadn't picked up on it yet, that is a basic tenant by which I live my own life. If you haven't tried it, you should. You'll never have to have a real conversation ever again.

Kaitlyn meets Chris in an alley, proceeds to crack a few jokes, and then takes him into a recording studio where they write and record a rap song. As we have seen in past episodes, Kaitlyn is not a terrible rapper. Chris on the other hand, excels at what I will refer to as "dad-rap." He has most of the words down and can say them over a beat, but there isn't any distinct sense of rhythm or understanding of what's going on. If The Bachelor producers have any sense of decency, they will make that track available on the website. I bet it's amazing.

The closest Chris will ever be to Eminem

After dropping their "sick beats," (please don't sue me Taylor Swift) Chris and Kaitlyn make their way to dinner with her parents. Unlike the previous two dates, Kaitlyn's parents seem very supportive of her relationship with Chris. Kaitlyn even goes so far as to say that she "hearts" him to her mother. I assume that Kaitlyn "hearts" him because feelings are hard. She's right about that, feelings are hard. Then again, it's also hard to maintain a relationship based on "hearting" someone. If I had to guess, this could be her eventual downfall in the competition. 

Once dinner is complete, Kaitlyn shows Chris a giant billboard showing the words "Kaitlyn ❤ Chris." Again, it's a lot easier to say "heart" than "love" and the show was probably on a budget. Have you priced billboards lately? They're expensive and if you are paying by the letter, it's a lot cheaper to have a picture of a heart than the full word. Shows like this are expensive and you have to cut costs wherever you can!

Look at billboard, Chris!

The final hometown date of the evening saw Chris in Nebraska with Jade. It was rather refreshing to see her family looking like normal people in a normal house, as opposed to the other families who seemed to live in large, fancy homes. There is nothing wrong with the wealthier families, but seeing one after another makes you wonder if there is a minimum annual parental income required to be on this show. Personally, I thought the change of pace to focus on a middle class family was nice.

Jade's family continually hints at her "wild mustang" past and warns Chris that he may not know what he is in for. Chris, of course, does not see this in Jade and says she "is a hot mustang, but not necessarily wild." Is "hot mustang" a term I am not familiar with? It sounds like Chris made that up on the spot. What is a "hot mustang" anyways? I know Chris is a farmer, but he can't be so lonely he has begun to sexualize animals. If he has, this could have been a very different show...

Eventually, Jade gets some alone time with Chris to tell him about her past as a nude model for Playboy. Obviously this was shocking to Chris, but he seemed to handle it fairly well, at least up until Jade offered to show him the photos. This move seemed completely unnecessary to me. I understand that Jade could have been trying to show Chris that she wasn't doing anything hardcore or overtly pornographic, but showing him the pictures could have waited a day or two. Looking at the pictures together seemed excessively awkward. Chris handled it in stride though, and reassured Jade that her past isn't a deal breaker for him, because he knows her for who she is now. Say what you want about Chris being a simple farmer, but sometimes he gets things exactly right.

You've won me over you handsome devil.

The final rose ceremony sees Jade leave. As Chris walks her out, he explains that his decision had nothing to do with her pictures. Chris felt that their relationship wasn't progressing as quickly as the other remaining women, and honestly I believe him. Forgetting Jade's past for a moment, it really does seem like she was lagging behind the three other women. Jade has always been somewhat reserved on the show, which makes dating difficult on a show like this. There's no way to know for sure, but I really don't think the Playboy pictures factored into his decision at all.

During their goodbye, Chris said something I absolutely love. "I don't know if this is the right decision, but it's the best one I can make." He's right too. Obsessing over the "right" decision leaves you with the impossible task of seeing the future, whereas making the best decision only requires you to consider what you already know. It's definitely something I could, and will, use more of in my daily life going forward.

Man, who would have thought I'd be taking advice from this guy?

Much Love,

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel