Episode 7: Going Deep

A pair of apologies before we begin. First, I'm sorry for the lateness of this post. A last minute change in my work plans required me to be awake at 5:30 this morning, and the prospect trudging through today on four hours of sleep was too much to handle. Second, inclement weather in my area resulted in multiple breaks in programming for tornado warnings from the local ABC affiliate. Because of this, I missed several climaxes of the show, including a literal climax between Kaitlyn and Nick. I filled in the gaps as best I could, but I apologize if I missed anything.

The episode opens in San Antonio with Ian confronting Kaitlyn about his lack of interest in both her (as a woman) and his fellow contestants (as human beings.) Yes, we saw this last week, and yes, there was no reason to split this over two episodes. We all know that, and yet, here we are. Long story short, Ian talks about how much "deeper" and more intellectual he is than anyone else on The Bachelorette. He calls Kaitlyn shallow and accuses her of wanting nothing more than to make out with a bunch of guys. Then he leaves, never hesitating to plug his his time at Princeton and desire to be the next Bachelor. Quick tip for anyone trying to become a reality TV protagonist: try to avoid calling the only woman on the show a slut and then talking about how smart you are. Best case scenario, you'll get a look like this...

This is overacting even by The Bachelorette standards.

After Ian's departure, Kaitlyn sits alone, obviously upset by his accusations. The only guy who goes to check on her is Nick, who is still supposedly a "bad guy." That's right, he's a bad guy who consoles women who have just been verbally slandered. Can someone explain again how Nick is evil? So far, the most evil thing he has done is wear excessively tight pants. 

Nick's conversation with Kaitlyn seemed to serve as foreshadowing for the rest of the episode. The two made out for what felt like an eternity, while Nick's voice over included phrases like "I want to know her inside and out" and "I want her to open up to me." Given the events of this episode, it's a real Checkov's gun scenario.

What about my gun?

Both Joshua and Justin were sent home in the rose ceremony, I assume because Kaitlyn couldn't stand looking at their terrible choices in hairstyles any longer. Joshua inexplicably chose to keep the accidental "half-mohawk" from last week, while Justin continued a long trend of ever-changing, yet always appalling, hair based decisions. We have seen Justin's hair in a side part, middle part, and even slicked back, all of which made me think he probably has no friends or family. Surely someone would have told him how stupid he looks, right?

(For more on my feelings about Justin's hair, see Kaitlyn's expression at the top of the blog.)

Post-roses, the group finds out they will be traveling to Dublin, Ireland. As a fan of Irish things (i.e. beer, whiskey, and gay marriage) I was excited to hear this. Jared was excited too, saying "Dublin has everything from pubs to cathedrals." While that is true of Dublin, it is also true of almost every major city on earth. If all Jared needs for a good time is Jesus and wine, he should check out a Catholic Mass. There's all the Jesus you can handle and free wine!

"Better turn this water into wine, Jared is coming over later."

Much to the chagrin of the others, Nick gets the first one on one date in Dublin. He and Kaitlyn walk the streets alternating between disgusting viewers with their constant groping and disgusting the Irish population with terrible step dancing. How the Irish citizens managed to refrain from going full "Easter Rising" on these two is beyond me. I suppose it was a small grace to see Kaitlyn so terrified of Irish pigeons, after thoroughly mocking their culture.

Hey! Irish Pigeons! New band name!

(For more on my feelings about Kaitlyn and Nick's interactions with the Irish, see Kaitlyn's expression at the top of the blog.)

Kaitlyn and Nick eventually meet for dinner in an old church, where even the presence of Catholic Jesus (widely considered to be the most disapproving Jesus) cannot belay their lust. The two grope each other and whisper about their "struggle to hold back." Their struggle was short lived, as Kaitlyn eventually invited Nick back to her room.

Why? Why must I be omnipresent and see these things?

The two make out in her room, in front of what I have to think is the unluckiest cameraman in the world, before retiring to her bedroom and locking the door. It was at this point, shortly after the first sounds of sex, that my cable cut to a weather update. Having not actually seen what happened, I'm forced to guess how the show depicted their evening. Piecing together clues from the night, I can only assume that Chris Harrison immediately kicked in the bedroom door, yelling "I've waited long enough! Lets make this a three way!" I also assume that ABC showed said events in graphic detail. There was no evidence in what I saw to suggest that this didn't happen.

After this (assumed) disgusting threesome, the show cuts to the morning after. Sharp eyed viewers will have noticed the footage of both birds and bees, which I was actually impressed with. Well done, ABC. Well done. Kaitlyn talks about how guilty she feels for having fucked one of her numerous boyfriends and hopes Nick will keep it a secret. He does, at least for the time being, keep Kaitlyn's secret. 

Which is impressive, given his history.

Immediately following this debacle was the group date. As host, and department store mannequin come to life, Chris Harrison put it, the group date would be an Irish wake for the very much alive Kaitlyn. The guys eulogize her in turn, ranging from rhythymless limericks to atonal parodies of "Danny Boy." With the exception of Ben Z's emotional speech in the wake of his mother's own death, these were pretty uninteresting. After some lame jokes and digs at Nick, Jared was awarded the rose.

(For more on my feelings about the eulogies, see Kaitlyn's expression at the top of the blog.)

As a reward for his functionally acceptable eulogy, Kaitlyn took Jared to yet another church to watch her favorite band play a private concert. The Cranberries. That's right, Kaitlyn Bristowe's favorite band is The Cranberries. Wait... What?

No one's favorite band is The Cranberries. I mean that literally. Dolores O'Riordan's favorite band isn't even The Cranberries, and you don't get that joke because you didn't know that Dolores O'Riordan is the lead singer of The Cranberries because no one's favorite band is The Cranberries.

A real Zombie of a band.

Not everyone is happy about Jared receiving a rose, however. Shawn pulls a producer aside to complain about the lack of attention he is receiving from Kaitlyn. It is unacceptable to his egocentric brain for anyone else to succeed but him. The show ends with Shawn entering Kaitlyn's room, saying "I can't do this anymore."

This ending would be a cliffhanger if you like Shawn, however, I do not. Outside of looking like a Semitic Ryan Gossling (you know what I mean,) Shawn brings absolutely nothing of interest to the table. If I wanted to watch a good looking, soft spoken, egomaniac talk about love, I'd go watch the actual Ryan Gossling in the first hour of The Notebook. At least that movie isn't constantly interrupted by severe weather updates.

I'll see you next time,

XOXO
Gossip Squirrel

Episode 6: Everyone Hates Nick

In keeping with the new tradition of ignoring any potential consistency or structure, this week's episode of The Bachelorette opens with Nick meeting the rest of the guys for the first time. As he puts it "I'm not here to start drama," which he may believe, but is almost certainly the literal reason he was brought onto the show. Nick is grilled about his intentions by the guys in a Dragnet style interrogation. This somewhat hilariously culminated in Josh asking if Nick thought that Kaitlyn was a "cool chick or an amazing woman." Apparently, to Josh, these two are mutually exclusive because he pursued this line of questioning as if Nick had revealed he knew where a body was buried.

Unable to roust Nick from his newfound role, the show moves to Citi Field for the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Citi Field is the home of the New York Mets, which begs the question "Why Citi Field?" Why not Yankee Stadium, the Barclays Center, or literally anywhere else in the city? New Yorkers don't even care about the Mets. They're like Hope Solo or Juan Pablo Galavis; you can't think about either without being reminded of a lot of shit.

She's the Ray Rice of soccer.

In fact, the contestants cared so little about being at Citi Field that only JJ bothered to venture outside of their box suite. He and Kaitlyn ran the bases, eventually stepping on home, which is something most Mets players don't even get to do. What's more impressive, this cheesy stunt only resulted in one eye rollingly bad pun. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm starting to like JJ again. He's the Prince Hal of this season to be sure.

Throughout the night, the guys talk about how much they hate Nick.

The rose ceremony takes place on the field in what must have been sub freezing temperatures. Kaitlyn was the only person allowed to have a coat, leaving the rest of the guys visibly shivering while trying to pretend this wasn't the most obnoxious thing the show's producers had asked them to do. After much deliberating and unnecessary frostbite, Corey, Jonathan, and Ryan B were all sent home. Well... they weren't so much sent home as they walked into centerfield, never to be seen again.

Sound familiar?

The Bachelorette, like the NAACP, lost another black person this week. 

Before we continue on with the show, I saw two commercials for the revival of Battlebots and could not be more excited. There's nothing more to add on that topic. I just wanted you to know.

Back to The Bachelorette, which moves to San Antonio for the remainder of the week. Ben H gets the first solo date. He and Kaitlyn enter a two step dance competition, which was cute, but largely uninteresting. The pair two stepped (which I am convinced is the dance equivalent of finger painting) for a short time before being eliminated. While both Kaitlyn and Ben H had fun on the date, no one had more fun than the whiskey soaked grandmother who danced and prattled on about the qualities of a good two stepper. Honestly, I couldn't focus on anything beyond how adorable she was.

Throughout the date, the guys talk about how much they hate Nick.

Kaitlyn and Ben H's date ends with dinner and forced conversation. Kaitlyn practically forces Ben H to talk about his previous relationship, which turns out to be as boring as you would expect. Hearing about other people's relationships is almost impressively boring. Kaitlyn is somehow not lulled to sleep, however, and gives Ben H a rose. Before leaving, she says "He's exactly who I want to be with in this moment." Yeah. Exactly, Kaitlyn. That's the problem with this show. Nothing extends beyond "this moment." You people are like goldfish.

That's not what I meant. Pay attention!

Up next was the group date, which was all around terrible. Each of the guys was dressed up like The Three Amigos and forced to write/perform a Mariachi song about their time on The Bachelorette. I say "forced," because no one looked particularly interested in appropriating Mexican culture on this level, much less singing in public. It couldn't have helped that they were introduced to the challenge by a 12 year old boy who sang to Kaitlyn before declaring "I have stolen her heart. It is up to you to win it back." Can this kid be the next bachelor? Please?

The guys break off to start writing songs, while listening to Mariachi music on CDs. CDs? Really, ABC? This year starts with a "2" and you're using CDs? Man, this show is getting really low budget.

The performances are as bad, if not worse, than you would expect. Justin includes the phrase "mamma mia" in his song, which is Italian and not Spanish. JJ attempts to play the guitar and sing at the same time, but immediately fails at both. Ian forgets the words to his song AS HE IS READING THEM. The closest thing to a good performance was Nick, who serenaded/yelled lyrics at Kaitlyn on a balcony. This pissed off the rest of the guys, presumably because it was Nick's idea and not theirs.

Truly, they are all El Guapo.

Throughout his singing, the guys talk about how much they hate Nick.

After publicly humiliating themselves on yet another group date, the men move to a ranch to spend time with Kaitlyn. Josh offers to let Kaitlyn cut his hair under the pretense of building trust. Kaitlyn immediately shaves half of his head before her clippers die and Josh is left lopsided. That's the equivalent of dropping someone during a trust fall. Josh is mocked by both Kaitlyn and the guys for this dumb idea. Joe even does a spit-take after seeing it. I knew I liked him.

Not yet done making an ass of himself, Josh takes his asymmetrical head back to Kaitlyn to make sure she knows how much everyone hates Nick. Kaitlyn takes this very seriously (despite his hair) and confronts the group with her newfound information. However, like our Lord in the garden, Josh is denied three times by his compatriots. The date ends with him staring daggers at Nick, who is awarded the rose.

Before the cock crows three times, you will admit to not hating Nick V.

The final date of the evening is Shawn B's. He and Kaitlyn go kayaking, which was cute but boring. Shawn talks about his near death car accident while Kaitlyn gushes over his openness. Once you move beyond his handsomeness (which I am not discounting in any way) Shawn B is boring as shit. His droning monotone managed to make a harrowing escape from death sound like C-Span programming. Shawn ends the date by telling Kaitlyn he is falling in love with her. At least I think he did. It was hard to focus on the white noise that is his voice.

Throughout his date, Shawn also talks about how much he hates Nick.

OK, let's actually address this. Why does everyone hate Nick? I get that he showed up late to the show, but outside of that he has done nothing remotely irritating. If anything Kaitlyn should be the one with whom the guys are angry. She's the one who actually allowed him to stay and compete. Hating Nick for being on the show is like hating Nicolas Cage for making movies. It's not his fault someone else keeps letting this happen.

This happened and you let it happen.

The final rose ceremony begins with an introduction from villain of the week, Ian. Previously a "nice guy," Ian says that he can not understand why Kaitlyn is not more interested in him. He is a "Princeton graduate, former model, who defied death" and wants to be recognized as such. Ian uses this self-aggrandizing moment to make his pitch for becoming the next Bachelor, which seems contrived at best, and delusional at worst. During this heavily edited rant, Ian declares that his next interaction with Kaitlyn will be his Alamo. Literally. "The Alamo is where they made their last stand. San Antonio is where I make my last stand." Setting aside the fact that Ian clearly has no idea who the "they" is in that sentence, The Battle of The Alamo was an absolute massacre. Everyone holding out inside the fort died at the hands of Santa Anna's men. Either Ian did not realize this, or he has resigned himself to the personal massacre that is to follow.

This show has had four villains in as many weeks. JJ, Clint, Nick, and now Ian have all proven themselves to be assholes on consecutive weeks, leaving no room for me to really develop a strong hatred for any one in particular. Oh how I pine for the days of Kelsey and Juan Pablo, consistent villains who could be counted upon to be true assholes worthy of derision.

I'll see you next time,

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel