Sunday, May 18, 2014

Countdown to Armageddon

I think what a bad idea it was to agree to blog this season of The Bachelorette is finally setting in. The idea of me writing weekly recaps for a show as ridiculous as this sounds funny in premise but, like visiting that friend from grade school who you haven't seen for 9 years, probably isn't necessary. Nevertheless, after watching Juan Pablo simultaneously feign a basic understanding of English and boldly use malapropisms solely for the purpose of creating strangely public make out sessions, my interest was piqued. 

This happened, and you let it happen.

Now clearly Andi will not be another Juan Pablo. I say that in part to curb my expectations, but also because I flat out refuse to believe that there can be more than one good looking sociopath with such a tenuous grasp on the English language. I mean sure there is always Sophia Vergara, but  even though I'm fairly certain producing Killer Women qualifies as sociopathic behavior, she's probably too famous for a show like this.

Who knew the woman famous for playing a trophy wife on Modern Family wouldn't be able to think up a decent TV premise on her own?

So, Juan Pablo-less we are left with Andi Whatever-her-last-name-is (I want to say MacDowell?) courting a sea of white dudes. Seriously. 25 contestants and ABC (or more likely her dad, judging from his, lets call it "southern" demeanor) was only able to scrounge up two non white dudes? Lets try spread out the gene pool a little. Oh, and $50 says both of the non white guys (Marquel and Ron) are gone within the first two weeks, because neither's online profile sounds too encouraging.

Pictured above: A grown man trying to determine if "Venezuelan" means "White"

Lets start with Marquel, because frankly I'm going to need to save my strength for Ron. Marquel is the kind of guy that, at first glance, looks like a lock to win. He's young, good looking, and has a master's degree which is two positives more than most of the meatsacks on the show. But then he opens his mouth, the true downfall of any beautiful person. His typical Saturday night consists of "Netflix, cookies, and a glass of wine," which has to be the most boring/alcoholic child answer he could have given. Also, it's a lie. I know this because Marquel isn't a socially ostracized 22 year old girl whose crush just ignored her in the hallway.

 Hey Marquel. What wine pairs well with bullshit?

I also know that wine and cookie business is a lie, because Marquel answers a question regarding what superpower he would like to have with "The power to have incredible strength. I'd be an athlete and dominate." You know... sports... just like all superheroes do. Way to think outside the box you beautiful idiot. To sum up Marquel, he would ideally like to live a life of athletic dominance by day, and drunken desserts by night. Hey ABC. You know you can edit this stuff right? You don't have to just write down whatever comes out of a person's mouth.

He is an idiot, but a beautiful idiot.

Lets move away from Marquel before I get lost in those eyes and over to Ron so I can get this out of my system. Ron is a 28 year old beverage sales manager which I suspect is fancy speak for bartender. He too seems to have a rough time with the superhero question, because his answer reads "I would be able to be where I wanted, when I wanted. Some sort of speed travel." I'm not sure if he means teleportation, superhuman speed, or that he would like to own a car, but Ron really needs to take a second and try not to word vomit down the front of his shirt.

Look! It's that superhero who can be where he wants, when he wants. What should we call him?

But the real coup de grace comes when Ron answers the question "If you could be someone else for just a day, who would it be and why?" Fucking Ron... I don't even have the heart to set up his answer. This is verbatim what he says. "A random dude renting jet skis on a nice island, because he's living pretty stress-free. No worries." Well good news Ron! You actually are just a random dude, and about to get a lot more random after you get kicked off the show! Also, based on your answers renting jet skis could be the only thing you are actually qualified to do! Might have to wait a few years to move up to that nice island though. That promotion is probably a few years out.

He also really likes Frodo, from Game of Thrones.

I really don't have the patience to sift through the other 23 contestants, but I imagine I can sum them all up by saying they are affable white guys who like all kinds of music, are a little bit country, and have some vague tragedy following them around. Another $50 says that one of these tragedies includes someone's grandpa who just died. Move aside Boko Haram girls! This guy's grandpa was his best friend!

Even I thought that was in bad taste.

Look, no matter what happens I am sure this is going to be one of the dumbest things I have ever done with my time. I'm a little nervous because Andie MacDowell genuinly seemed boring last season, but then again she was next to Juan Pablo for most of it. That guy and all his bullshit could make a boozy quinceanera seem boring by comparison.

Oh come on Britney! It wasn't that bad!

I've never actually seen a full episode of The Bachelorette, but as my friend described it "They seem like the guys that will be doing free weights by day and crying their eyes out in the confessional at night." Thanks for that Lizzy, especially since you are probably the only one reading this. Look, if her summation of the season is any indication of events to come, I will have plenty of fodder for both jokes and a rage induced stroke.

Thanks for reading.

Gossip Squirrel

No comments:

Post a Comment