Monday, May 19, 2014

Meet The (White) Guys!

Here's the thing. In last night's sleep deprived post I attempted to make fun of ABC's white-washing of contestants on this season of The Bachelorette. I stand by that 100%. While rereading the post today however, I realized that all I actually did was just rip into Marquel and Ron because they weren't white. Well rested hindsight being 20/20, this was probably not the best way to mock the show. So put away your pitchforks for two seconds while I try to be an equal opportunity jackass.

Always Be Caucasian

I'm not going to take a look at every guy on the list, but here's a few profiles that I really enjoyed for various reasons.

Lets start with Chris because Alphabet. Despite the fact that his faux hawk and pointy chin make his head look suspiciously like a football, I actually really like this guy. Dude is a farmer, loves the movies Rudy and Braveheart, and his biggest first date fear is "accidental diarrhea." You and me both, Chris. You don't give an answer like that unless it has been a reality at some point in your life.

That is one puntable head

It's amazing how quickly this group goes down hill. Next up is Dylan, who seems to have borrowed his haircut from Rider Strong a la Boy Meets World. I'm putting money down that this guy says under 20 words for his duration on the show, because this profile contains next to no information and is a real snooze fest. Well, it was a real snooze fest until I read what his biggest first date fear was. "The girl being a mute and just having an awkward time." I know what he means, but you'll enjoy that sentence a lot more if you picture him thirty minutes into a meal when he suddenly realizes that the woman across from him is a literal mute.

I told you that hair was similar.

Eric was going to be my next sarcastic comment, but I accidentally read some Bachelorette news when I was looking for the picture of ol football head up top. All I will say is that his favorite thing to read is Wikipedia and let you write your own jokes.

It's good we got that business out of the way, because I promptly found the profile of what looks to be an aging lesbian named Jason. This might be the best thing I have ever read, and I frequently reread the lyrics to the Growing Pains theme song. Where do we even begin? His top three musical artists of all time are Toby Keith, Deadmau5, and Led Zeppelin, which is not a thing. Either this guy doesn't know that it's ok not to like things, or he is desperately clinging on to any shred of likability that I'm sure is quickly fading away. Now if you thought that was mean hold on, because this dude is about to deserve every bit of it. His ideal superpower would be X-Ray vision so he could "increase patient satisfaction scores at work." Two things. First, if that is what you are actually using superpowers for then you are boring beyond redemption and you are going to die alone. And B, that is absolutely not what you are going to use it for. Anyone who says they wouldn't look at strangers naked is a liar. And that includes you. If you are reading this and think you wouldn't use it to look at people naked you are a liar.

Looks like Skeletor's gay aunt.

I swear I am almost done with Jason, but this little nugget needed a paragraph of its own. The Bachelorette producers have one cutesy little question that I don't think I've mentioned yet. "Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he won't do that. What will you not do?" Most of the answers are pretty reasonable, "I wouldn't hurt people," "I wouldn't degrade myself," and so on. But not my lesbian man Jason. What is the one thing Jason would never do for love? 

"Forsake my family."

What the shit Jason? You can't just drop a medieval age truth bomb like that and not follow it up with anything. That wording is too specific to have just come off the top of your head. Did a gypsy cast some cryptic unbreakable curse that does not allow you to forsake your family or something? Was there a goat slaughtered in the process? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU JASON? Will you turn back into a man if you betray your family's name?

I gotta move on, or I'm going to write about Jason for another hour, and I've only got that long before the show starts and I have to do this all over again. Oh! By the way, remember yesterday when I bet everyone that at least one of these guys would have a dead grandfather that they brought up? Well pay up nerds! JJ just made me $50 from each of you when he referred to his grandfather as his hero. He actually has one of the few not terrible profiles on here (even though his occupation is listed as "Pantsapreneur," whatever the hell that is) but either way, a dead grandpa is a dead grandpa. You can hand the checks out to me directly or send them by owl, whatever works easiest for you.

Sorry about your dead grandpa bro.

Josh M is next up, and despite having some heavily groomed eyebrows that look suspiciously like Bowser's (Mario, not Sha Na Na,) he seems to be a pretty good guy. He's a former professional baseball player, who seems pretty pragmatic, and genuine in his answers. Oh, there is one thing. If he was ever stranded on an island the three things he would bring are "A woman to be with and to have company, a gun to easily kill animals to eat, and a knife to carve them up." Setting aside the obvious "women are things" problem with what he just said, I really pity the woman who gets sent to that island with him. Once he realizes that hunting is hard, I'm betting that the unlucky woman he brought along will pretty quickly become The Most Dangerous Game.

"I have played the fox, now I must play the cat of the fable."

Oh wow, I've only done six of these? Everyone take a break. We're half way there. Sorry that bit about Jason took so long.

Just so this whole post isn't me shitting on everyone, I'll mention Marcus. Marcus fucking rocks. Marcus rocks in a way that as I'm typing this it is getting difficult to not sound like I've got a crush on him. As of now I don't think that I do, but the guy has some solid taste in music and movies, has a solid and grounded view of himself, and played professional soccer in Europe. We'll see how he looks tonight, but I like this guy.

Also looks suspiciously like Gossling...

Maybe it's because I just got done looking at Marcus' page, but Mike is a real piece of shit. Somehow impossibly riding the line of serial killer and Shaun White sidekick, Mike has the arrogance of a trust fund kid who got an engineering degree but now just tends bar and snowboards all day. You want to know why I made that comparison? BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING. His best first date was "Hiking up the mountain at a full moon, sipping hot chocolate under the stars. Do I have to explain why? You know you'd like that date." Little tip Mike. Whenever you say the words "You know you'd like..." just stop, because you are veering dangerously close to date rapist territory.

I hate you so much.

I probably dislike Mike even more because there is another pretty solid bachelor who follows him. Patrick, like Marcus, seems to be a nice former soccer player who has a decent enough head on his shoulders. Really the only reason I mentioned him was because he lists the most romantic present he ever received as "an artistic photo I took and loved was put onto a 36x20-inch canvas." Just as a heads up Patrick, dick pics don't count as artistic photos, even if they are in black and white. And where would you even get that developed? I know Kinko's won't do that through personal experience.

Trust me, Kinko's does NOT like dick pics.

It really feels like I'm letting up on these guys, which I think is in part to how much energy I expended hating Mike. God I hate him. Anyways, Rudie (dumb name aside) isn't too bad either. He's kind of a dope, but he's also on The Bachelorette so it's not that surprising. At one point he does describe walking on the sand as "adventurous" activity. Walking on sand has only ever been an adventurous activity on Normandy Beach, and I really doubt that's what he has in mind.

Something something Notre Dame.

Fair warning, these last to are just flat out weird. Lets look at Steven first, a 30 year old stoner Snowboard Product Developer who is unsurprisingly the outdoorsy type and once took a solo trip to Bali. In true stoner fashion, he has completely hilarious and very poorly thought out answers to most of the... uh... what's the word? Oh yeah... questions. When asked what other time period he would like to live in he responded "Probably the Cretaceous period. It would be awesome to see a T-Rex." I sincerely love that he knew exactly what period the T-Rex lived during, but didn't see any problem with having to live the rest of his days surrounded by dinosaurs. Bold move bro.

 He wandered off the slopes and into our hearts.

Oh, and remember that "anything for love," Meatloaf question? He hands down wins for my favorite answer. "I won't switch my cell phone carrier because I am grandfathered in with unlimited data."

God I hope he wins.

Ok. Last one. The show starts soon so I'll have to make this quick. Tasos is a Wedding Event Coordinator from Denver who, from the looks of him, has definitely tried heroin before. All of his answers are pretty generic until we get to the "live in other time period" question. The dude wrote down "Ancient Egypt, 2686-2181 B.C." Why do you know those specific dates Tasos? Do you have some unfinished business in the past and only a kiss from a beautiful woman can set you free? What business to you have with us time traveler? Answer or be forever banished from our timeline! 

Im-ho-tep! Im-ho-tep!

Hopefully ripping on these white dudes makes up for last night's post.

Thanks for reading.

Gossip Squirrel

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