Monday, June 2, 2014

Episode 4: All Men Must Die

Oh wow. This was a rough episode. We'll get to all the craziness later, but it should be said that my opinions on everyone basically just did a 180.

This week the show moves to Connecticut, in what I imagine is an effort to continue being solely accessible to white people. The guys are incredibly excited for the move, I assume because wherever they are staying at any given time is essentially a prison. No wonder they are so head over heels for Andi. Their day basically consists of staying in the same house all day and drinking. While that sounds completely awesome to me, I can see how it would get old. Andi is their only real contact with the outside world, so it kind of makes sense that they all go ape shit whenever she shows up.

Dylan gets the first date, which consists mostly of riding on a train. I was really hoping for an Orient Express style murder mystery where Dylan and Andi have to figure out who killed Mr. Ratchett. Instead Joey Lawrence Dylan leaves us with something significantly more dramatic.

There is no way I am not going to end up on some kind of watch list with this search history...

The entirety of this date seems designed to make Dylan to break down and cry. Multiple times, Andi says that she can tell that he is holding back something from her. He responds by staring out the window at a nearby river and saying "I swam across that river before." That's the kind of line that would fail any english major for being hyper dramatic and just plain stupid. It's on par with "I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and it gets everywhere."

Fuck everything about that movie.

Andi pushes him on the issue, which means Dylan now gets to recount (again) the story of both his siblings overdosing. This is brutal (Hey! That's the name of the blog!) to listen to, and Dylan breaks down a couple times in telling it. Instead of reacting at all in the moment, Andi just kind of sits and watches him. You know, like a person who cares. It is nice to see her muster up some emotion in the confessional though. At least she had a couple takes to work up the tears on that one.

Andi also mentions how honored she is that he would tell her about his family. Well not to make you feel less special Andi, but he also just told myself and literally the millions of other people watching. It's hard for me to comprehend how she thinks this is a private moment, and then kicks Eric off for saying she acts different when cameras are around.

Mercifully, the family tragedy train ride comes to an end, with Andi giving Dylan a pity rose. She says that it's not a pity rose, but it totally is. Can you imagine what a monster she would have to be to kick him off right then? Might as well have shoved a bag of heroin in his hands and sent him on his way.

Oh right. His siblings... My bad...

Also, it doesn't look like Dylan has changed his hair since the funeral.


Well now that I've ensured my spot in hell lets get on to the group date, or as I like to call it WNBA Jam. The guys are playing ball against some WNBA players and then each other. Once they realize this everyone looks nervously at Marquel, trying to figure out if it is racist or not to want him on their team. The WNBA players look really excited to be on TV, because I'm sure it's the first time that has happened in ever. 

Andi is rocking some sort of high heeled sneaker which makes me question everything I have ever believed in, while Josh has a near encyclopedic knowledge of the women he will be playing against. Odds are he has spent many lonely nights watching their highlight clips on YouTube while performing unspeakable acts.

 You're a creep Josh. No one finds this sexy.

The WNBA players just destroy the guys. I found this very satisfying to watch, not so much as a fan of basketball, but more as a fan of public humiliation. The highlight was when Mackelmore tried some up and under move and got stuffed by a woman whose feet never even left the ground. Hey ABC, put one of these women on The Bachelorette. 

The guys play each other next to determine who gets an evening date with Andi, who by the way is getting progressively "blacker" the longer she sits with the WNBA players. The producers clearly had a plan for this date, as the teams are pretty ridiculously stacked. For God's sake, one team doesn't even have real jerseys. They just drew sharpie hearts on their shirts. They are also playing with one less guy, no coach, and they have JJ. It is actually amazing they didn't lose by more.

Also, the score at halftime was 6-6. There are children at your local YMCA who can outshoot these guys.

Shoot for your father's love Tyler!

After the game, Andi meets up with the winners. She complains of not knowing more about Eric and he obliges. Most interestingly, he's a former Mormon which takes some balls to admit on national TV when you live in Utah. From the sound of it, he might actually be an atheist too which is practically unheard of on network TV. Lets all pour one out for Eric. Just make sure it isn't caffinated, alcoholic, or warm so we don't piss off his still-Mormon family.

They're just a weird group of people.

Brian, who I didn't know existed until tonight, goes full Harlem Globetrotter and nails a half-court shot. He then fails to kiss Andi and still gets the rose. Andi is just straight up rewarding guys for being good at sports and bad at life. We should pour one out for her self respect as well.

The next solo date is Marcus, who basically just rappelled down a building and into my heart. I should have recorded this and taken notes. That is absolutely how you be awesome. He doesn't do anything to stress her out, gives surprisingly good instruction, and keeps her mind off impending death with talk of Mah Jong and golf. Frankly if I was rappelling with him I would have kissed him too. How does the show not just immediately end right there? He won. That's it.

 At some point he will have his own Dos Equis commercials

Quote of the night goes to Nick, who yells out "There's no crying in rappelling!" Awesome.

The rest of the date is boring. They talk a little, Marcus gets a rose, and says he's falling in love with her. It's all pretty boring and underscored by awkward dancing on a stage while terrible country music is played in a casino. This date took a nose dive quickly...

So the show cut to commercial, and I'm seeing Adam Richmond from Man vs. Food in an ad for Wal-Mart. Good to know he's still putting garbage into his body.

I will do literally anything for money.

Andi gets a letter from a secret admirer, who I'm betting was one of the producers trying to keep the show from running short. Literally nothing came of this letter. Why did we have to see it?

At the final get together, Andi continues to show that she has no real personality by calling Marquel "fresh," a word she has literally never used with any of the other contestants. She's basically just a bad attempt at a mirror, reflecting dumb versions of people back to themselves.

Now we get to the rough stuff. If anyone wants to stop reading now I would absolutely not blame you, because this probably won't be that funny. I'll try to keep it short either way.

Eric points out that while he opened up to Andi she hasn't really opened up to him, and that she seems to act differently when the cameras are around. It's a fair point, considering we really know nothing about Andi beyond her occupation and a few scenes with her family from the first episode. Andi does not react well to this and asks if he thinks she's just an actress, which is not something he ever said. To me this sounded like a guy who just wanted to have a relaxed conversation without the pretense of a show surrounding it. The editing makes it really hard to know exactly how this conversation really went down, but to me it made Andi look completely unredeemable. I'll explain why.

At no point did Eric say anything even remotely rude to her. He merely said he would like to see the real her, the one that doesn't exist amongst all the forced formality. On a show like this that is a valid concern, even if it is not phrased in the most elegant way. Maybe he's right, or maybe he's not. It really doesn't matter because Andi reacts as if he's just called her a cunt and goes on some lengthy speech about how hard she is working on this show. This completely misses the point of what he says, and manages to reveal that to Andi the most important thing isn't forming mutual connections with potential suitors, but instead how hard it is to be her. It's reactions like that. which make me think Andi is obviously an actor who is just doing this for the fame. There is just no reason to react so violently to the concerns of another human being. She is completely unwilling to put forth any emotional effort into their dates and is treating all of these guys like a spectator, who is refusing to be challenged in the slightest.

The one on one with the host was equally disturbing. Between Andi's disengagement from what was happening and the host's trying to get her to say that Eric never would have died if she kept him around, the entire segment felt rather sleazy. I know the show is called The Bachelorette, but if you're going to pay tribute to a man that died, try to keep the conversation about that man. Instead the two talk about Andi and how she feels, under the guise of paying tribute. This was gross and an insult to the man.

Later bro. You were the best part of this show.

So this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but Andi is basically no different than Juan Pablo. Fuck that, she's actually worse than Juan Pablo. At least with Juan Pablo you knew what you were getting. Andi is some kind of amorphous personality that can only reflect other people back at themselves. She's the kind of person who is instantly loved, but quickly realized to have nothing of substance. If these personality traits keep up, my posts are going to get a lot more mean.

I really hope that I am wrong. I hope that I'm missing something redeeming left on the editing room floor which vindicates her and shows just what a sweet and caring person Andi Dorfman can be. Until I see that though, I'm going to continue having a real problem with the character being portrayed on this show.

In the mean time, lets all go out and be as cool as Eric tomorrow. That's a fitting tribute.

Thanks for reading.

Gossip Squirrel

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