Sunday, June 1, 2014

Episode 3: Lost in Oblivion

Well. It's official. My patience for The Bachelorette is finally wearing thin. If anyone was taking bets on how long it was going to take for me to get completely bored by this show, it turns out the answer is about 2.5 episodes. Is this what the rest of the season is going to be like? I'm not sure I can keep this up without at least a goofy fistfight and some tears. Come on Andi! Make these guys fight for your love! 25 men enter, one man leave!

Mackelmore is basically Master Blaster already.

Enough complaining though, we've got work to do.

The show opens with Andi being very excited about moving from LA to Santa Barbara for some reason. Considering she's basically moving from one mansion to another about an hour north, I am confused as to why this is a thing. Is this what rich people consider to be exciting? Is there something different about the mansion in Santa Barbara? These are questions I would ask, only I flat out do not care.

Nick V gets the first solo date, which consists of bike riding, walking on the beach, and hiking. It was a completely normal date, with completely normal conversation. I guess I like knowing that the contestants and Andi can do completely normal things and have a good time, but holy cow this was boooooooring. Isn't this show supposed to be wacky and hyper dramatic? The first solo date was like watching Bugs Bunny fill out paperwork. You keep waiting for something interesting to happen, but eventually it just sort of ends...

A tie and no pants would have been more fitting last week, Bugs.

To underscore just how boring this first date was, the show keeps cutting back to the guys in the house. Marcus is becoming some angsty mix of Holden Caulfield and Harry Potter. He just cannot stand the thought of Andi talking to any other guys on the show for any reason, despite the fact that he's known her for like a week and this is The Bachelorette. He also mentions multiple times that he knows Andi's feelings for him are different than for every other guy in the house. Either Marcus isn't understanding quite how the show works or he is a sociopath, completely devoid of empathy. I kind of hope it's the latter, because I could really go for some Ryan Gosling "Drive" style blood rage.

The date mercifully ends, and we get the guys heading to their musical outing. When they walk into the concert hall I am 100% sure that only Marquel and Mackelmore knew who Boyz II Men was. I'm a little surprised no one yelled out "Oh shit! It's The Roots!" My favorite quote from the guys was "I touched by first butt to Boyz II Men." I really hope that butt was his own.

Smack dat butt Nemo.

Bradley, true to form, is practicing scales and just blasting his operatic version of "I'll Make Love To You" which was so profoundly annoying that I started aggressively staring out the window hoping to get distracted. Alas, I live on a boring street. This guy is a walking stereotype. If Hitler had tried to wipe out opera singers from 1930's Germany, it would have been Bradley's face on the posters around town.

(Speaking of opera singers, Sharleen now does recaps as well. Mine is better, but give her's a shot I guess.)

Seriously, Bradley is singing so much that he either really loves the sound of his own voice, or this is a strategy that has worked for him in the past. Given the nature of the show, I actually think it was the latter. Can you pick up girls now by just yelling in their face? If so I'm either going to become very successful very quickly, or get arrested. Both would be better than this. 

Sorry, I just couldn't let that Bradley shit go. He's got less soul than a shoe, and the personality of a tube sock.

How is it that all of these guys are such bad singers? Statistically you would think one of them would at least be able to find the general melody. Both Josh and Marcus forget the words to their four bars of music, which is just sad. Marcus also tries to Henry Higgins his way through the few words he does remember, but can't even do that. I'm souring on him, as well as most of the contestants on the show. Andi should have given the rose to Wanya Morris instead of this sorry group. He's the only one that seemed even a little bit charming and doesn't treat Andi like some mythical figure.

(Insert the billionth Boyz II Men pun here)

Hands down the quote of the night goes to Andi, with "It's gonna be a lot of guys to manage, but we're gonna separate the boys from the men." If that's not the tagline for her inevitable post-bachelorette porno, I'm not sure what is.

After that abortion of a concert is mercifully finished, they head back to the house. Andi and Josh make out, leading tongue first a la Sharleen and Juan Pablo. Josh also gets the group date rose, which leads me to believe that tongue girth is an important factor in her decision making process.

The show gets mildly more interesting during JJ's one on one date, where he and Andi put on old person makeup and have a day in the park. There are clearly two very different makeup artists working on them though, as JJ comes out looking like the Crypt Keeper and Andi basically just looks like herself with a wig. Come on ABC, she's got value beyond beauty. You can age her up a little. Their elderly characters need work too, because they sound like emphysema patients towards the end. The two spend most of their time "fooling" people into thinking they are old with pranks like "can you take a picture of us?" Bad Grandpa this is not.

Now here's a first date I would have enjoyed.

Did it creep anyone else out that their first date was trying to look into the future 40 years? Obviously this is not how any 70 year old couple would ever act, but the fact that they are pretending at it makes me very uncomfortable. Just a severe lack of boundaries.

I will say that I was very grateful for the tasteful kissing as opposed to a full on make out. There's already too much sloppy tongue action on this show, and seeing it come from the faux elderly would have made me ralph for sure.

It's too bad that Ron had to leave the way he did. Deaths like that are rough no matter who you are, and he definitely made the right call by leaving. That being said, he somehow still managed to be boring in his exit. How did this guy even get through the auditions?

While Andi pretends to be sad that Ron left, Josh and JJ are up to some sleuthing! It's Josh and JJ Hardy in, "The Case of the Hostess's Phone Number."

Not "that" JJ Hardy.

Our two detectives discover remember that Andrew got a phone number from a hostess after the first night's dinner, which is suddenly important for some reason. They essentially ambush Andrew and demand answers that they frankly aren't entitled to. I know the show was trying to make Andrew out to be a bad guy, but the Hardy Boys really pulled a bush league move here. You don't know if he asked for the number, if he called it, what the circumstances were, or really anything at all. Basically you just saw a butter knife and accused the guy of murder. Also, way to wait until you were both safe from elimination to bring this up. 

That being said, Andrew is a fucking creep.

Oh, and if Dylan doesn't cut that hair, he's going to start taking on a real Judd Nelson vibe.

I'd really enjoy him calling Andi "princess"

After the roses were given out, Bradley and Brett were sent home. Brett seemed nice enough, and admitted that he probably should have done more. Bradley on the other hand, had a meltdown in the driveway. Hearing him speak words out of his mouth was very weird actually, as I fully expected him to bust out into an operatic version of "All By Myself." No matter. The show is probably better off without both of those guys.

Well that's pretty much it. Sorry everyone, this turned out to be kind of a bummer of a recap. Hopefully tomorrow will find me in better, or at least more tolerable spirits. Previews of Monday's episode look like a real disaster, so even if I'm being a grump I should at least have some interesting stuff to write about. And if not, I'll just take up Monday night drinking.

That's healthy right?

Thanks for reading.

Gossip Squirrel

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