Monday, August 18, 2014

BiP Episode 3: Confirmation Bias and Revisionist History

If ever there was an episode of TV that made me want to rant and rave like the world's grouchiest old man, this is it. Complete with crybabies, desperation, and generally idiotic behavior, this episode really brought out my inner curmudgeon. Special apologies to my parents who called in the middle of the show, only to be told that I couldn't talk right now because I was watching "Bachelor In Paradise." I really hope they don't think they have failed as parents, though it would be completely justifiable if they did. Then again maybe they have failed as parents because... you know... I'm still writing this...

This week the show opens literally where last week left off. Dylan is gone, and Elise just finished her weird speech about something that I have already repressed from my memory. Immediately she is all over Chris as if he wasn't just the runner up in her little love race. I'd call it a love triangle, but Elise was more or less in love with two guys who either didn't like her or didn't care. If anything it was closer to a love fork in the road, only neither road cares what you do.

Elise is certainly not the road less traveled.

Immediately after leaving the rose ceremony, the group discovers a new resident of Paradise in Danielle. She seems nice enough, and immediately uses her date card to take Marquel on a date. This bums out Michelle because she has no faith in anyone. Seriously, who cares if he goes on a date with someone else? Either he'll not like them as much as you and you're fine, or he'll like them more in which case good for them. There is of course a third option where Marquel likes them both equally and begins a "sister wives" situation, which would merit both its own show and blog in and of itself.

Ultimately Michelle has nothing to worry about because the Marquel and Danielle date is boring as shit. The two walk through some Mayan ruins and go swimming, but beyond a nearby lightning strike nothing much happens. One highlight was when Danielle admits she watched him on the last season of "The Bachelorette," to which Marquel responds "You know of me?" From a literary standpoint, that is either a weird thing to say in any other time period and just bad writing in this one. .

The line would fit well in this movie though.

Elise gets the next date card and from the carnival music playing in the background, you can just tell this is going to be good. She immediately picks Chris for the date because they are both idiots. Chris also mysteriously injures his knee (though no footage appears to exist of this) mere moments after. Elise is of course choosing to continue being the worst person on earth by saying "I'm really bummed that Chris hurt his knee, but I'm not going to let anything get in the way of this date." Seriously? Not even the health and well-being of half of the date-goers? If it was her knee I would understand, but this is a borderline "Misery" situation.

A movie that could have starred Joe Theisman, Anderson Silva, Paul George, Kevin Ware... holy shit, there have been a lot of gross leg breaks in sports.

Chis won't stop talking about how much his leg hurts, which makes me lose what remaining sympathy I had for him. He also complains about not getting to talk enough but says it's ok because Elise is "super hot." Fuck you Chris. You're just a bad person. That being said, Elise is already thinking about changing her last name to Bukowski, so fuck both of them I guess.

Speaking of fucking both of them, the two shack up in their mini version of a fantasy suite that same night. They do this mostly because Chris wants to and Elise has no sense of self. This couple is just feeding into each other's stupidity. If I had to guess, Chris' favorite thing about Elise is boobs. On the flip side, Elise's favorite thing about Chris is that he likes her boobs. It's a weird relationship where they both get to fuck themselves.

 This Bukowski is amazingly less depressing than the one on this show.

One last thing. Elise tells Chris that "You will be blessed for picking me." Aside from the fact that this is basically the message of Jesus Christ, it's just a dumb thing to say. Unless Elise is going to lay hands on Chris' knee, or miraculously fix his shitty personality, it is a flat out lie. I really hate both of them so much. I just needed another paragraph to get that out of my system.

Back at the bungalow,  Michelle and Clare set up a double date with Robert and Zach. This really isn't interesting beyond the fact that Sarah is upset by it. Even Clare and Zach becoming a couple doesn't save this segment. Actually, I'm not sure why I even thought they would. Clare and Zach becoming a couple is boring and has no relevance on this show or my enjoyment of it. They both seems nice and are together, so... yeah. It's like any other couple in life.

I don't know what this is, but it's a "couple" image search result and it makes me happy.

Sarah confesses her lack of confidence in regards to every person around her. At first her self-effacing personality was endearing, but it quickly has become grating. I can only hear so much of "These other girls are so pretty and I only have one arm," before I lose my mind. At this point I wish she had two arms just so I wouldn't have to listen to her complaining anymore.

Later that night some girl named Jackie shows up. The girls all lose their minds about how hot she is, but honestly this girl just has the face of a baby. I'm not saying she isn't beautiful or hot or however you want to classify people, but she has a very small face in relation to her head. It's just so scrunched. Seriously. Have a look at it. 

See? Tiny face!

Tiny Face asks Marquel on a date, much to Danielle's dismay. The two head to the Yucatan Peninsula to view Mayan ruins. Marquel really likes this girl because he is willing to break his "no kiss on the first date rule" with her. We know this because he makes a lengthy announcement about it which goes something like, 

"I have a rule that I never kiss on the first date, but I've had a good time. Therefore, I will begin moving my head towards your head and if you want to you can leave your head there. If not you should move it away. Ok here I go, moving my head in because I want to kiss you since I like you so much and ok here we go. Yes we are kissing now, this is great."

The messed up thing is, what I typed isn't that far off from the truth...

Speaking of making out...

By the way, once Michelle hears about Marquel going on this date she says "Marquel is open to every possibility," and looks at the camera as if she just said something damning about him. It honestly took me a while to realize that she thought this was a bad thing. Either these contestants do not know what empathy is, or they do not realize they are on a reality show. Both are pretty depressing.

Eventually we see Chris and Elise again, this time returning from their date to a hospital (feel free to read that either way.) Chris still won't shut up about his leg, though he still tries to walk everywhere without crutches. Either he isn't really hurt or he's an enormous idiot. Either way, Elise has found the equivalent of an injured puppy to take care of, so she's on cloud nine. In fact at one point after we see Chris immobilized with his leg in a splint Elise says "This is absolutely the reason I came to paradise." Really Elise? Do I have to show the Misery picture again? You specifically came on this show to care for an injured horn dog?

The only acceptable result when you image search "leg break."

At the bungalow, Claire is upset because it is the 10th anniversary since her father died. That fucking sucks, and I'm sorry for her. It seems like she lost her dad pretty young, which is hard on anyone. Unfortunately, she instantly moves from pitiful to idiotic when she sees a sea turtle crawl on the beach and interprets it as a sign from her father. Seriously. That means that in her head, her father was in Heaven and thought "Clare is great. I should send a pregnant sea turtle on the beach so that she knows how much I approve of the guy she just met." See how dumb that sounds?

So long as we are talking about dumb people, we should probably talk about AshLee and Graham. Even typing the name AshLee makes me mad, but not as mad as pretty much everything she says. AshLee apparently has been stalking Graham for some time, following him on social media and already wanting him to meet her dad. When the time comes for them to decide if they will share a room, Graham decides against it despite AshLee wanting to. Following this she says "When I see what I want I take it." That's an incredibly rape-y statement, and if you think I'm wrong just imagine Graham was the one who said it about AshLee.

AshLee, showing where the wild goose goes.

Finally, all the date nonsense ends and it's rose ceremony time. Chris groans all the way across the sand which is mostly his fault because he is using a piece of driftwood as a cane as opposed to the crutches he was given by the hospital. He also makes the other guys carry him, which was a real missed opportunity to throw a man into the sea on their part. 

Otherwise, the rest of the pre-rose ceremony is pretty much what you'd expect. Michelle and Sarah both like Robert, and Danielle and Jackie both like Marquel. Besides that, everyone is pretty well matched up. Even with the couples forming though, I am excited for the rose ceremony because there are bound to be tears.

What, am I NOT going to post this picture?

The roses go as follows. Graham give a rose to AshLee (no surprise,) Zach gives a rose to Clare (no one cares,) Marcus gives a rose to Lacy (who is dressed like a hooker,) Marquel gives the rose to Jackie (sucks for Danielle,) Robert gives the rose to Sarah (which makes Michelle cry,) and Chris does something stupid. Namely, the stupid this Chris does is to leave the show because his wittle knee hwurts weal bad. Before he weaves he asks Elwse to come wif him, and she agwees. 

By the way, where is she going to? To his home? To the airport with him? Simply away form the show? What is happening here? No matter what, her friends point out she basically just ran off with a guy she's know for three days, so... yeah...

Now that we are three episodes in, there are themes emerging in the way the producers are choosing to tell the story. Several others aside, the main theme I noticed was the way in which women and men are portrayed in this show. In nearly every case, the women of the show are needy and relationship focused above all. They don't so much care who the relationship is with so long as they have one to use as a status symbol. Men on the other hand are either too laid back or stupid to notice the women's intentions until it is too late and the women are mad at them. Technically this is still a stereotype of both groups and blah blah blah, but damn if it isn't entertaining. Offensive/lazy or not, this is the first time a show like this is really actually holding my attention. 

Well done production team. 

Thanks for reading,

Gossip Squirrel

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