The first of two episodes this week opens with Robert taking Sarah on a one on one date. Sarah is over the moon about it, which is nice to see. Unfortunately Michelle is so distraught by Robert’s indirect rejection that she has a miniature implosion. Why exactly I’m not sure, because if memory serves me correctly Robert already picked Sarah at the last rose ceremony. Regardless, Michelle is upset to the point of constantly complaining to the audience about her lack of significant other. It quickly becomes incredibly annoying.
This is how bad Michelle gets. At one point she says “This is my worst fear, to be the only one here without a man on her arm.” Sorry common sense, you’re dead now. It was nice while it lasted but now we define our WORST FEARS as not having the approval of the opposite sex, without even considering snakes as an option. Snakes should always be your worst fear.
Michelle also asks what she is doing wrong to have ended up like this. She says this directly into the cameras of “Bachelor in Paradise,” not taking that part as a hint to where she may have screwed up.
“This. This is where you went wrong.”
In what has to be either the cruelest or most clueless move in the show thus far, Sarah then asks Michelle to do her hair before the date. As she was not privy to Michelle’s previous comments, I doubt she really knew what was going on and thus seemed surprised by Michelle’s emotions. It probably also explains why she only had one braid in her hair for the date. You don’t let an emotionally unstable person near your head for any longer than you have to.
Mackelmore/Goofball Cody shows up in Paradise, which makes Marcus and Marquel lose their shit. As much as I ripped on these guys during the Bachelorette, I’m enjoying their bromance a lot more on this show. In fact, I’m legitimately surprised these guys haven’t just been taking each other on dates. They would probably enjoy it more, and I definitely would enjoy anything with less Lacy in it. She’s getting grosser by the episode.
There's just a lot I don't approve of here.
Out of the gate, Mackelmore makes a move on Clare and asks her on a date. Clare is flattered but must turn down the request because of a preexisting relationship with Zack. She is one of about three women on this show that I still sort of like as a human being, future events notwithstanding.
Mackelmore is awesome in giving his date card to Marcus so that he can spend some time with Lacy. Man, these bros really do love each other. Seriously if ABC knows what’s good for them, these idiots will have a show by next year. I would watch the shit out of that.
Oh, Marcus and Lacy go on a date. It’s boring.
So this is where the episode really got weird. This new guy shows up names Kalon and everyone flips a shit. Apparently this guy told a bachelorette that her daughter was “baggage,” and got kicked off the show for it. He later tries to justify this to single mother Michelle by saying that he didn’t really care about Emily (the bachelorette in question) and didn’t think it mattered. Ignorance aside, that is like saying “Sorry officer for hitting that homeless man with my car, but I didn’t know him so it doesn’t really matter right?”
This broken windshield will bankrupt me! No hobo.
We learn that the audience isn’t the only one who dislikes this tool, as three of the women (Michelle, Jackie, and Sarah) all turn down his request for a date. This leads to the most self-indulgent thing I have ever seen in Kalon going on the date by himself and pretending to be ok with it. I really can’t describe it outside of being incredibly asshole-ish, self centered, and very confusing.
We also learned that this guy is terrible at analogies. About being at “Bachelor in Paradise” he says “It’s like being an alcoholic and being back at the bar for the first time. You just can’t decide.” No it’s not like that at all, because that would be a horrible experience for an alcoholic and you’re blindly rejoicing in all these women that actually hate you. He also says of Michelle “Crazy girls are like the stock market, and I’ll just have to see if I invest.” The only thing even close to correct about this is neither crazy girls nor the stock market are accurate predictors of economic stability. Otherwise, I don’t know what he’s talking about.
Here are some other miscellaneous things that Kalon said during his time on the show.
“I want to zip line into her tits.”
“I’d love to motorboat that.”
“I haven’t rappelled into a giant Mexican hole before, but I have gone into a tight one.”
“I’m the only one who deserves this date.”
Keep in mind he said that last thing after being rejected by thee women.
What a masturbatory, self loving fuckhead.
^Kalon. Sometimes I pretend that this blog is art.
After all that, Jesse arrives on the island. He’s kind of a douche according to the women, but pales in comparison to Kalon so I don't hate him yet. Jesse asks Jackie to go on a date with him, which consists of dinner and dancing in “a one million year old Mayan cave.” That last bit came from Jackie, who really needs to reevaluate her understanding of human history. The only thing dumber than that was the fact that they had a guitar player in the cave. Why can’t this show just appreciate history and nature for what they are without having to make us watch two idiots slow dance to alt-country as well?
Back at the house, AshLee tells Zack that he should consider breaking up with Clare because of the time she fucked Juan Pablo in the ocean. She tells him this primarily because she thinks there are no cameras around, seemingly haven forgotten that this is a reality TV show. AshLee (God I really hate typing that name again and again) then has multiple conversations about how they probably won’t use that footage while still being on the show. This show is getting meta and weird. I like it.
Speaking of meta, I missed four episodes of this for AshLee's bullshit.
Clare gets mad at both Zack and AshLee for the conversation. Zack is completely unable to muster any kind of apology or justification and comes off as being completely useless. AshLee however is full of half-apologies and passive-aggressive excuses. At one point she tells Clare that she shouldn’t feel bad for anything that has happened. If nothing else I’m just impressed at the balls it takes to say that to another person who you were a huge dick to a few moments before. What I’m saying is, AshLee is a huge dick with balls.
At the cocktail party, Michelle and Mackelmore finally start a relationship by kissing in a desperate attempt not to be sent home. There is just no way they actually like each other or have any significant feelings outside of a compulsion for attention.
Wait. This works?!
The rose ceremony begins with the predictable. Lacy picks Marcus and Clare picks Zack. Next up is AshLee who picks Graham. Instead of accepting the rose like his stage blocking said, Graham turns and walks off set. This is presumably because he found out that AshLee was a conniving lunatic with a dumb name. In an attempt to prove that very point, AshLee just stands there holding her rose with a blank look on her face.
And that’s just it. The show cuts to a “To be continued,” message and I immediately remember that I have to do this all over again tomorrow night. Dammit Chris Harrison, you fooled me again.
Well that's an odd choice...
One thing I realized about this episode actually came from Kalon. In shows like these I always think that I want crazier and crazier people involved because they will be more fun to watch. For the most part this is true, but Kalon showed that there is a floor on the amount of crazy I can handle. After a certain point it no longer becomes entertaining and moves closer to flat out offensive. That point is especially evident here as the audience had to listen to Kalon be completely misogynistic for quite a while. Sure, everyone on the show is dumb in some capacity, but when you see a person this untethered from reality it is pretty unsettling. Sometimes I forget that there are some flat out shitty people on the earth that have no redeeming qualities. With seven billion people on earth I suppose there are going to be a few of those though.
“There's too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.”
Thanks for reading,