Host Chris continues his average of three minutes of screen time per episode by opening this week and announcing that there will be a format change to the show. No new people, no rose ceremonies, no dates. Just the people on the show being their versions of "people." Honestly I was initially excited for this, because I thought it meant less bullshit. In reality it was the opposite.
Why am I ever excited about anything?
Ultimately, this means that the contestants have to decide if they want to take their current relationship outside paradise or end it now. Tasos and Christy, and Zack and Jackie both decide to end the relationships immediately and I couldn't be happier. It's not that I have anything against them, I just don't like them or want to see them on my TV ever again. Actually I might have something against them...
Michelle, who is the real star of this episode, is immediately concerned that the show's format change will mean she has to decide if she's going to marry Cody right now. First, that's not what the show is trying to get you to do. Second, Bachelor in Paradise isn't a legally binding contract. Once the cameras are off you can literally throw up your hands and yell "So long fools!" and no one will care. No one. Absolutely no one. ABC will not show up to your house and force consummation. Just do what you're going to do and get it over with already.
I can't even... This is a real Cops screenshot. Where is she gonna keep that ticket?
After Michelle is finished with the first of her many freak-outs, AshLee gets her turn in the spotlight. Honestly, she kills it too. Out of the gate, AshLee makes me hate her by wearing a too small bikini top with a denim vest which looks ridiculous. But then she points out that these relationships need to take time to form in real life situations, which was more insightful than anything I've heard on the show so now I like her again. After that though, she rambles about how perfect her relationship is so I hate her more than ever. Then later, she tells Graham that she doesn't expect marriage from him at this point and I think that's smart and like AshLee again.
Some time later, I am still trying to figure out if AshLee is a genius who was gaming the show in order to get air time, or an idiot who just happened across some nice thoughts. Several hours go by and I still have no idea. At this point I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she is being played by Christian Bale just for the shit of it. She just seems too much like a character for her to be a real person anyways.
Why do I feel like all of her hair is fake?
Before I can decide if I actually hate AshLee, Graham decides to finally dump her. To me it seemed like your run of the mill breakup, with one person being more invested than the other, but both being reasonable. The music would beg to differ though, because this was some of the most heartfelt scoring I have seen in a TV show in a long time. More than MASH, Band of Brothers, or Walking Dead, this music actually was the driving force behind my emotional attachment to the show. Seriously. It's like Sigur Ros showed up to an editing session and sat in.
You listen to Takk and tell me that I'm wrong.
Once the worst (or best?) person in the world is gone, we revisit Michelle who is now staring wistfully across the ocean and thinking about Cody. Clearly she must be thinking hard, because we get shots of her staring from three different locations. Eventually the staring contest with the sea ends, and Michelle calls her daughter for dating advice. I'll repeat that again in case it wasn't horrifying. MICHELLE CALLS HER DAUGHTER FOR DATING ADVICE. A grown woman called her 9 year old daughter (thanks for researching that Kelsey) to ask what she should do in regard to the caucasian Incredible Hulk. You're 33 and taking advice from someone in 4th grade. There is no advice that child can give you, which she didn't already learn from you. Let the circle be unbroken I suppose.
Eventually the ridiculous amount of pressure put on her daughter pays off for Michelle, and she decides to stay with Cody. Sort of. Basically she decides to keep thinking about it, which ultimately means nothing. That's not even untrue. It literally was a non-decision in the moment that was treated like a triumphant victory. If nothing else, Michelle is really good at staying on this show for no apparent reason. I guess we can call that a skill. In keeping with her hyper-dramatic version of life, Michelle says that this show is "literally like someone holding a gun to your head." No it isn't. It isn't that at all. In fact, it's literally like she's using a figurative term incorrectly. I figuratively can't stand her at all.
A match made in happenstance.
Host Chris shows up again to let the remaining three couples know that there will be another change to the show. Admittedly, I was hoping Host Chris would institute Prima Nocta and take each of the remaining females into his own fantasy suite for a night of hostfull goodness. Disappointingly this was not the case, and instead we were left with the actual couples making use of the fantasy suite on their own. I could have really gone for some Edward Longshanks style hosting in that moment. Take your birthright Host Chris! This is your destiny!
All of the women get super randy at the thought of overnight dates. Lacy talks about how she wants to be "all in" with Marcus, and Sarah says she's excited for Robert to "dig deep." Normally I wouldn't read too much into these comments, but the giggling immediately after leads me to believe these women are just crazy for guys right now. Michelle is the only one who doesn't seem to be wet with anticipation (God I am sorry for writing that) as she tells Cody "You know you're not getting laid tonight right?" Cody responds by wondering if Michelle is his "future wife," apparently because he forgot the word "Fiancee."
Speaking of people who had a "Future Wife..." Thanks Tommy Wiseau!
Of course Michelle's bashfulness towards Cody is gone in the morning when she walks in and immediately announces "I am really sore." She also decides to tell America that Cody has a big dick and knows how to use it, meanwhile Cody lets us know he checked several things off his bucket list last night. Fuck. That's so gross. I mean I couldn't write this blog and not mention it, but God damnit. Just writing that made me forget whatever joke I had planned for those two. Something about how Michelle's 9 year old daughter helped her make the decision to fuck Cody (which is true.) I dunno. The whole thing is gross and terrible. I'm just going to have to move on.
The only interesting/non-disgusting part of the overnight dates was Sarah and Robert. Apparently Robert was a little too sensitive of boundaries on the date and didn't make any attempt to be intimate with Sarah. Actually that's not entirely accurate, as Robert apparently slept in his jeans in order to keep the devil away from his privates. Sleeping in jeans. The straightest thing a man can do. Brokeback style.
Straight legs for some straight bros.
Eventually this weird sleeping arrangement causes the two to break up, which I will get to later, but it seems like the break up was really over a miscommunication. In Robert's confessional he mentioned that he felt as though he wanted to take things slow and treat the relationship with the respect it deserved. On Sarah's end, she felt that he wasn't physically attracted to her, a complaint that is completely valid from a person with one arm. Why the two had to break up over this is beyond me. I mean they live 10 minutes apart. Is there a reason beyond this show that the two can't just say "Oh that was weird, lets meet up and try this again?" Seriously. Is there a reason? I feel like I'm in an alternate universe with physical laws I don't understand.
Post Robert and Sarah breakup, we are left with two couples. Host Chris introduces the final two couples to three random couples which I expect you all know, but to me were total strangers. Apparently these couples were Bachelor family success stories, because after 28 plus seasons between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, they were only able to find three success stories. That is roughly a 10% success rate. Why are we listening to these people's advice? That's like asking me for help in speaking Spanish.
You can't even Google "Me llama es soy Thomas." That's how bad I am at Spanish.
The "wiser" couples give their blessings, which leads to Michelle and Cody deciding to stay together. They each give a speech about the other that makes me tune out, and eventually end up walking along the beach together. I was bummed to see them leave. Not because I liked them, but because now the only remaining couple is Marcus and Lacy.
If you thought Michelle and Cody were bad, Marcus and Lacy were a million times worse. Not even considering the hours I have watched these two whisper their love to each other, I have still seen too much of them. It was no stretch to guess that the two would be engaged by the end of the show, but I was a little surprised to actually see the engagement. Where exactly did Marcus get that ring? There is no shop in the area that would carry a ring of that size, much less fresh produce, so I am surprised that he got his hands on something that gaudy. Congratulations Marcus, you married the prettiest NASCAR gal of them all.
It's not that we don't take you seriously because you're a woman. We don't take you seriously because you're a NASCAR driver Danica.
So in the end Marcus and Lacy, and Michelle and Cody ended up together. Honestly I really don't care about any of these people so the outcomes have no affect on my life. Maybe you need to watch more of these shows to really appreciate the drama, but that realistically seems like too much work for this many idiots. I think in the meantime I will focus on the relationships in my own life, both those that I get to watch unfold (hello October weddings) and those I get to directly be a part of. In the meantime I will keep writing, but it will be nice to get away from the bachelor(ette) fueled insanity for a few months.
Thanks for reading.