Like last week, the show opens at the end of the previous rose ceremony. Apparently Cody told Michelle that he loves her? I do not remember that at all, but Michelle is understandably freaked out about it. Come to think of it, Michelle has spent her entire time on this show freaking out about one thing or another in dramatic fashion. Is this show even enjoyable for her anymore? Because it certainly isn't for me.
Michelle's reaction to Cody's "I love you" is to say that they should slow down and work on building a foundation. Cody nods and says something along the lines of "I totally get that." Right after this, he has a confessional where he says "I just want to show Michelle exactly how I feel." Yeah Cody. We know. That's the problem here. Your feelings are the problem.
Don't worry Cody, no one thinks you're a ridiculous human being.
The first solo date is Marcus and Lacy. I'll admit that at first I was annoyed to see more of them, but once I realized their date was mostly swimming in a cave... nope... still annoyed. Firstly, they are both only capable of talking about their relationship, which shouldn't even be worth commenting on. Secondly, who thought that date was a good idea? Watching two people tread water in a cave while trying to dodge bats and not think about what snakes were lurking in the water beneath isn't romantic, it's the beginning of a horror movie.
Definitely no monsters in here.
While those two are trying not to drown/get eaten, Brooks shows up as the new arrival in Paradise. He apparently is notable for having an awkward breakup while on The Bachelorette, but I don't have the patience or the willpower to research that right now. Unlike myself, Sarah is excited to see him and admits that she has a crush on him. Perhaps sensing this, Robert tells Brooks he cannot ask Sarah on a date. Instead he asks Jackie, who accepts.
The two go to dinner at Casa Banana, which is apparently a real place and not (as I previously thought) either a children's restaurant or a joke. Jackie compliments Brooks on being quick witted and says that she is very sarcastic, which as the saying goes is the lowest form of wit. Jackie of course meant that as a compliment to herself, ironically missing the actual meaning. Personally I think sarcasm is lazy. All it really is, is just repeating what someone said but with a shitty attitude. I mean anyone who would do that is a lazy piece of...
Oh wait. That's basically all this blog is.
The rest of their date is pretty standard except for the foosball game that takes place. Why did such a nice restaurant have a foosball table? My suspicion is that this is actually a Mexican Hooters, which the crew attempted to class up. It would also explain the random betting on their game, which seems like pretty Hooters-y behavior.
After the date, we see Brooks and Sarah basically being huge dorks, while Sarah talks about how she wants to break up with Robert because of her attraction to Brooks. As she is on her way to break it off, she finds a note Robert left for her which asks her to join him on the beach. Once with him, the two have a conversation about what happens after the show ends. Then Sarah tells the audience, without a trace of self-awareness, that she wants to stay with Robert because of her attraction to Brooks. Come on Sarah, you're smarter than that. If A equals B, then A can't also equal not B. That's basic and you should know better.
Of course they would still find a way to make this work.
In what is nearly an identical case, Michelle talks about wanting to break up with Cody. I can't blame her, because Cody has basically had a warm feeling and equated that with love. Concerned by this, Michelle goes down to the beach to break up with him until he gives a lengthy and rambling speech about how strong his feelings are for her. For some reason this doubling down actually works, and Michelle is no longer worried about his intensity. I have no idea why any of this happened, because Cody basically just said out loud everything that Michelle didn't like, which made her then like it? This is confusing.
The morning after whatever the hell that was, Christy is complaining about Jesse being a jerk. She is so annoyed by him that she prays to God for a better man to show up. Then the clouds open, a heavenly host of trumpets sound, and birds fly from the trees as Tasos walks up. Seriously, that was the big reveal. An odd looking dude who's main selling point right now is that he isn't horribly mean, isn't exactly the gift from God anyone could be hoping for.
A "gift from God" only if you need someone to cat-sit next weekend.
Almost as a favor, Tasos takes Michelle on a date which seems to be a swampy version of a lazy river. Once again I will point out that they are basically floating through a death trap, because there could literally be any number of snakes nearby that you would never see. Do you know specifically what kind of snakes live in swampy areas like that? Anacondas. You know the snakes that are over 20 feet long and would eat a person simply out of boredom? Those are the ones. It's probably nothing to worry about though. What's the worst that could happen?
This is the worst thing that can happen, for a couple reasons
Oh, their date was fine by the way. Most of it was just Christy complaining about Jesse to Tasos, who served nicely in his role of rebound guy. Sorry I got a little sidetracked there, I just really hate snakes. It won't happen again.
The next date was Zack and Jackie who went swimming in... Oh you have got to be shitting me. Again with this shit? You put more people in a cave with bats and snakes? What is wrong with you ABC? I don't like them any more than you do, but I don't want to feed them to the jungle. Take it easy and stop tempting fate here. You didn't even give Zack or Jackie floaties. They just struggled treading water for a while and then got drunk on a ledge.
Why don't we all just go swimming in the ocean while we're at it?
At the cocktail party is where things really got interesting. I'll get the dumb one out of the way first. Both Zack and Brooks deserve to be kicked off the show this week for their interactions with Jackie at the cocktail party. Zack gave her some stupid wish bracelet which I have to imagine is intended for 13 year old girls, while Brooks decided to have the pair paint each other's nails which is something I would also leave to 13 year old girls. Let her buy her own jewelry and paint her own nails guys. You two just focus on getting your first period.
Now here is where the shit really started to go down. Jesse is still vying for Christy's rose, despite the fact that he's a dick, saying "I'm not here to start a relationship with a dumb blonde, but Christy has a rose." Unable to get what he wants, and clearly still searching for attention, Jesse tells Christy that it is her fault and leaves the show. He tells the cast and crew that he got everything he came for and peaces out. Apparently in this case, "everything he came for" was a handjob. If you ask me that's too far to travel for something he can already do on his own.
Seriously, don't bother getting on a plane. It's not worth the layover.
As far as the actual confrontation goes, I'm going to say that you really should watch it if you haven't already. Lacy and Michelle are actually pretty great in convincing Christy to stand up for herself and made surprisingly more lucid points than I expected. Of course this is all within the context of a dating show so I don't know what they expected, but their points still stand. Not only do they get Christy to stand up for herself, but also make Jesse look like the asshole that he most likely is. I honestly didn't expect to see any kind of redemption in this show, but it really was great to see happen.
In the end, the roses were none too shocking. Lacy picks Marcus, AshLee picks Graham, Sarah picks Robert, Michelle picks Cody, Christy picks Tasos, and Jackie picks Zack. That sends Brooks home, which was too bad because he seemed like a good guy. Come to think of it, I say that about everyone their first week on the show. Maybe I just need a little more time to develop my hatred for them.
Me in a nutshell.
While I really enjoyed the speeches from Lacy, Michelle, and Christy at the end of the show, I can't help but notice a somewhat overt double standard used in portraying these women throughout the show. From the beginning we see Lacy not knowing the name for stalactites or stalagmites, Michelle being caught in a constant drama over guys, and Christy being too naive to realize when someone is taking advantage of her. The show proudly parades these women on screen and lets us all laugh at their "stupidity" while simultaneously using them as a forum for women's rights.
Now of course all women have a right to feminism, even the "stupid" ones. Honestly, they may need it more than the rest. But to make the same women who were mocked for their incompetence only a few minutes ago flag bearers for feminism cheapens the message of what is an important movement. To make incompetent people the leaders of anything makes it look less valid in the eyes of the public, a problem feminism already struggles with and against. If this is an issue ABC actually cares about, and I am sure it isn't, they need to realize how problematic this episode was for anyone watching. Playing both sides of the fence essentially negates this into being a non-issue, which it isn't.
You can't have it both ways ABC. Pick a side.
Thanks for reading.