Monday, December 8, 2014

Thirty Single Ladies! (1-10)

Well here we go again. ABC released bios on the 30 women who will be competing for the roses and affection of Chris Soules, the farmer who last season was a farmer and let everyone know that he was a farmer on a farm. Farmer! I assume this year's expanded group of contestants is an attempt to counteract Chris' complete lack of personality, which last season seemed to be summed up as "Aw shucks, I'm just a simple country boy. Also a farmer." Now don't get me wrong Soules is a nice guy and probably even a good person, but that isn't what we watch reality TV for. Reality TV is for watching people get drunk and talk shit about things that don't matter. Next to reading what someone wrote about reality TV, I can't think of a bigger waste of time than reality TV itself.

With that in mind, lets look through this time wasting binder full of women and see if there are any winners shall we?

The equivalent of a visual yawn.
First up is Alissa. She's white, like puppies, and is boring as shit. NEXT!

I'm probably going to refer to her as "The Nutcracker" for the remainder of the season.
Next is Amanda, a white (you're going to notice this as a theme) dancer who wants to one day open her own ballet studio. Honestly, she's pretty boring too. In response to the question "What's the most romantic present you have ever recieved?" Amanda says "A guy once wrote me a beautiful letter expressing his feelings for me. I still have it. He was a creep, but a great writer." First things first Amanda, there is no way you will be able to open that ballet studio. The market just isn't there. Second, why do you still have that letter? Do you enjoy being reminded of the "creeps" from your past? Either you enjoy reminiscing about weirdos, or he wasn't as much of a creep as you say.

Literally one of a kind in this competition.
This is Amber. She is the one black person on this entire show, I assume because there could be cops around and the producers didn't want to risk it. Before you back away from that, I'm making fun of shitty cops. Calm down.

Also she is pretty boring. Her favorite movies are the Lion KingReservoir Dogs, and A Bronx Tale, so I assume she enjoys movies where a lead character is murdered? I dunno. I've got nothing here.

Ashley I.
Now we come to Ashley I, who appears to have just barely missed the casting cut for Jersey Shore. Not only does she look a little crazy, but she's got the answers to back it up. When asked to describe her worst date, Ashley says "I decided to try out being a cougar..." Ok. Stop right there. You are 26. There is no legal way that you were able to try "being a cougar." At 26 the only people you are a "cougar" to would be a 16 year old. For all I know that relationship would be legal in New Jersey (or as I call it, the Alabama of the north) but good lord it's a bad idea. She finishes this dumb answer by saying "...he was sooo immature and had me pay for everything. He was too intimidated to hold a conversation." Well obviously he had you pay, his allowance would never be able to cover drinks at the bar you snuck him into.

Ashley also says that if she wanted to impress a man she would "Make him amazing cheeseburgers and watch football." Just as a tip to Ashley and anyone else thinking that this was a good idea. Don't try to impress someone by doing what they do when hungover. I don't want to date the fry cook at Wendy's, and the reason football is on Sunday is because no one could follow a real plot through an all day hangover. Everyone still gets all day Sunday hangovers right?

Oh God... Am I an alcoholic?

"She cooks as good as she looks"
Ashley S.
Ok. Without looking it up, take a guess as to how old this woman is. If you thought like me that this Stepford Wife could not possibly be under 30 you would be wrong. According to the website, Ashley S is 24, though I suspect that could be in Benjamin Button years. Seriously, there is no way she is only 24. You don't have hair like that without three kids and a successful husband who works late. Then again she says she can't live without lip gloss and her biggest first date fear is having nothing to talk about, so she might not even be that old. She's giving preteen answers from a middle aged woman's body. Maybe she's caught in a Freaky Friday situation? Possibly. Should I have made three movie references in this paragraph alone? Definitely.

This heavily photoshopped picture is of the next contestant, Becca. Her only real point of interest is her weird reverence for dolphins whom she admires for being able to use 20% of their brains, calling them "brilliant!" My only real guess as to what she is talking about, is that Becca is just piling up misinformation from the movies Wedding Crashers and Lucy. Respectively the movies claim that humans use 10% of the brains and dolphins use 20%. Both statements are of course untrue, and good examples of why we shouldn't look to movies for science. That being said, after reading Becca's profile I am not sure she isn't half as intelligent as a dolphin. Maybe there is something to the theory after all.

Becca is also the first of four women to list diarrhea as her biggest first date fear, which is exactly what Chris wrote last year. Watch out everyone, this woman came to play.

The human embodiment of the word "y'all"
It's people like Carly that make me wonder if I am indeed a bad person. Her profile is full of interesting things (she's a cruise ship singer and once acted a an overnight pirate spotter) and yet I have made a snap decision to not like her. Maybe it's that she can't live withouts include mascara and God, neither of which I have a problem with but probably shouldn't be the outspoken focus of your life. Hide that shit under a bushel yo.

Why won't you let me like you?! 
I want to like Bo. I really do. She's a plus size model (which while a completely valid profession, makes me think the producers are really patting themselves on the back for being "inclusive") who was also a top 12 surfer at one point. Bo flat out denied the biggest date fear question and is no nonsense when it comes to approaching men. By nearly all accounts she's awesome. Nearly being the key word in that sentiment. When asked what three people living or dead she would have lunch with, Bo replied "Beyonce, Rihanna, and Mother Theresa. A feast so we would all get down. Food is bonding, and every woman loves food!"

I have so many issues with this.

First off, her name is Teresa, not Theresa. At least know how to spell the names of your heroes. Secondly, I'm not sure a woman granted the title "Blessed" by the Roman Catholic Church who spent her life feeding the poor in pursuit of the afterlife would really "get down" with food, so much as she would be confused as to why she had to be brought back from the dead to sit through a dinner with three other strange women.

Also, can we talk about how strange this selection of women is? Mother Teresa I get. Criticisms aside, she would be a very interesting person to talk to. And obviously you are going to pick Bey. Bey does it all. She sings, dances, is a mother, and looks flawless doing so. But Rihanna? Come on. She gets completely eclipsed by Bey, and unless she's further along the the beatification process than I previously thought, falls short of Teresa too. Get it together Bo.

I love makeup and postmodern literature!
Somewhat the opposite of Carly, Britt's profile is basically a laundry list of things that annoy me. The people she admires most in the world stand up for the beliefs in the face of danger, or as she puts it "That's really living what you talk about." Britt has found a way to say "practice what you preach" only with more words and stupidity. She also says "If I never had to worry, I would be very happy." No shit. If I never had food I would be very hungry. You can't use the definition of a word to make an analogy for the word Britt. Shut up.

But then Britt says that her two favorite authors are David Foster Wallace and Dave Eggers. Let that sink in. Either she panicked and Googled "Famous Authors Dav..." or she actually knows these two literary all-stars. I won't go so far as to consider the possibility that she has read either one, but by this show's standards knowing the names of any two authors put you at the top of the non-existent class.

A slightly prettier Macho Man Randy Savage
Brittany is the piece de resistance of this entire post, and for one very good reason. She is a WWE Diva in Training. Look, we could beat around the bush here with me making some dumb jokes about professional wrestling and writing Brittany off, but I'm not going to do that. You know why? Because if producers play their cards right this could be the most entertaining contestant in Bachelor history. I'm putting money down now. Brittany (Devin Taylor is her WWE name) will step out of the limo on the first night wearing a luchador mask and deliver a promo burying the other contestants. At the very least she needs her own ring announcer. And before you say this will never happen, just remember that last season a guy met Andi carrying a lamp he stole from a hotel. Not so weird now is it?

Well that's about it for contestants A-C. I am stupidly excited to share this season with you fine folks. I'll have another 10 contestants for you soon.

Much love.

Gossip Squirrel

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