Monday, December 22, 2014

Thirty Single Ladies! (21-30)

Welcome back! It's almost as if the alphabet saved the best for last, because these ten women were way to much fun to write about. Enjoy!

I'd bring her to Family Home Evening if you know what I mean.
First up is Michelle, a 25 year old Wedding Cake Decorator from Provo, Utah who loves family and religion. I don't think it would be out of line to assume she is probably Mormon since 60% of that state is LDS and her shoulders are covered. Assuming Michelle is Mormon, I am a little worried for her to be on a show like this though. Won't she be confused when they start voting people off? Marriage is between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman. Monogomy might prove to be confusing.

Michelle's ultimate date answer is a little extreme as well. In her words, "A surprise trip to Waikoloa (Hawaii), a luau, a helicopter ride over volcanoes, and watch the sunset on the beach." Props for knowing what you want I suppose but criminitly that is asking for a lot. Aren't you supposed to just smile and say something like "A nice night in with my man watching movies and cuddling?" Come on Michelle, why aren't you fitting into the mold of easy to please women that this show seems to revere? Get with the program

Despite her ultimate date, Michelle really falls flat when asked how she would impress a man. "Laugh at his joke to make him feel funny, and ask him questions about himself to make him feel special and show I'm interested." All that is going to do is make the man impressed with himself, not with you for laughing. That's like going to a comedy club and congratulating the audience for understanding jokes.

Gone after week 1. I guarantee it.
Nicole, like many women on this show, has just one weird thing about her amid a series of nice/boring answers. In Nicole's case she thinks that wolves are magical. It's not like context really changes the answer either, because when asked what animal she would be she says "A wolf. They are magical and bad-ass creatures." Badass sure, but magical? A Balrog is magical. A Minotaur is magical. But a wolf? A wolf is about as magical as a fart. I like them both and in the right situation they can be fearsome, but neither is magical.

If I am putting money on any one woman to win this competition (assuming that "winning" is the correct verbiage for a show like this) it's Nikki. Not only is she a near mirror image of Andi Dorfman, the woman who Chris was competing for the affections of last season, but her job is listed as "former cheerleader" much like the previous season's "winner" Josh. Look, I said it before and I'll say it again. "Former-anything" is not a job. It is specifically the lack of a job. Plus she was a cheerleader for the Jets. What was she even cheering about? That one Superbowl back in 1968? Her's isn't even a good former job.

Fox News found their new anchor.
Reegan might just be the most interesting person on this show. For starters she freaks me out. Reegan has the steely demeanor and intimidating good looks of a high school bully or Amanda Peet from Saving Silverman. I can't even make eye contact with her picture for fear of falling under some siren song. Just take my lunch money.

Oh, did I mention that Reegan's occupation is "Cadaver Tissue Saleswoman?" Probably not. That seems like a thing you would have remembered. Anyways, I really don't know what a saleswoman of that sort does. My first impression is that she works on the black market selling back alley spleens, but announcing that on a show like The Bachelor seems a little too revealing. Then again this show has never been one for subtlety. I for one welcome back alley Reegan and her cooler full of organs!

I'll be honest, the cadaver tissue stuff is fun if not a little gross to think about, but it pales in comparison to this next segment. In a lot of ways, Reegan is basically the personification of the 1950's American dream. She thinks it is the job of a man to approach a woman and her favorite animal is an eagle because "they are strong and beautiful and represent the greatest country." Fuck yeah they do Reegan. USA! USA! USA! God damn. Reading this profile is like the ends of Mighty Ducks 2 and Rocky IV rolled together. I want to jump a dirt bike through a ring of Flamin' Hot Cheetos and into a vat of Dr. Pepper. America all day.

But then I come to the end of Reegan's profile and am of course reminded of why the 1950's weren't as great as people say. When asked how she would impress a man Reegan responds "I'd keep my mouth shut :) Seriously." How is this still a thing? It sincerely confuses me that people, specifically women, like this still exist in the world. You have so much interesting shit going for you Reegan, and you think the one thing you can do to impress a man is "keep your mouth shut." How about instead you go full America, tell everyone who you are and what you are all about and if they don't like it they can fuck off? That's some real America right there.

At least she doesn't have hands on hips.
Considerably less patriotic, though still insane, is Samantha. Like most women on the show and in life, Samantha values her family's approval above all in her dating life. However unlike most women, Samantha believes that when you marry someone "you are also marrying their family." I really hope that she meant "marrying into their family" because otherwise that's a dumb statement. In no way is marrying someone like marrying their family. You know what it is like? It's like having in-laws, which if 1980's standup comedy taught me anything, is a constant source of frustration and hilarity. Seriously, enough with the self-righteous hyperbole. You're getting married not joining a cult.

Sweet Dee?
Tandara likes music. What kinds of music you might ask? Well as it turns out all kinds! "I love blues, rock, pop, oldies, country, and jazz. I even listen to some French rock!" French rock?! Can you imagine anything so fanciful? I bet the necks of their guitars are just baguettes with strings attached! Oh Tandra, only your many-wrinkled brain could comprehend such wacky world music. What an interesting person you must be!

That may have been harsh, but come on. No one likes "all kinds" of music. If you think that you do, go listen to Captain Beefheart, Toby Keith, and Pantera. Then look me in the eye and tell me that you enjoyed all three. I dare you.

All about that bass.
Tara is a "Sport Fishing Enthusiast" which is not an occupation my brain can actively comprehend while still remembering to breathe. Much like "cadaver tissue saleswoman" I don't know what a "sport fishing enthusiast" is. If she was a sport fishing competitor I would understand, but "sport fishing enthusiast" sounds like she's a cheerleader for the concept of fishing. Again, I just don't know what this is.

I would not be doing my unpaid job as a reality TV blogger (never going on a resume) if I didn't at least point out that Tara's definition of marriage is "legal documentation." On one hand, this is probably the most "correct" answer a person could give. Technically that is all that marriage is. On the other hand, she's a sport fishing enthusiast so I'm not exactly going to turn to her for any matters of the heart. I just haven't sunk that low yet.

 Looks a lot like Michelle Bachman.
When asked if she was a "romantic" Tracy responded "I'd like to be a romantic but I haven't found a guy who'd be into that!" That's not how being things works Tracy. You don't become a romantic simply because a guy who is "into that" happens to come around. You become a romantic as a response to the hardline rationalization and logical thinking that preceded you during the Age of Enlightenment and as an outlet to recognize emotion as a legitimate source of experience. Didn't you know that Tracy?

 Reminds me of Lacy
Christrina (I assume that is what Trina is short for) is trying too hard to be cutesy, or at least not thinking through her answers. If she could be any fruit or vegetable, she would be a coconut because "No one would ever eat me! I would smell and taste delicious too! And I'd have lots of health benefits to offer." If you were asking yourself what the point of being delicious and offering health benefits was if no one can eat you, then we are in the same boat. If you were not asking yourself that, then why not? Pay attention.

Christina's biggest date fear is "eating something that gives me "di-di." No. Fuck you. Fuck. You. The only reason to write out "di-di" is because you can't spell "diarrhea." Cutesy-ing up bodily functions just makes them horrifying. Plus you're 33 years old. No one should say "di-di" after the age of five. Start using more evolved terms like "assquake," "Hershey squirts," "The back door trots," or "the runs." I'm just trying to help out here.

You get me Whitney.
I hope Whitney stays on the show for quite a while, if for no other reason that her biggest fear is "being alone." Fucking A Whitney, I get it. We've all been there. But simply "being" with someone isn't a solution to that problem, in large part because you will always be incomplete without them. Everyone has done that to some variation and it sucks. If I had a nickel for every time between ages 16-25 that a relationship ended and I thought I would die alone, I would have a handful of very depressing nickels. Hopefully Whitney is only overstating here, and not actually defining herself through The Bachelor. That would be really depressing.

Honestly, these 30 women's profiles were largely the same. There's a lot of "I don't like it when my date is disengaged" and "I like it when my date acts chivalrous" throughout these answers. In several cases I was really scrounging to come up with any interesting spin at all. I'm not sure if I want to blame the women for being boring, or ABC for asking shitty questions, but needless to say I must blame someone. I simple must. Because this is a blog and I must be mad. How else would anyone know how interesting I am?

Much love,

Gossip Squirrel

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