Monday, December 15, 2014

Thirty Single Ladies! (11-20)

At a certain point, looking through these bios of ostensibly identical women begins to feel a lot like Groundhog Day, as it becomes easier and easier to predict a contestant's answers with each passing biography. Realistically this makes sense, seeing as these women were all culled from the herd due to their potential compatibility with one man who likely is interested in the same types of women. But hours of staring at hand-on-hipped women leaves me honestly disoriented about who is who and why I should care. Specifically the latter.

No joke about that hands on hips thing. There are no less than fourteen hands spread out over these ten women's hips. Why is this such a popular stance? I suppose it looks more casual than crossing them over your chest or holding them at your side, but I don't remember that many guys from last season standing like this. Maybe its a boobs thing? Is a hand on your hip supposed to make them look better or something? Crap. I've turned into a creep with how I am staring at these pictures now.

If it's any consolation, at least I'm a self-aware creep. Let's get started.

Might actually be a real person.
Jade actually seems like a really cool person. She's working towards starting her own business, seems pragmatic, and loves Jane Eyre. Jade also uses the words "altruism" and "matriarchy" correctly in a sentence, something many women on the show could not do, or at least choose not to do because I don't know why. There is definitely a women's studies major who could explain why much better and more aggressively than myself.

Honestly I don't know why Jade is on this show. My only real guess is that she will be "accused" by another woman of being a feminist and then forced to claim that she is not, which will ultimately become the first rage induced bloody nose of this season for me.

But until then, rock on Jade. Don't let me down.

Don't worry. She still has both ears.
Jillian seems nice enough. Her answers are par for the course up until the moment she is asked  what her biggest date fear is, namely "A guy with bad intentions." I think by this she means rapists? I'm not sure what else "bad intentions" would mean in that scenario. Rapists are a perfectly valid fear I guess, though that seems non-exclusive to dates. Oh Jesus, just writing that made me realize all over again how fucking scary it must be to live as a woman.

Also, Jillian lists her most outrageous thing ever done as being the time when she "let Mike Tyson feel my bicep," so clearly she isn't that afraid of rapists.

Like a vodka commercial came to life.
Keep an eye on Jordan, because some shit is going to go down with/around her. She once "jumped off the back of a boat naked in the British Virgin Islands and then was a bartender while the real one took a nap." Also, if given the option to be another person for a day, Jordan would be Britney Spears because she is "awesome." Those are two bad decisions in a row and if you know anything about rules and comedy, you know there is a third one coming that will also be the best.

When asked how she would impress a man, Jordan says "Give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more." My guess is that she has confused the word "impress" with "give a boner to" because men aren't generally "impressed" by sexy dancing. It just isn't a thing most men have ever looked at and thought "Wow, look at how she is dancing. That's quite impressive." I'm not even sure what kind of sexy dancing would be considered impressive as opposed to purely erotic? Cirque du Soleil? It's not exactly sexy, but it's the closest thing I can think of. Oh and as a side note to Jordan, you probably don't have to dance for a guy to want to sleep with you. You can just ask for sex and we will probably say yes. That's pretty much all it takes.

Far and away Juelia (whose parents I assume were high during the naming process) has the grossest date fear, namely "long periods..." That's not appropriate Juelia. I get that it is a natural process and all, but so is vomiting and I wouldn't bring that up in conversation on a date. Also, how long are your periods that they are a constant looming threat to your dating life? At what point... oh wait... I just realized something. I forgot to read the rest of her answer. It actually says "long periods of silence." My bad. I really should learn to read entire sentences before writing about them. Just ignore everything I wrote before. Got distracted by periods.

Juelia does however have a legitimately shitty worst date story. "The guy took me to dinner, then refused to eat dinner, and then told me he couldn't believe I ate my whole dinner." Poor storytelling aside, that sounds pretty terrible. My sympathies to Juelia and condemnation to that asshole of a date.

 I bet she could put together a decent comedy special.
Kaitlyn is actually pretty funny, which is something I don't often see or even expect on a show like this. For example, if she won the lottery she would "buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland." Assuming she is thinking more Pirates of the Caribbean and less Somalia, that should at least make you crack a smile. If not you might be dead inside.

She also would approach a man for the first time by walking up and = saying "Good, and you?" which has just enough awkward humor and social anarchy for me to really get behind. I hope this one sticks around for a bit.

Nothing about this is ok.
This is a weird shirt right? I mean what is happening here? Those puffy sleeves seem pointless at best, and ill-conceived at worst. That visually confusing leopard print should be kept on leopards too. Unless you are stalking an ibex from the brush or snorting cocaine off a nightclub toilet seat in 1983, don't bother with that gross pattern.

Oh. This is Kara. She likes Mountain Dew and is afraid of sweating on a first date.

Seriously though. That shirt...

Even cuter than most cartoon mice. 
Kelsey is cute as shit. Her can't live withouts are "Hope, love optimism, creativity, and Chapstick" which I am sure could easily be a slogan for Chapstick's next ad campaign. At 28, she is one of the older women in this competition which is really odd considering that Chris is 33. Why aren't there more age appropriate women on this show ABC? And why aren't there more mousey/adorable ones like Kelsey here?

Next season on Real Housewives of Iowa City...
Kimberly figuratively has stereotypical trophy wife written all over her.  She can't live without makeup, loves dressing up, and has the life goal of never having to think about money. Whatever makes you happy I suppose, but I'm not sure Chris is a good target for trophy wife-ing. From the looks of his farm last season Chris is doing well for himself but no matter how rich he is, he is still living in Iowa.  Doesn't sound like an ideal place to be a trophy wife . It's hard to consistently show off how rich you are to the 15 other people in town and really get a thrill out of it.

Explains why teeth cleaning is so fucking painful
Mackenzie is a dental assistant from Maple Valley, Washington who seems pretty similar to everyone else here. She hates getting shots and loves driving her car, though I expect that is because she lives in Maple Valley and hasn't been stuck in traffic before. She's also only 21 which caught me off guard because that's a pretty significant age gap between her and Chris, but also how do you become a dental assistant so young? Don't you need to graduate college first for that shit? I really hope the person cleaning my teeth has been to at least some college. Maybe she graduated early? I'm not sure why this is such a sticking point for me. It just seems like people working in the medical field should have to go to college first.

"Nice pose Meagan, but do you think you could try sticking out your chest a little further?"
Meagan, like most of the women in this post, is very ok. Nothing too interesting here. If she could be any animal she would be a lion "because they are leaders." I'm not entirely sure that is accurate, mostly because if all lions are leaders then who are they leading? Certainly not lions, they are all already the leaders. Other animals? The Serengeti doesn't seem to have a preexisting bureaucratic structure to support that kind of top down animal leadership. Though it has been a while since I last watched Planet Earth so I could be wrong.

I gotta say, these women were all very uninteresting for the most part. There were a few that stood out here and there, but it generally felt like I was reading the same thing again and again. At a certain point, looking through the bios of ostensibly identical women begins to feel a lot like Groundhog Day.

Much Love,

Gossip Squirrel

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