Monday, January 12, 2015

Episode 2: I Hate McDonald's

Alright, I'll just be upfront. This has been kind of a shitty week. Between a sudden onset of harsh winter weather, excessive work stress (yes I have a real job), and several childish dickheads shooting up a French satirical magazine, I wasn't quite sure where my mind would be at going into this week's episode. Honestly I was surprised to find myself rather enjoying the beginning half hour of the show, until I saw something so heinous that my entire viewing experience was soured irrevocably for the remainder of the show.

Have you seen this fucking McDonald's ad?

Anything titled "Signs" is bound to be terrible

Fuck you McDonalds. Fuck you forever. I literally could not care less that your corporate structure simultaneously shows both a basic level of human decency and pandering in a minute long clip. Posting signs like "Thank you troops" or "God protect the USA" does not nearly display the courage that the commercial's accompanying music suggests. Rather it panders to the lowest common denominator of sentiment that the average person could not possibly disagree with. Intellectually speaking, they are scraping the bottom of the barrel (much like they do with their meat) to gather any base thoughts that seem nice but ultimately mean nothing. It's an action that I would not have minded before seeing this self-aggrandizing commercial and cannot stand after. Show me one sign that actually takes a stand against even the most radical hate groups. Show me one "Je Suis Charlie" one "Black Lives Matter" or even one "The KKK Is Bad" sign and I'll take it all back. You can't because that doesn't exist. Fuck I hate this commercial.

 Easily my favorite cartoon in history.

Ok. Deep breath. Calm. Gotta write about the show. Go to your happy place. You can do this.

This week's episode of The Bachelor opens at the end of last week's rose ceremony with a situation that I had completely forgotten about. Previously voted off Kimberly comes back into the mansion to plead with Chris for a second chance at the show, claiming she hadn't had enough of a chance to get to know him. After talking with Chris Harrison (the show's Imperial Wizard) Chris Soules decides to let Kimberly stay for another week. Somewhat confusingly, Host Chris tells Bachelor Chris that "This is your life, there are no rules." Are you kidding me? There are some pretty basic rules. The show's very structure implies a social contract to which Chris and every woman has agreed. Why not just keep them all and open a brothel? There's a very specific reason why not. RULES.

Oh. Chris keeps Kimberly around. Not that it ultimately matters.

Chaos reigns! 

Cut to the first group date which sees a gaggle of women trying to drive tractors through downtown LA. Chris referred to this as "bringing a little bit of country to the city" but from what I hear, slow moving traffic is pretty common to LA. And with that, I would like to take a bow for the best "Dad Joke" I have ever made. Thank you all, it's been a honor.

Anyways, Ashley I wins the tractor drag race and gets a short one on one with Chis. This is of course cut short when Chris abandons her and the rest of the women for Mackenzie so he can have a one on one with her. Dang, maybe their are no rules. Even societal norms would dictate that it's rude as shit to stand up five women to hang out with one. But hey, this is The Bachelor! There are no rules!

Only a few notes on the Chris and Mackenzie date. First, she's 21 and he is 33 so she doesn't pass the "Half your age plus seven" rule. I'm sincerely not passing judgement. It's just a thing to take into consideration. Second, why did we not get more alien talk? Mackenzie clearly asked Chris if he believed in aliens, he said no, and the conversation ended. How do you not follow up in great detail about that? The only way a person asks about aliens on the first date is if they have seen one. Come on Chris, you have to find out if her child was delivered by aliens!

I have to wonder if this is what she meant.

Back at the house, the women ask Juelia about her dead husband. It's the kind of question that is always asked too cavalierly and too soon. In true ABC style, the tragedy of Juelia's life is paraded before America so we can take part in her tragedy. I've fleshed this out in the past so I'll refrain from doing so here, but her personal life is her own and it's gross to film it.

The next date, and I do not throw this term around loosely, was completely rad. Chris and Meagan went on a helicopter tour and picnic in THE GRAND FUCKING CANYON. That is so cool (and without eccentric activities) I can't believe it was orchestrated by The Bachelor. I have nothing to say on this but congratulations on a job well done. 

You've done it ABC! A non-terrible segment!

The second group date is announced to the women via a card delivered to their house that read "Til Death Do Us Part." All I wanted out of this date was a simple mortuary visit where the women had to prepare a cadaver. But much to my surprise (and joy) they were not preparing cadavers so much as they were creating them with a zombie paintball hunt. THIS WAS SO COOL. Are you trying to make me a fan ABC? Because if so it's working.

Now if you've seen the episode you know who I'm going to talk about, but before I get there I have to address one thing Chris said. Prior to the women's Walking Dead paintball experience, they pulled up to the lot in a limo and were fake attacked by fake zombies. Immediately afraid and panicking from this, all of the women (except Ashley S) lost their minds. After sticking his own head in for the final scare, Chris said to the camera "I can't wait to see how the women react in this element." 

Ok look, I'm no fool. That was most likely an editor's decision to make it seem like Chris was talking about the events to come. Problem is, it didn't seem like that. It looked as if Chris wanted to see these women in a true state of fear. I don't believe this was actually the case, but the editors could have done a better job in driving this point home. Though frankly for all I know fear was the point of the entire date. If so, what they aren't considering is that zombie paintball has to be expensive. If he really wanted to see women reacting in fear he could have just sent them to a Bill Cosby show or an FSU football game.

Ask me about why I hate this guy sometime. I've got a laundry list.

Back at the house, Jordan gets drunk and does a handstand. While inverted, she talks about Jillian's probable hairy butthole. These are just the facts. I really can't add anything more to this. 

Wait. I can. Reread that and look at Bill Cosby's fucking face. It's way funnier.

Ok. I promised it and here we go, the saga of Ashley S. I'm still not sure if she's a savant style genius, intentional plant to make the show weird, or actual mentally handicapped person. I genuinely don't know. She was the only one to not react during the limo's fake zombie attack. She also walked straight into a horde of zombies during the paintball fight, either assuming there was no way the zombies would actually attack her on a show like this or that she was a literal Rambo, incapable of death. Ashley also put a bullet in the brain of dead zombies which is a genuinely pragmatic approach to zombie killing until you realize that these are actors being paid to get shot on national TV. At this point I don't know who to feel bad for.

It's a real Sophia's Choice.

The final cocktail part is pretty standard. Chris and Britt continue to be cuter than anything I've ever seen in my life, Whitney  gives Chris a bottle of whiskey, and he kisses figuratively everyone on the show. No joke, Chris Soules is like an animal shelter employee. He can't stop kissing bitches. 

I stand by that terrible joke.

Also Ashley I is a virgin, which becomes a huge deal after Mackenzie says "guys like taking virginity." No we don't. At least I hope we don't. If there is a guy obsessed with taking virginity he's probably the biggest weirdo you've ever met. That's gross and is placing too much value on a non-existent thing. I don't even like typing about it. 

Not even this virgin is worth mentioning.

The rose ceremony was relatively uneventful. Alissa and Tandra left, which came as a shock to me only because I forgot they were on the show. Jordan seemed too drunk to function so her departure was also ok. The second leaving of Kimberly was rough only because she had done it once before and failed once before. Unfortunately she didn't seem to show any real reason as to why she should stay, so the boot was totally appropriate. However she did say "Oh that was brutal," during her exit interview. Thanks for the plug Kimberly!

And then we come to Tara, the sport fishing enthusiast herself. Tara has been down on herself the entire show. Even while leaving she said "I don't know why I'm not used to this yet," in reference to being broken up with. Tara, you can't be surprised when people don't want to hang around a sad sack like you. Complaining about people not liking you is a surefire way to make sure people don't like you. Pull your shit together because you are the first Bachelor contestant I've seen in some time that I'm glad to see gone.

Much Love,

Gossip Squirrel

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