Surprisingly not starring Whoopi Goldberg.
Kaitlyn receives the first solo date, which she and Chris are led to believe will be at a fancy club of sorts. However, thanks to Kimmel, the two will be shopping at Costco or as I call it, Pretentious Walmart. Unaware of the surprise, the two pull up in a limo drinking champagne. I'm sure this wasn't the first time someone had been drunk in that Costco on that day, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Don't you dare try to tell me they weren't drunk either. No one gets that rowdy in a big-box retail store without at least a little buzz. I'm sure the employees and mothers in the store appreciated Kaitlyn and Chris rolling around in a giant inflatable ball being pushed around by children. There's no way that could be considered inappropriate...
The Costco debacle was, of course, in preparation for the second half of the date, in which Kaitlyn and Chris would be preparing dinner for themselves and Jimmy Kimmel. Again Kimmel was the best, and there isn’t any contestant I would
rather watch on this show than Kaitlyn, mostly because she’s fucking funny.
Soules, on the other hand can hardly keep up with the two and primarily resorts
to making fun of Kimmel. Who does that? Makes fun of TV personalities in an
attempt to get the attention of others? That’s low…
In the end we see Amber, Tracy, and ChrisTrina voted off. Amber was the only one of the three I actually remembered, and as luck would have it I have a bit of a scoop on her. Well not me so much as a mystery reporter we'll call Rachel. Mostly I'm calling her that because it's her name. Anyways, Rachel ran into Amber at a bar in Chicago and wrote down this delightful text message. Enjoy!
"This is Amber, one of the Bachelor contestants. She watched tonight's episode with us, and as you can see from this picture, all she did was make sassy comments like everyone else who watches the show. Every time Chris came on the screen she yelled at him "you are SO BORING," and every time Kelsey came on she yelled "NOBODY LIKES YOU." And even though it showed her crying when she got kicked off, I guess she told Chris "I've had more chemistry with a one night stand," when she was saying bye to him. Why the producers would ever cut that sassy line is beyond me. She is so much more badass and skinny than portrayed on the show."
Yes Please.
Back at the house, Jillian is working out and getting made fun of
for some reason by Mackenzie. I’d assume this is because 21-year-old Mackenzie
is basically a child compared to most of these women, but who can say for sure? Maybe she's just an asshole.
I am interested in why Jillian’s shorts and bikini bottoms are
constantly being censored though. Either all of her clothes are crotch less, or
she has the word “Fuck” tattooed across her butt. I sincerely hope it’s the
latter. Were you imagining “FU” on the left cheek and “CK” on the right? That’s
how I was picturing it.
I googled "butt tattoo." It did not go well
The group date (unsurprisingly) was farm themed. The contestants were required to complete a
relay race consisting of (surprisingly) enjoyable events including milking a
goat, drinking said milk, and catching a greased pigs. All of this was set to
public domain Garage Band loops of banjo music. If farmers were a race of
people, I would call this racist because the stereotypes were positively
overflowing. But since they’re nothing more than the people who feed the world,
I’ll let it slide.
Far and away, my favorite segment from the relay race was the milk
chugging. First off, the winner of the event was Carly, who may or may not be
allergic to dairy. That’s true dedication to something stupid and I should know; I write this blog. Second, the contestant’s comments and visuals were so double
entendre laden that you couldn’t be more innocently suggestive if you tried. I’ll
just list a few and let them speak for themselves.
“It’s like a full 8 ounces of warm thick milk.”
“It’s salty and warm.”
“It’s not something I like in my mouth.
The best kind of innuendo.
Once that ridiculous sideshow was over we saw the second half of
the group date. Carly kissed Chris after using the line, “You’re a man and I’m a
woman,” which isn’t really a good reason to kiss someone. That’s how sexual assault happens. Amber also kissed Chris after slow dancing which was cute. In
fact practically everyone kissed Chris, which for some reason was a big deal to
Mackenzie. Apparently a little drunk, she asked Chris why he was kissing so
many other women, to which his response only could have been “Because this is The Bachelor and I look like this?”
Seriously, this should not have come as a surprise to her.
The date rose went to Becca; the only woman who didn’t kiss Chris.
I like that. Not because of any moral or sexual code, but because it’s nice to
see the introverts win for a change.
Not sure why this guy is sad. This is practically my dream.
The final solo date went to Whitney. Going into this event, I
really didn’t think much of Whitney. Not out of any ill will, but simply
because I hadn’t seen enough to give a shit. However, coming out of this date,
she’s one of my new favorites. We’ll get to why I like her so much in a second,
but the long and short of the date is that the two went to a winery and then
decided to crash a wedding. Obviously there are questions about the legitimacy
of this wedding crash, in large part due to the producers being able to get
surprisingly good shots and a majority of the wedding guests having unblurred
faces. If it’s not a set up, they managed to be very sneaky and get a lot of
signatures is all I’m saying.
So let's talk about Whitney and the date itself. First off, Chris
is completely useless when it comes to improv or thinking quickly. His answer
for the question, “how do you know the couple?” was to ask “Who?” That’s not
even pretending to belong at the wedding Chris. You’re one step short of saying
“Oh I don’t know them. I’m just pretending to because this woman next to me is
pretty and you’re all on a TV show.” Not great. Whitney on the other hand was
quick on her feet, fun, and all around perfect on the date. It was nice to see
at the end that Chris was as infatuated with her as I was.
This stupid emoji is basically me.
Back at the house, Jimmy Kimmel announces that there will be no
cocktail party tonight but instead a pool party. So basically the same thing.
During the party, Juelia describes her husband’s suicide in detail to Chris
under the guise of being honest. I’ve talked about emotional ploys like these
before, so I’ll keep this brief. This probably isn’t the best venue for the two
of them to discuss such a personal issue, however it also brings to light an
under discussed topic in mental health. The utilitarian part of me thinks this
could be good for society to hear stories like this while the deontological
side of me thinks this is categorically wrong. Meanwhile, the philosophy major
in my wants to prove that I learned some big words while in college.
The only other noteworthy event was Ashley I having a drunken
meltdown because Jillian wouldn’t stop talking to Chris. Her argument’s basis
was “I let her have time with Chris, so she should let me have time with Chris.” Of
course she never actually says that to Jillian, but instead cries into a camera
and storms off. If anyone was looking for an example of why passive aggressive behavior
does not work, I would suggest rewatching this show.
Ultimately, Ashley I drunkenly complains about
the situation to Chris who seems very confused. Not confused enough to avoid
making out with this hot mess, but confused nonetheless. I’m going to be
honest, Ashley I is my least favorite contestant since Kalon from Bachelor in
Paradise. Just terrible people all around.
This fucking guy...
In the end we see Amber, Tracy, and ChrisTrina voted off. Amber was the only one of the three I actually remembered, and as luck would have it I have a bit of a scoop on her. Well not me so much as a mystery reporter we'll call Rachel. Mostly I'm calling her that because it's her name. Anyways, Rachel ran into Amber at a bar in Chicago and wrote down this delightful text message. Enjoy!
"This is Amber, one of the Bachelor contestants. She watched tonight's episode with us, and as you can see from this picture, all she did was make sassy comments like everyone else who watches the show. Every time Chris came on the screen she yelled at him "you are SO BORING," and every time Kelsey came on she yelled "NOBODY LIKES YOU." And even though it showed her crying when she got kicked off, I guess she told Chris "I've had more chemistry with a one night stand," when she was saying bye to him. Why the producers would ever cut that sassy line is beyond me. She is so much more badass and skinny than portrayed on the show."
Exactly as sassy as I want her to be,
A lot was made in the first date of Chris and Kaitlyn having a
"normal" date. While this is a nice sentiment, I don't think it's
entirely accurate. There are of course the obvious “non-normal” factors like
cameras, the pressure of being on a reality TV show, and the presence of a late
night host, which make this an unusual experience. These are all ancillary to
the overarching point that first dates themselves are not normal, statistically
or otherwise. For Chris and Kaitlyn to suggest that this date is “normal”
because they are physically doing the sorts of things that couples do is
entirely shortchanging what it means to be in an actual relationship. At this
point, they are just playing house, faking a legitimate relationship instead of
trying to forge anything lasting or meaningful. I would assume they’re doing
this because it makes for much better TV. If that is the case, job well done.
Much love,
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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