Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Episode 2: Why did I do this again?

One hour episodes of The Bachelorette are THE BEST. The show moves much more quickly and I get to go to bed before 1AM, which is huge. You don't know true embarrassment until you have to explain to your boss that you can barely stay awake at work because you were writing a blog about The Bachelorette.

You're a grown man and you're doing what with your life?

Tonight's continuation of The Bachelorette premiere began with Chris Harrison revealing to Britt that she would not be the next bachelorette. Britt, of course, was gracious in her defeat and made me feel bad for her, at least for a while. She seemed genuinely disappointed, not just to lose her chance to be the center of attention, but also to miss out on meeting the rest of the guys. However, my sympathy only lasted so long and once she began blubbering incoherently it disappeared entirely. I tried to write down what she said, but the best I could do was "(sobbing sobbing sobbing) time is right (sobbing sobbing sobbing." Most contestants don't bother me when they're crying, but Britt's tears create an unquenchable rage inside me. Maybe it's her own self-importance, or maybe I'm just an asshole.

Chris Harrison then goes on to tell Kaitlyn that she will be the next bachelorette. She is ecstatic, even saying "I'm gonna throw up." Luckily for all the emetophobes out there, this doesn't happen. Chris, trying to restore any semblance of decorum, tells Kaitlyn "The rest of this journey is about you finding true love, and I will do everything in my power to help you along the way." Tone it down, Chris. This is The Bachelorette, not a Jane Austen novel.

To be honest, both are terrible.

Kaitlyn is then introduced to the guys, who applaud her election as the bachelorette. The sudden realization that there will be a rose ceremony kicks in, and a mad scramble to spend time with Kaitlyn ensues. For the most part, the conversations were nice and Kaitlyn seemed to hit it off with multiple guys. My favorite of the night was Joshua, who gave her a metal rose he had welded in his shop. If it wasn't for Shawn E's good looks, this gesture alone should have won Joshua the first impression rose.

Not to be outdone by Chris Soules last season, Kaitlyn kissed both Chris and Shawn B. For Shawn B, this resulted in receiving the first impression rose, and I can't say it was the wrong decision. He looks like Ryan Gosling genuinely seems like a nice guy. Shawn does need to get a better fitting shirt though. His shirt buttons were holding on for dear life every time he sat down.

Throughout the night, the men who voted for Kaitlyn continuously voiced their concerns about her keeping the men who voted for Britt. While I get what they're saying, it doesn't seem outlandish for the Britt supporters to stay on the show considering that both women are practically strangers. It's not like any of the men actually know either woman, so to suggest half the group leave due to first impressions seems a bit hasty. Also, that's not how a democracy works. If it were, Canada would have been overrun by Evangelical Christians back in 2008.


The rose ceremony saw Bradley, David, Josh, and Shawn E go, none of whom will be missed. As I called it last week, Brady opted to leave in favor of pursuing Britt. I hope the two have a happy relationship filled with unintelligible mumbling and sweeping statements about love.

If the closing video package is any indication, this season will be a beautiful train wreck filled with sex, violence, and the return of Nick V! I can't wait.

I'll see you next time,

Gossip Squirrel

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