The Bachelor in Paradise finale is here. 18 hours of drunk, emotionally unstable women trying to win the love of drunk, man-children finally came to an end last night, and it couldn’t have come soon enough. I realize that this show has only been on the air for six weeks, but I can no longer remember what life was like before Bachelor in Paradise. If Chris Harrison asked me to drop everything and join his cult, I wouldn’t hesitate.
Try not to stare into his eyes, lest you fall under his spell.
Since Carly’s breakup and departure, everyone in Paradise has begun questioning their own relationships. “Kirk and Carly were boyfriend and girlfriend,” Tenley says in her best serious voice, “She thought she was going to be marrying this guy.” Tenley says this like it isn’t crazy to assume you’ll be marrying someone after knowing them less than five weeks.
In this final week, couples will each have a one on one date with an optional fantasy suite. The first couple is Nick and Samantha. They seem like less of a couple and more like two people who just happen to be in a room together. For a couple that has been talking for three months prior to meeting each other, you’d think they have more to say. After two minutes of painful silences, Nick and Samantha decide to take advantage of their fantasy suite. How anything these two have qualifies as a legitimate relationship is beyond me.
They're like an old couple who just enjoys the company.
The next date was Justin and Cassandra. As a mother, Cassandra is worried about the potential fantasy suite, because finding footage of your mom talking about fucking a guy she just met is how serial killers are made. Justin understands her concerns and forgoes the fantasy suite for fear of becoming her son’s first victim.
The most depressing date of the night was Tenley and Joshua. They are infatuated with each other, but Tenley has concerns about how this will work in the real world. The two live 1,000 miles apart and lead drastically different lives. As she sees it, there is no chance for a relationship outside of Paradise. Joshua is convinced they can find a way to make it work, but he is also known for being a big dumb oaf who has never been in love before. God, this is going to be like watching someone put down a puppy.
Don't worry boy. It'll all be over soon.
Finally, we see a brief recap of power couple, Jade and Tanner’s date. Tanner says that he loves her, and Jade says the same to him. The two retreat to their suite for the night. There's nothing particularly funny or interesting about that, but what did you expect? Real couples aren't that entertaining.
Our four couples return to Paradise the next morning, and everyone is pleased with how their overnight dates went. Sensing happiness and the need to snuff it out, Chris Harrison appears to prepare everyone for the final rose ceremony of the season. “Giving a rose today means you are committed to a life together outside of Paradise,” he says, “Marriage, kids, the whole thing.” Obviously those roses mean literally nothing once everyone leaves Paradise, but does Chris Harrison seem like more of an overbearing mother than usual? He’s taken the rose significance from “Keep dating after Paradise,” to “Give me Bachelor grandkids now!”
"Please just have kids so we can legitimize this show."
The rose ceremony begins with Justin and Cassandra. They each accept each other’s roses and leave Paradise. Once they get home, they will no doubt lie to their children about who this strange new stepparent is and what they have been doing for the past five weeks.
Nick and Samantha also accept each other’s rose. Nick tells her, “I’ve prayed so long to meet a woman with the qualities you have, and you’re so beautiful.” As he and Samantha walk along the beach, he says “I’ve not only been extremely physically attracted to her but she has so many qualities that I’m looking for.” Name one of those qualities, Nick. I defy you to name one thing you like about Samantha beyond “hotness.” I know you can’t do that, because no one can do that. Samantha is completely one-dimensional.
Also, Nick wore sandals and dress pants. Who let that happen?
Joshua and Tenley are next. Despite everything Tenley has said, Joshua still offers her his rose. As much as she loves and respects Joshua, Tenley cannot accept his rose and drag out the inevitable. Joshua seemed resigned to this fact and didn’t say a word from the beach to their cars. The two leave Paradise depressed, but still on good terms.
The final rose ceremony was Tanner and Jade’s. Obviously the previews spoiled what was going to happen here. Jade gives a Tanner a rose after a moving speech chronicling her love for him. Tanner, in turn, does not give Jade a rose, but instead a ring because, “what we have is worth so much more than a rose.” He then proposes while Chris Harrison is behind the scenes losing his mind at the idea of anything being more valuable than roses.
That does it for this season of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s been occasionally frustrating (though mostly fun) to sit through this season with all of you fine folk. I am very much looking forward to a three-month break from all Bachelor related activity. Don’t worry though, I’ll see you all again on January 4th to see some high quality Ben H shenanigans.
Until next time.