Monday, December 28, 2015

Meet The Women! (1-10)

I can avoid it no longer. The 2016 Bachelor season is upon us all, and with it comes the parade of insanity known as contestant bios. In years past, ABC has tempered their more outlandish contestants with a handful of “normal” ones. Either that policy is no more, or the show has exhausted their supply of normal women because every contestant on this show is at least partially insane. Not unlike the 2016 Republican presidential candidates, each is a bad choice. So without further ado, let’s dig in.
 Behold! The ravages of age!

This is Amanda, a 25-year-old single mother of two from California. As a white woman in her mid-twenties who loves The Notebook, Pride and Prejudice, and “all kinds of music,” Amanda is your standard bachelorette. Perhaps sensing her surface dullness, The Bachelor producers really dug deep and asked Amanda some bizarrely personal questions including “Do you have a fear of aging and are you doing anything to prevent it?” The obviously correct answer to this question is “That’s none of your business, weirdo.” Amanda instead says that yes, she does have a fear of aging and regularly uses Botox. Keep in mind she’s a 25 year old woman, not a 70 year old scrotum.

Lets see if she can make it past three weeks this time.

Fans of The Bachelor will remember Amber from Chris Soules’ season, where she fulfilled the producers’ diversity quota for three weeks before being sent home. After that, Amber showed up on Bachelor in Paradise where she again was sent home after three loveless weeks. Given her brief, unimpressive history, it’s a mystery why anyone would want to bring her back this season. Perhaps she’s the only remaining black person the producers know, or she could be the one remaining black person willing to be trotted out in front of the nation as a prop to feign inclusivity. Then again, she might also just be a person who enjoys competing on shows like this and maybe I should calm down a little.
Seriously? Why is Becca back again? She was boring on Chris Soules’ season, and judging from her un-updated biography, she’s boring now. Her only claim to fame was being a virgin, which literally everyone is for at least a portion of their life. If Becca is on this season of The Bachelor for more than two weeks, I will consider the show (and my life by association) a failure.
Smiling through the horror of single life.

Next we have Breanne, a Nutritional Therapist from Seattle. Breanne is a completely insane person. Her favorite vacation was “New York for my 30th birthday. I went all by myself to Fashion Week.” Hopefully that was the only vacation Breanne has ever taken, because I cannot think of anything sadder than celebrating the end of your 20s alone in a strange city. You're not fooling anyone Breanne.

Breanne also lists her favorite book as Why Men Love Bitches, saying “I know the title is hilarious, but it’s all about valuing yourself and letting the man pursue you.” First off, that title is not hilarious. That title is barely a thought, nevermind a hilarious one. Second, for a book that is all about valuing yourself, it doesn’t seem able to conceive of self-worth existing outside of a relationship. Pick a better book, Breanne.
Half Filipino, half nerd, and half child-packer.

This is Calia, a 24-year-old woman with no conceivable grasp on reality. When asked to describe herself, Calia says that she is “half Filipino and half German/Irish/Swiss.” That is not how fractions, ethnicity, or the English language work. I wanted to give Calia a pass on this since she is one of the few examples of “diversity” the show has, but according to her math, she’s 150% white so I’m not sure how diverse she actually is.

Calia also says her favorite show is Game of Thrones because “I’m a closet nerd that loves the deep plot and sexy tension.”  I’m curious what part of Game of Thrones this “closet nerd” considers to be sexy. Is it the rape, castration, incest, birthing of demon spawn, public humiliation, or crippled children she finds to be the sexiest? It’s probably the crippled children.

In what might be some of my favorite logic a bachelorette has ever used, Calia says she would love to have three kids because “that’s the perfect amount to fit in a 5-seater car for traveling.” If you have ever traveled any distance with three children in a car, you know that is completely untrue. A 5-seater car is the perfect size to make three children very loud and angry, so if that is your end game let me say “well done.” Also, why are you letting your current car dictate the size of your family? Why not have four kids, since that number most comfortably fits in a bathtub? Hell, have five kids and start a Def Leppard tribute band. These make just as much sense as your weird allegiance to your car.

Every 8th grade boy's fantasy.
Emily and Hayley
Well, well, well. It seems ABC has finally received my letters of complaint about The Bachelor’s lack of resemblance to a 90’s beer commercial. For years now, I have been writing to Mike Fleiss and the producers, begging for an excuse to once again yell “AND TWINS!” at my TV. Finally my cries will no longer go unheeded. Emily and Hayley are “professional” twins and have both come on The Bachelor to take part in some creepy, near-incestual love. God willing, Ben will crack open an ice cold Coors Lite (you’ll know because the mountains will be blue) and make those two identical women mud wrassle, because this is America, damnit.

As a side note, both contestants are listed with the occupation of “twin”, which hasn’t been a job since freak shows went out of business. Are people paying them to just be twins? I really hope that is the case. Just knowing that there are eccentric millionaires whose sole mission in life is to support the mere existence of twins gives me a renewed faith in both America and Capitalism.
Probably loves mayonnaise and Jeff Dunham too
Isabelle (Izzy)

Izzy is another standard bachelorette. She’s a white girl with white girl tastes (Mumford & Sons, Taylor Swift, and The Notebook), a white girl job (graphic designer), and from a white girl state (Connecticut). What I’m saying is, Izzy is the whitest person I’ve ever seen. In case you don’t believe me, her family once chartered a sailboat through the British Virgin Islands for ten days on vacation. Next to riding on the backs of conquered peoples, sailboats are the whitest form of transportation possible.

Regret nothing and leave no survivors.

Jackie is an insane person. Don’t get me wrong, for the most part she is fine. Jackie loves warm weather, ice cream, and the movie Elf. There is a lot about Jackie that lends itself to normalcy. Her pension for sociopathy, however, is not one of those things. When asked the question “What is your biggest regret?” Jackie says, “I never regret anything.” She doesn’t say, “I try not to dwell in the past,” or “I don’t have anything to regret.” Jackie says, “I never regret anything,” because she just doesn’t give a shit. I can only assume at some point this season, Jackie will say something to the tune of “Should I have screamed racial epithets at that passing school bus while drowning two other bachelorettes in the pool? Of course not. Do I regret it? No. I never regret anything.”

A disaster waiting to happen.

Jami looks a lot like Amber. Their resemblance is so significant I can only assume this is either an elaborate plot on the part of Amber to double her chances of winning, or an attempt by the producers to get Ben in a lot of trouble after he says the words “You all look alike!”

Much like her looks, Jami’s understanding of the world is skin deep at best. Her favorite book is The Crucible because “it taught me a lot about how much one action can affect so many people.” Jami has either never read The Crucible or is confusing it with The Butterfly Effect, because that is total nonsense. The Crucible is an allegory for the second Red Scare, not a “Man, Tituba got up to some shit in the woods” story. At least read Spark Notes first.

Jami also says her favorite rapper is Lil Wayne because “He seems very smart with his raps.” To be clear, Jami’s favorite thing about Lil Wayne is that his “raps” give her the impression that he is intelligent. The same guy who said “I stand up in that pussy like a sunroof,” and “I get her on top she drop it like it hot, and when I’m at the bottom she Hillary Rodham,” and “Got ten bathrooms, I can shit all day,” is the person Jami thinks “seems very smart.” I’m not saying Lil Wayne isn’t smart. I’m just saying Jami hears those lyrics and thinks, “Move aside Dead Prez! This guy seems very smart with his raps!”

That’s all for this post! Worry not, there will be two more posts this week as we quickly approach the season opener. Buckle up. This is happening.

Gossip Squirrel

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