Sunday, January 3, 2016

Meet the Women! (20-28)

The final profiles from this season’s Bachelor contestants are in and without a moment to spare! Here’s your final nine contestants.

Lauren: Episode IV

Lauren R
In a continuation of this season’s excessive use of Laurens, we begin with Lauren R. As a math teacher from Texas, you have to think appearing on The Bachelor will essentially end her teaching career. Lauren R works in a state that still promotes creationism; I doubt her employers would look too kindly on the inevitable drunken debauchery in this upcoming season. Then again, it is Texas. So long as she carries a gun and can make decent barbecue, she should be fine.

Lauren R also says that her favorite movies include “Batman movies.” A word of advice to everyone reading this: when talking about enjoying “Batman movies” it is imperative that you are specific about which Batman movies you are talking about. Saying you like “Batman movies” is like saying you like cops. Most of them are pretty good, but a handful really fuck things up for everyone. I’m looking at you Jason Van Dyke and George Clooney.

Strangest of all, Lauren R lists the three people she would most like to have dinner with as, “Jesus, Michelangelo (just saw many of his paintings in Rome… what a talented weirdo), and Justin Timberlake.” Where to even begin with this?

First off, why does every woman on this show want to have dinner with Jesus? I understand that friendship with Jesus includes an unlimited source of wine, but have you ever thought that the Son of God might have other things to do which don’t include listening to your thoughts on Justin Bieber’s new album or which Kardashian is in the news that week. Secondly, why are you calling Michelangelo a “weirdo”? Jackson Pollock is a weirdo. Michelangelo is one of the most accomplished artists in history, not some goofball painter who sneezed on a canvas and called it art. Third and finally, everyone knows if you get a chance to meet any member of NSYNC, you pick Cosmonaut Lance Bass. That’s just common sense.

Future head trauma victim

Leah lists the most outrageous thing she’s ever done as, “twerking on the wall in my dress during my Bachelor interview.” If I had to guess, Leah will chug three glasses of white wine on her first night in the mansion and try this stunt again, resulting in either a broken neck or the return of The Bachelor’s famous black censorship box. I really hope it’s the latter.

When asked what fictional character she would most like to be, Leah says, “Ariel. Who wouldn’t want to be a mermaid?” I believe the more accurate question is, “Who would want to be a mermaid?” You would spend your entire life around fish, which both look and smell disgusting, and upon meeting the love of your life be promptly rejected and turned into sea foam. Living as a mermaid is a good life only if you love seafood and are particularly adept at avoiding sea witches.

If Texas was a person.

Maegan is the most Texas thing I have ever seen in my life. She is a professional cowgirl who enjoys “BBQ’ing and drinking some beers,” owns a mini-horse, and describes her flirtation style as “Ass grabbing always works great!”

Finally, Mike Fleiss and the other Bachelor executives are including the long-neglected “sexual assaulting hillbilly” demographic. Maegan will finally unite the Venn diagram of Deliverance fans and reality TV. Let’s just hope Ben doesn’t decide to take her on a canoe trip.

I will be genuinely surprised of Maegan and her weirdly spelled name makes it through the first night.

Surprisingly, not the weirdest thoughts on chickens...

This is Mandi, a dentist from Portland, Oregon, who lists one of her worst attributes as, “a tendency to drink too much.” That makes sense too, because based on her answers Mandi was definitely drunk when she made this profile.  When asked what animal she would most like to be, Mandi said “A free-range chicken, because they do whatever they want and lay delicious eggs.” I genuinely love that Mandi lives in a world where she thinks free-range chickens “do whatever they want.” Presumably that means they have free will, jobs, and little chicken drivers licenses. In Mandi’s mind, farms are essentially chicken towns where the residents aren’t about to be butchered and eaten. On that note, is Mandi aware that chickens don’t eat their own eggs? Saying you want to be a chicken because your eggs are delicious is like saying you want to be a mother because you like the taste of human babies. It’s not a completely invalid reason to want to be a mother, just a disturbing one.

Elevator escape artist

Olivia claims to have set the record for time spent stuck in an elevator. I am not sure why she makes this claim, nor why she thinks I won’t look it up and call her out on being a liar, because I absolutely will. Even a cursory Google search shows that the record for time spent stuck in an elevator was set by Kively Papajohn, who spent six days in an elevator in 1989. Olivia wasn’t even alive in 1989, so there is no feasible way she can take the title of “Longest Elevator Refugee” from Mr. Papajohn. The man already has to share his name with a terrible pizza chain, don’t make him share his world record too.

Went to the zoo and saw Cookie Monster

Rachel lists her occupation as “unemployed,” and after reading her profile I can’t say I’m surprised. Her favorite music is “usually just whatever is trending,” which is a millennial way of saying “I just listen to whatever everyone else tells me to.” I’m not suggesting that enjoying pop music is bad in any sense as Kesha fucking rules. But to say that your favorite music is “whatever is trending” makes me think Rachel doesn’t actually like music as much as she uses it to distract her from having thoughts.

Rachel also thinks Cookie Monster is an animal, which absolutely blows my mind. You remember Cookie Monster, right? He’s the puppet from Sesame Street who suffers from a cookie addiction and is made of felt and not animal parts. That’s the thing that Rachel thinks is an animal. No wonder she is unemployed.

Just trying to escape Florida

Samantha is a lawyer who graduated in the top 20% of her class, has realistic expectations about what to expect from her dates, and loves her family. Given all that, you may be wondering what a successful, intelligent woman like her would be doing on a show like The Bachelor. As it turns out, Samantha is a lawyer in Florida, which I can only assume is an excruciating type of hell. I would quit a high paying law job too if I was stuck in Florida working on armed alligator robbery and payday loan arson cases. May this show free you from the hell that is Florida, Samantha.

My religiously inappropriate obsession

Shushanna is a 27-year-old mathematician from Salt Lake City, and to be completely honest, I am obsessed with her. To be clear, I am not in love with Shushanna. I don’t feel particularly strongly about her either way. I am interested in only one thing about Shushanna. Is she Jewish or Mormon?

Don’t ask me why my brain works this way, it just does. All I can think about after reading Shushanna’s profile is her religion. On one hand, she’s an attractive woman from Utah who covers her shoulders, so she could be Mormon. On the other hand, she’s a mathematician named Shushanna who broke up with her last boyfriend because of an overbearing mother. That’s about as Jewish as a person can be. This dilemma is consuming every synapse of my brain. If anyone can shed light on this issue, please tell me. I have to know.

The only reason you're reading this blog.

Let’s be honest, if you have had any previous exposure to this season’s contestants, this is the profile you’ve been waiting to read. Tiara is a chicken enthusiast. I’m not saying that as a euphemism for something dirty; her literal occupation is listed as “chicken enthusiast.” Just take a minute and absorb that.

Chicken Enthusiast.



What exactly is a chicken enthusiast? How does one make money from enthusiasm about chickens? Am I having a stroke? Because those two words don’t make any sense next to each other? These are all questions you would be completely within your rights to ask, but I cannot answer. All I can do is tell you that Tiara loves chickens so much she lists them above both her family and food in “things you can’t live without.” That is her level of chicken enthusiasm.

There are other things I could tell you about Tiara, but nothing comes close to her love of poultry. I was in serious doubts before these profiles were released if I would continue this blog, but then The Bachelor went and selected a professional chicken enthusiast to compete for the heart of Ben Higgins on national TV. Sometimes the universe hands you a beautiful gift and you can’t ignore it. Thank you Mike Fleiss, ABC, and anyone else involved in bringing this woman into our lives. This season of The Bachelor is going to be absolutely amazing.


Gossip Squirrel

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