Thursday, December 31, 2015

Meet the Women! (11-19)

Last post of 2015! I can think of no better way to celebrate the end of this year than looking at another nine women from the upcoming season of The Bachelor. Without further ado, lets have a look at who will be joining Ben on the show!

A genuinely weird human being.

Jennifer is a really weird person. I’m genuinely not sure how else to describe her. When asked which three people alive or dead she would like to have lunch with, Jennifer says, “Amy Schumer, Eckhart Tolle, and Eric Decker.” Amy Schumer I understand, but Eckhart Tolle and Eric Decker? For those who don’t know, Eckhart Tolle is a “spiritual guru” who believes that we are one with the universe and that the past and future don’t exist. Tolle is essentially a lesser-known version of Deepak Chopra. For anyone who is not a New York Jets fan, Eric Decker is the number two wide receiver for the team. Decker is essentially a lesser-known version of Brandon Marshall. Apparently, Jennifer enjoys shitty white versions of things.

She also says that if she could be any animal she would be a dolphin because “They are beautiful, intelligent, and they are the only mammals to have sex for pleasure.” Well, it seems that Jennifer has forgotten about my favorite animal: the majestic bonobo. A male bonobo will have sex with female bonobos, male bonobos, things that aren’t bonobos, or even a hole in the ground. I highly recommend watching this youtube clip to learn more on the mating habits of bonobos (or if you’re just in the mood for some hot monkey sex).

"Look over here Jessica... oh nevermind..."

Jessica lists one of her favorite movies of all time as Transformers, which should really disqualify her from even being a person. Think about that. Of all the movies she has ever seen or have ever been created, her favorite movie is watching Shia LeBeouf run away from CGI robot cars. I’m not saying everyone has to list Citizen Kane or The Godfather among their favorites, but including Transformers on any list that isn’t “Movies with big-ass robots and bad acting” is downright irresponsible.

If we’re being honest, Jessica’s profile is really boring and this was the only thing I could write about that wasn’t her weird eyes.

She's a fruit and a vegetable!

Joelle “JoJo”
JoJo is another in a long line of crazy people on this season of The Bachelor. She answers the question “If you could be any kind of fruit or vegetable, which one would you be?” with “Tomato so that way I can be considered both.” That’s fine, JoJo, but why do you want to be both a fruit and a vegetable? What advantages could that possibly bring to your new food-based lifestyle? Could this bi-food lifestyle be JoJo’s attempt at coming out? If so, and I say this as a firm supporter of LGBTQ peoples, she needs to be better at coming out.

In what might be my favorite Bachelor biography answer of all time, JoJo speaks to her cultural background, saying, “My mom is Persian, and my Dad was born and raised in Tennessee. I’m proud of my mother’s background despite what social opinions are.” Ouch.

How does that feel Tennessee? American’s are now more proud of having parents from Iran than they are of your backwoods state. The Axis of Evil is now more welcome in this country than Tennesseans. Keep that in mind next time you cross the holler to get to your outhouses.

JoJo also says if she could have lunch with any three people, living or dead, she would choose “My grandfather who has passed, Ellen DeGeneres, and Jesus.” I could easily write eight pages on what an odd choice this is, but in the interest of brevity I will just say this. Getting lunch with Ellen DeGeneres and Jesus is going to be very awkward unless everybody suddenly gets very cool with 2,000 years of social policy perpetuated in Jesus’ name.

The only contestant I don't actively root against.

Jubilee is almost impossible for me to make fun of. First and foremost, she’s a war veteran, which I hope will result in at least one ass kicking, but realistically will probably create “Thank you for your service” lines ad nauseum. She also lists her typical Saturday night as “Ménage a trois with my bed, blanket and pillow,” which is funnier than most women on this show. Predictions have backfired for me every time on The Bachelor (see Kelsey and Clint from recent seasons) but I get the feeling that Jubilee is actually pretty great.

Leaves her shit lying around.

Lace doesn’t always remember to flush her shits. That’s not speculation; that’s fact. Answering the question “What is your most embarrassing moment?” Lace responds, “When I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it.” How exactly did that happen, Lace? Did you just stand up after dropping a deuce and wander off thinking, “Oh I’ll take care of that later.” Or maybe for you shitting is such a lengthy process that you forgot why you sat down in the first place before leaving the bathroom unwiped. I am genuinely curious as to how this happened.

All I see is red hair and a shirt...

This translucent human being is Laura, a 24-year-old account executive from Louisville, Kentucky. To give you an idea of how pasty Laura is, she includes sunscreen as something she cannot live without. Given her complexion, that might actually be a medical necessity.

Laura also says that if she could break any law with no repercussions she would rob a casino because, “I could have something to talk about with George Clooney and Brad Pitt.” Is Laura aware that Oceans 11 is a movie and not real life? Clooney and Pitt aren’t actual robbers, they’re actors. If you walked up to those two and said, “Hey I just robbed a casino! I’m just like you!” they would call the police.

Finally, far and away my favorite answer Laura gives comes when asked, “What’s your guiltiest pleasure of any kind?” Think about what your own personal guilty pleasure is while I tell you that Laura’s guilty pleasure is, “White chocolate raspberry cheesecake. Whole.” Are you kidding me, Laura? Your guilty pleasure is eating an entire cheesecake in one sitting?! I didn't actually know that was humanly possible. If you haven't contacted the Guinness Book of World Records you may want to look into it, Laura. I suspect you may have set a record for most cheesecakes eaten in a lifetime. Also, on a related note, are you familiar with the concept of diabetes? If not, you should read up on it, as I expect it will be a major facet of your life very soon.

Me living in a house with other women! Can you imagine anything so outrageous?

Lauren “LB”
LB has led a very odd life. She describes her most “outrageous moment” as, “join a sorority – so not me!” I understand that sororities aren’t necessarily her thing, but unless you have a penis, joining a sorority isn’t a particularly daring move. Even if you have a penis, nothing about the idea of joining a sorority is particularly interesting, as we learned from the movie Sorority Boys.

LB also says her most embarrassing moment was, “Seeing a doctor for constipation in Germany. My ex had to translate every detail!” Constipation is embarrassing to be sure, but why did she travel all the way to Germany to address the problem? I’ve heard that German proctologists really have their shit together. In fact, I believe the number two proctologist in the world lives there. Unless you give a crap though, American doctors can certainly help with constipation. Poop. That is all.


Lauren B
Lauren B shares a name with the previous contestant, as well as the two that follow her, because the producers of The Bachelor clearly don’t want anyone to have any idea what is happening this season. I hope Ben is allowed to keep notes on him, because unless he eliminates all four Laurens that first rose ceremony is going to be a debacle. Hey producers, why not just force one of the women to change their name? It’s not like any aspect of this show is based in reality anyways. You can call Lauren B “Jarvis” for all I care, just give me something to differentiate between the gaggle of white women you’ve provided.

"My very being exists to serve The Bachelor"
Lauren H
Our final contestant for this post is Lauren H, who panders to the producers as if she has anything to actually gain from their approval. Lauren H says that if she could go anywhere in the US she would go to California because, “that’s where The Bachelor mansion is.” She also says she would love to be Chris Harrison for a day, “because his job seems pretty amazing. Slow down there, Lauren. You’re already on the show. You don’t need to convince the producers of your near pathological need to be on the show. Maybe take a breath and think before your entire personality becomes, “I want… no, I NEED to be on The Bachelor.” You’re scaring me, Lauren.

That just about does it for this post. I hope everyone has a fun and safe NYE!


Gossip Squirrel

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