Tuesday, January 26, 2016

The Bachelor Episode 4: It's A Boob Thing

Have you ever wanted to see a grown woman dance around a cake in her underwear? What about an orphaned Army veteran be harassed for not being enough fun? Do you long to see a man so inexplicably obsessed with flying that he takes helicopters across town rather than drive a car? If so, thenThe Bachelor might be right for you. Side effects may include: nausea, drowsiness, rage, a compulsion to consume alcohol, depression, confusion, and herpes.

Maybe try and find an actual healthcare professional...

Chris Harrison arrives to inform Ben’s 14 girlfriends that they will be going to, “The marriage capitol of the world, Las Vegas.” Much like your average Las Vegas vacation, The Bachelor also results in two booze-fueled strangers trying to get married. If anything, Chris Harrison should have pointed out that Las Vegas is also the prostitution capitol of the world. That would be more accurate given the show’s structure.

JoJo received the first date card, which read “you set my heart on fire.” If, like myself, you try to figure out what the date is by the clue provided, this was a real puzzler. The couple could attend a fire dancing show, go to a gun range, or release a mid level manager from his employment. Anything was possible.

Instead, Ben and JoJo took a helicopter to watch fireworks on top of the MGM hotel.  Technically, this activity does meet the bare minimum of punnery required to fulfill the Bachelor date card, but it was weak at best. To say the theme of a date is the big noisy thing that happens briefly at the end means that the theme of most Bachelor dates could also be “frustrated masturbation back in Ben’s room.”

"What? Oh I was just thinking about... a thing."

There still remains no explanation for Ben’s obsession with flying to his various date locales. Perhaps growing up in Indiana, Ben spent his days watching people fly over the state and now wants to see what all the fuss is about. Or maybe Ben is living out his fantasy of being a whimsical billionaire who cannot be bothered to walk places. Either way, he is in for a rude awakening once the show ends and he’s earthbound again like the rest of us.

The group date continued the trend of inexplicable decisions by forcing 12 of the contestants to compete in a talent show hosted by Terry Fator. In case you didn’t know, Terry Fator is a ventriloquist who has more fame and money than any ventriloquist should ever experience. Intimidated by the presence of the ventriloquist king, several women claim to not have any talent as if that was a surprise to anyone watching.


In all, the talents were not completely terrible. They ranged from goofy juggling acts, to moderately entertaining Irish step dancing, to holy shit, Jubilee can play the cello. How does this one woman have so much going for her at once? At this point, it wouldn’t be surprising to find out she’s also been to space and invented the McRib.

The most interesting “talent” showcased was Olivia’s “showgirl dancing.” Well, not so much dancing as whatever this is.

If you look closely, you can pinpoint the moment she realizes this is a terrible idea.

That’s right. After being wheeled out in a cake, Olivia emerged wearing sparkly underwear and immediately realized she had no idea what she was doing. Keep in mind that leading up to this moment Olivia had been so wildly confident that her talent would embarrass the other women she had to keep it a secret. Three minutes of awkward waving and jazz walking later, Olivia was backstage having a post performance “panic attack.”

Side note to Olivia. That wasn’t a panic attack; it was shame. The rest of us feel it every day.

Is Olivia an alien? That is an entirely serious question, because nothing else makes even a modicum of sense. She acts like a Bachelor contestant, but doesn’t seem to understand basic social cues or even what certain things are. While picking out her costume for the talent show, Olivia held up a bra and asked, “What’s this? A boob thing?” Yeah, Olivia. It’s a bra. You’re wearing one. If you were from this planet you would know that.

This is also a picture of Olivia, before the mouth enhancement surgery.

The after-date cocktail party included more of what we’ve already seen from the women. Lauren B received another rose, Jubilee has less than no confidence, and Olivia has returned to her usual cocktail of booze and self-delusion. Ben even uses this opportunity to reuse a classic joke when he called Caila a “sex panther.” Nice try, Ben. We’ve all seen Anchorman.

Becca had the final one on one date of the evening. Wearing a wedding dress she had received from Ben, Becca meets him in Las Vegas’ Little White Chapel. Ben then gets down on one knee and proposes that they “marry… other people.” Given that they probably will end up marrying other people, this was only surprising after finding out that Ben became an ordained minister overnight and will be performing ceremonies with Becca all day. As dates go, this was pretty average. It consisted mostly of Ben trying to read words out loud to the exact kind of people you would expect to have Vegas weddings.

After fake marrying real people, Ben and Becca sat down to talk about Becca’s virginity and previous time on The Bachelor. There really isn’t much to say about this, both because it wasn’t interesting and I wasn’t paying attention. From what I half-listened to, Becca said that she loves Jesus while Ben pretended this wasn’t a deal breaker for him. I genuinely don’t think I am that far off.

"Of course you're a virgin!"

The next morning, Chris Harrison arrives to wake then women and inform Emily and Hayley that they will have a two on one date with Ben today. In a rare moment of good judgement, Ben decided that dating two sisters simultaneously was a bit weird so he will be getting rid of one today. Being that I still wasn’t paying attention, I can only guess at what happened.

Since they are from Vegas, Ben takes the sister to their childhood home, where they meet with either their mother or older sister. It’s impossible to know how the woman was related to the sisters because Vegas is a place where people either look 14 or 90. Anyways, Ben looks at pictures of the sister’s exes and talks to their sister-mom before eventually eliminating Hayley. According to him, the twins were separated in Vegas so the loser would have the emotional support of her family, though I suspect it was really to avoid the cost of another plane ticket home.

After what felt like an eternity, the final roses were handed out with both Amber and Rachel sent home. On her way off the set, Amber collapsed in a pool chair and sobbed. It’s hard to know if she was upset by Ben Higgins rejection, or if she suddenly realized she was a bad person for harassing an Army veteran last week. Either way, we’ll never find out. Good riddance, Amber.


Gossip Squirrel

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