Tuesday, February 2, 2016

The Bachelor Episode 5: Como Se Dice?

Why I ever expect anything different from this show is beyond me. Every season The Bachelor has a small handful of compelling individuals who are (often) unceremoniously kicked out halfway through the season, leaving me with nothing to cheer for beyond the end of the show. Ben Higgins has left me in the same predictable quagmire in which I so often find myself. That is, with no one to cheer for. I’m not surprised or upset even, just familiarly disappointed.

How I feel every week after this dumb show.

This week’s episode of The Bachelor opens in Mexico City. Ben is particularly excited about his trip, saying, “The people here are always friendly.” Olivia, on the other hand, is excited to discover the bidet in her hotel suite. In both cases, they are excited for the nation of Mexico to deal with their shit.

Amanda receives the first date card, which reads “Lets put all our eggs in one basket.” She reacts with all the stone-faced excitement a 25-year-old Botox user can muster, by vaguely parting her mouth. Hope it was worth it, Amanda. You may not be able to express basic human emotion, but at least you still look 25.

Pictured: Amanda smiling... or angry... or maybe horny?

The date begins at 4:20 AM as Ben breaks into the women’s suites in search of Amanda. Apparently, waking every contestant from a deep sleep was somehow integral to the date. Ben uses the opportunity to tell each of the disoriented women that they look beautiful despite the fact that no one really seemed to know what was going on. No one wakes up at 4:20 AM unless a fire alarm is going off or your stoner roommate got morning and night confused again.

In keeping with Ben’s obsession with air travel, he and Amanda take a hot air balloon tour of Mexico City. At this point, it is hard to imagine Ben is more interested in any of these women than he is the concept of air travel. Would it be completely surprising if his final rose went to a prop plane at this point? Ben has at least been inside of the plane, which is more than he can say for any of the women to this point.

At least I think I'm funny.

During the date, Amanda tells Ben more about her daughters and how her ex-husband cheated on her. Ben says that he can’t understand how anyone would ever cheat on a woman like Amanda, despite the fact that he is onThe Bachelor. It takes some real balls to tell a woman that you would never cheat on her and then go on dates with 10 other women.

The group date was next and saw nine of the women attend a Spanish language class before cooking a meal. Ostensibly the Spanish lesson was meant to help the contestants shop for food in a local market. However the contestants only learned romantic phrases like, “I’m falling in love with you,” and “I want to kiss you.” Unless they planned to trade hand jobs for vegetables, the Spanish lessons were pretty pointless.

Somehow the women managed to find their ingredients and began cooking. Olivia decides to put crickets on her dish because, “they (Mexicans) all like crickets!” I’d be inclined to call her racist if she wasn’t so incredibly stupid, not that those two things are in any way exclusive. Meanwhile, Jojo makes a misshapen lump of tortilla and calls it a taco. Specifically she says, “I know my taco is delicious… Ben already tasted my taco and loved it.” Slow down, JoJo. The fantasy suite dates aren’t for several weeks. There will be plenty of time for Ben to taste your taco then.

"You get it right? The double entendre? How taco has two meanings? I am very clever and gross."

If the women were bad, our bachelor was worse. Shortly after declaring himself “The Spatulor,” Ben burns bread in a skillet. The fact that none of the contestants saw this double dose of ineptitude and left the show is a testament to both their cluelessness and their low standards.

Later that night, the group reconvened for a miniature cocktail party. Olivia ruffled a few feathers when she again jumped at the opportunity to speak to Ben before anyone else, however it was Jubilee who really stole the show.  Once Jubilee and Ben had a few moments together, she admitted to being uncomfortable as one of 10 women dating the same guy. Ben then took the opportunity to chastise Jubilee for not wanting to hold his hand and kicked her off the show. Apparently there is no clause in The Bachelor contract to keep you from being an asshole.

The final date of the evening went to Lauren H. She and Ben went to fashion week in Mexico City, and even had a chance to model some clothes during a show. If we’re being honest, I hardly watched this segment and took even fewer notes. All I wrote down about Lauren H is, “goofy,” and “has a shitty ex.” At least I think that was about Lauren H. Realistically, it could be about anyone on this show.

It's like Where's Waldo if everyone was Waldo and had a shitty ex.

After Lauren H’s date came the final cocktail party. Olivia managed to put her foot in her mouth (figuratively, though I believe she could actually do it) when she mocked Amanda for having children. “I’m not sure why he’d want to date her, “ she said “I’ve got my shit together.” No you don’t, Olivia. That’s why you’re on this show. If you had your shit together you wouldn’t be starting fights in primetime over a man you don’t actually know.

Olivia also told Amanda that her life was like an episode of Teen Mom. When an awkward silence ensued, Olivia then tried to explain what Teen Mom was, as if that was the problem with what she said. Most of the women looked shocked that Olivia would say something so thoughtless. Amanda decided instead to stare at her with a stone face, because that was the only option available to her.

Outraged by Olivia, the women each pull Ben aside to tell him about how Olivia is a bully and get her kicked off the show, apparently not seeing the irony of the situation.  Ben thinks about what each of the women says before asking Olivia to talk before the ensuing rose ceremony. To be continued…

I know, Ben. I know.

Well, it wouldn’t be a season of The Bachelor if they actually stuck to the format of the show. If anything, I’m surprised it took them this long to miss a rose ceremony. Not that any of this matters, mind you. As soon as this show lost both Jubilee and Lace, my interest went completely out the window. Oh well, only a few episodes left.


Gossip Squirrel

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