Tuesday, February 9, 2016

The Bachelor Episode 6: I Wanna Talk Smart Things

If you’ve ever watched an episode of The Bachelor and wondered how many things could go wrong in one two hour block of television, last night provided the answer.  As it turns out, literally everything can go wrong and the show is just as much of a train wreck as ever. With that in mind, lets get into Monday’s absolute disaster of an episode.

Last night's episode began with Ben asking Olivia to explain why every woman in the house thinks she's a terrible bitch. To recap, last week Olivia made a joke about fellow contestant and mother, Amanda, comparing her to the show Teen Mom. All of the bachelorettes are appalled by the joke, including Emily who says, "That was the most offensive joke I have ever heard," because she has apparently never heard of Jeff Dunham. Olivia, whose face seems to grow shinier with every passing week, tries to dismiss the complaints as the other women being intimidated by her. In Olivia's own words, "These women like painting their toes…I like reading books and thinking…I wanna talk smart things." I, too, want to "talk smart things," Olivia. But instead, I'm stuck here writing about you.

Have you seen her TED talk on cankles?

At least temporarily placated, Ben returned to the rose ceremony and eliminated a brunette woman I have never seen or heard from before now. In fact, I only found out her name was Jennifer when Chris Harrison announced it was time for her to leave. Oh well. Itwas nice not knowing you, Jennifer.

The show continues its North American reign of terror when it moves from Mexico City to The Bahamas. No sooner do the women arrive, than a one on one date card is produced and awarded to Caila. While a majority of the women are able to feign happiness for Caila, Leah was despondent to have not yet received a one on one date with Ben. She wailed on about how she feels stupid to be the only woman without a one on one date, how stupid Ben is for not wanting her, how the universe is cruel, and how you can save more on car insurance by switching to All State. At least I think that's what she said. It's hard to pay attention sometimes.

Leah should not have been worried, however, as Caila's date was one of the least sexy things imaginable. She and Ben went deep-sea fishing, which combines all the lurid passion of regular fishing with slightly larger fish. What's that, you say? You need more proof about how sexy deep-sea fishing can be? Well look no further than the giant harness Caila had to wear in order to pull fish larger than her out of the sea. If that doesn't scream sexiness, I don't know what does.

Take notes, Maxim.

After catching a fish on the high seas, Caila and Ben sit down for dinner and some serious conversation. Ben notes to Caila that she, "smiles a lot," and wants to know if she is the kind of person who always smiles, or if she can also be sad with him. I don't know what kind of high school emo bullshit Ben is trying to pull here, but luckily Caila is having none of it. "I feel like you're putting me on the spot," she says, "I'm not going to cry on your shoulder."

Faced with his own stupidity, Ben was forced to backpedal and settle for Caila saying she likes him, but is afraid she might break his heart. Well done, Ben. You began the dinner by demanding unnecessary emotional honesty and ended it by giving Caila a rose just so she wouldn’t leave.

How I feel when I see a woman actually stand up for herself on this show.

In keeping with Ben’s apparent theme of unromantic dates, Ben next took the women on a boat ride to a nearby island. The card for the group date read, “Love is unpredictable,” so the women were of course taking turns trying to predict the impossible. Becca took a real shot in the dark with her prediction, saying, “You know what is unpredictable? Sharks.” Did I miss some front-page news about sharks in the last few months? Last time I checked they pretty much just stayed in the water and ate occasional scuba divers. Unless they recently began to grow legs or started flying around in tornadoes, I don’t think you can describe them as being particularly “unpredictable.”

Luckily for the women, there were no sharks to be seen. Instead their boat was greeted by a literal bay of pigs. It was Ben’s smart idea to have the women relax on the beach and feed a drove of pigs because he’s from Indiana and this was definitely all he could think of. On the other hand, the women are not from Indiana and spend most of the date shrieking and running away from their swine pursuers. Ben tries to put a positive spin on it by telling the home audience the women are all having fun, all while JoJo is nearly mounted by a pig in the background. In Ben’s defense, fighting off sexual assault from feral pigs is the official pastime of Indiana.

Saturday night in Warsaw.

The rest of the date fared no better, as Ben spent the majority of his time talking with Lauren B and ignoring the other women. Everyone is understandably upset with Ben, though he cannot figure out why. Even after wading through the water to ask every woman what the problem was, Ben was still no closer to an answer. Considering how desperate he was, I’m surprised he never sat down with a pig to get its opinion. At least the pigs eventually stopped torturing the women.

As the date dragged on and the group reconvened for a group cocktail party, Ben was still no closer to finding out what he had done to anger the women. Because there are four weeks left and Ben can’t just leave with Lauren B now, he decided to pull each of the women aside individually and ask them what was wrong. Inevitably, every woman told him they felt uncomfortable about how close he already is with Lauren B. Ben then took the opportunity to tell each woman that he knows the show is awkward and they need to remain the same woman he likes if they want to stay on the show. How no one called this out as the threat that it is, is beyond me.

"Oh no... She's thinking for herself again..."

Throughout the group date, Leah continued to feel neglected by Ben and decided to take matters into her own hands. During her time with Ben, Leah told him that some people thought Lauren B was disingenuous when she was around Ben. Apparently Leah’s thought process was, “Lauren B is the frontrunner. If I can get Ben to dump her maybe he’ll let me stay on the show for another week!” Not only did this strategy backfire during the date when Leah did not receive the rose, it backfired again the next day when she visited Ben in his hotel room. After trying to convince him of Lauren B’s non-existent deviousness, Leah was let go by Ben for not having enough in common with him. We can add her departure to the long list of things that seemingly went wrong this episode.

Next came the two on one date, featuring Olivia and Emily. Olivia was as confident as ever going into the date. She talks ad nauseum about how, “intellectual things are my jam.” Keep in mind that this is the same woman who made a reference to watching Teen Mom and mocks Emily for being too young despite being the same age. No matter what her definition of the word “intellectual” is, there is no way it includes exploiting child mothers and misunderstanding time.

Ben takes both Olivia and Emily to a secluded beach where he sits in the rain with each one and they talk about their relationship. After some brief time with each, Ben picks up the single rose and asks Olivia to walk with him. Once they are alone, Ben tells her that he appreciates her honesty, but he can’t give her a rose because he doesn’t feel the same way. That is some cold shit, Ben. Why would you take the rose with you when you’re about to dump a person? Was your entire goal to see how badly you could devastate a human being? If so, then congratulations. You did a great job.

That is one sad person.

Eventually, Ben returned to Emily and awarded her the rose. The two left Olivia on the island to be washed away like the human driftwood that she is.

Finally comes the rose ceremony. Ben prepares for his difficult decision by doing his best impression of a Danielle Steel book cover. That is no exaggeration either.

A Man in Want of Roses

Once Ben finishes his conversation with the sea, he begins the rose ceremony. Lauren H was the unfortunate odd woman out and consequently left the show. If you haven’t seen it yet, check out her crying face. It’s absolutely amazing.

I'm actually really going to miss her.

With Olivia and Leah both gone in the same episode, The Bachelor now enters the same boring, villain-less phase it enters every year. Hopefully the final four weeks will not consist of six women politely competing for the heart of Ben Higgins, but based on past seasons I cannot see a future where that happens. Buckle up, everyone. We’re in for eight more hours of the worst love story you’ve seen since last season.


Gossip Squirrel

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