Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Bachelorette: Have You Been On The Internet In The Last Few Months?

Last night was the season premiere of season 12 of The Bachelorette, and in continuing three years of terrible decision making, I’ve decided to blog it again. There is a great deal I could say about the choice to keep writing. However, in lieu of a long-winded and self-important treatise on feelings and my own stupidity, I’ll just say this: Thank you to everyone for their encouragement, love, threats, and occasional physical violence. It’s fun talking about shitty TV with you.

The season begins with a recap of JoJo’s time on The Bachelor, in case there are any first time viewers who are also incapable of picking up context clues. JoJo walks along the beach in an interesting all denim, Canadian Tuxedo get up and remembers fondly her time with Ben.

It's NEVER a good idea.

JoJo then has a brief meeting with ghosts of Bachelorette’s past, Desiree, Kaitlyn, and Ali. The Dosh Khaleen of former Bachelorettes offer up advice to JoJo, mostly in the form of just describing the show. At one point, former Bachelorette Kaitlyn said, “If you’re feeling it, feel it.” I assume she means penises, only because there’s no need to be that vague when talking about anything else on network TV. Also, that is bad advice for anyone, but especially from a woman who was publicly shamed for sleeping with a contestant in the sixth week of the show. At the very least she should have said, “If you’re feeling it, DON’T. All of America is going to be weirdly invested in your sex life for the next three months, and will call you a cunt if you sleep with the wrong person.” That would have at least been more accurate.

"I loooooooved my time on the show..."

With their non-advice fresh in her mind, JoJo returns to the Bachelor mansion to await the men’s arrival. First out of the limos is Jordan, who is an immediate frontrunner simply for being the brother of Green Bay Packers Quarterback, Aaron Rodgers. Jordan himself is a former quarterback who brags about having played for three different NFL teams before deciding to quit, though “quitting” is a pretty loose term considering he was fired from a practice squad. Also, is it a point of pride to play for a lot of different football teams but never actually start a game? For some reason it seems like all the best players did it the other way around…

Few other entrances merit commenting on, but I’ll do it anyways because why not? 
  • Grant makes his mark when he introduces himself to JoJo by saying “I won’t do what Ben did to you.” It’s fair to assume he means, “I probably won’t have the opportunity to say, ‘I love you.’” 
  • Robby brought JoJo a bottle of wine because he saw her drink wine on the show. They have wine at the house, Robby. 
  • A man named James Taylor enters playing a boring song on guitar, and no he’s not the famous one. A word of advice, if your name is James Taylor and you can’t manage to be more interesting than the original James Taylor either change your name or pick a new instrument.
  • Christian shared his personal history, including the fact that his dad’s family didn’t know of his existence until Christian was a teenager because, “My father’s father was racist.” Welcome to the club, Christian. This is America. Everyone’s grandfathers were racists.
  • Jonathan introduces himself as being, “half Chinese and half Scottish,” while wearing a kilt. He also says he’s, “Not wearing panties.” I should hope not, Jonathan. Even if you are, it would be an odd thing to wear women’s underwear to your first date.

50% Chinese, 50% Scottish, 100% impossible to understand.

The remaining guys all make their entrances, largely to little interest. There was a man dressed up as Santa, a man dressed up as a Scotsman, a man dressed up as a biker, men dressed up as normal human beings, just a lot of costumes in general. I’d be more upset about the amount of dress up these guys are playing, but considering the show is in its 12th season and everyone is desperately looking for relevance, I’ll let it slide.

With all of the men arrived, JoJo begins spending a little time with each one. Jordan, Ali, Willis, and Luke all emerge as immediate frontrunners. Frontrunners aren’t interesting to talk about, however, so lets talk about Daniel. Daniel is a Canadian whose occupation is listed as “Canadian” and loves viral videos. After JoJo repeatedly confesses to not knowing a viral video he is referencing, Daniel attempts to explain it but only seems to get half of the punch line before looking at her with a mix of panic and hopelessness. It was genuinely one of the most awkward things I’ve ever seen and I loved every second of it.

Clearly distraught by his own awkwardness, Daniel decided to make the situation less awkward by getting drunk and jumping in the pool. He also declared, “If I was gay, this place would be heaven!” You know, to make things less awkward.

"It's a good thing I'm not gay, or this might be weird."

Daniel wasn’t the only one masking their insecurities with alcohol. Nearly everyone was shitfaced, including Vinny and another bachelor (not distinct enough to merit name remembrance) who interrupted JoJo’s interview time. If that sounds weird, keep in mind that JoJo kept both of these idiots around for another week. There is no level of drunken debauchery too low for JoJo, it would seem.

Before the rose ceremony, JoJo presented the first impression rose to Jordan. It certainly seemed like the right call to make, too. Jordan is cute, witty, and can probably score some decent tickets to a handful of Packer games. Even a Bears fan would be hard pressed to turn that offer down.

Just prior to the rose ceremony, former Bachelor Jake Pavelka shows up to tell JoJo he is also looking for love… for her. Apparently that nonsensical series of words means that Jake also wants JoJo to be happy and she sighed with relief. Honestly, this entire conversation seemed much more like a texting situation, as opposed to a “show up at 3:30 and speak in cryptic verse” situation.

"I just want to say that I love you... getting married to another man. The idea of it that is. Am I making any sense?"

The rose ceremony saw Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Nick S, Peter, and Sal all leave. If we’re being honest, the only one I remember is Jonathan and that’s because he was wearing a kilt. None of these guys seemed particularly interesting and will surely not be missed.

Finally, we end with a teaser for the rest of the season which appears to include the fall of Jordan, Chad going completely insane, and a frankly shocking amount of blood. If nothing else, I’m sure we’ll have plenty to talk about in the weeks to come.

It’s good to be back,


Gossip Squirrel

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