Before I even begin to address the shit show that was last night’s season finale of The Bachelor, I have a bone to pick with all of you. For weeks, all I have been hearing is unfounded confirmation that Caila was in line to be the next Bachelorette. Assuming all you dumb dumbs knew what you were talking about, I spent two weeks writing down jokes about what an odd choice Caila was and how weird it would be to have our first half human-half Muppet Bachelorette. But what happens last night? Ol’ Chris Harrison goes and announces Chesty JoJo as the next Bachelorette overlord. Are you shitting me? What am I supposed to do with two full pages of Muppet/Hapa jokes? Answer me!
I didn't even want her. Why did I do all this?
With that bit of rage out of my system, let’s transition into a completely different type of anger and discuss last night’s finale episode of The Bachelor.
Chris Harrison is in the studio again tonight to introduce the show/fill time. His presence prior to After The Final Rose is as unwelcome as it is unnecessary, but this is The Bachelor, so it is also unfortunately expected. Keeping with his usual though process of, “Hey, wouldn’t if be terrible if (fill in the blank),” Chris has decided to pressure Ben into getting married tonight. In order to show just how serious he is, he’s even invited the families of both contestants, jeweler Neil Lane, and Ben’s hometown pastor. I have no idea what kind of pastor accepts an invitation to bring together in holy matrimony two people on a polyamorous reality TV show, but my guess is a shitty pastor.
Stop reading that book! You already know what's in there!
In any case, Ben and the ladies are back in Jamaica for this final week. During the first of what must have been 12 montages detailing their final hours of fame, the contestants reflected on their time on the show. Both women stress how much they love Ben and would be devastated were he to not choose them. Ben is also conflicted, albeit in an incredibly stupid way. “My head is a mess,” Ben says, “I can’t help how I feel.” True, Ben can’t help how he feels, but he can help how he acts. I have a lot of feelings about a lot of people but I don’t share them with everyone. If I did, I would be in jail, or at the very least unemployable.
As one does before getting engaged, Ben is now tasked with introducing the women to his parents. Ben’s mom immediately becomes my favorite person when she describes the entire situation as, “really disturbing to me.” God bless you, Amy Higgins. God bless you.
The Bachelorette 2017
Both women’s parental meetings went as smoothly as one could expect. Lauren tells both of Ben’s parents she is ready to be engaged, which they are able to fake smile through. JoJo, on the other hand, stresses how safe Ben makes her feel to his father. David (Ben’s father) really likes JoJo, though he can’t quite articulate why. Gee, I wonder what reason (boobs) David could have (boobs) for being so interested (boobs) in JoJo. The mystery lives on.
Next came Lauren’s final date with Ben as confused as ever. The two made out on a boat for some time before Lauren realized that he seemed conflicted. “He’s thinking about something, but I don’t know what,” she said, completely forgetting everything that had happened to her in the last two months. Eventually, Ben confessed to her that he was nervous because nothing bad had happened yet in their relationship. This is a completely valid reason to be trepidatious about any relationship. Lauren continues to not understand his concerns, however, saying, “I didn’t overthink it as much as I thought I would!” Good for you, Lauren, but overthinking things was never really your problem, was it?
The fourth stooge.
After leaving a confident (if not slightly clueless) Lauren, Ben goes on his final date with JoJo. In a last ditch effort by The Bachelor producers to put JoJo in another swimsuit, she and Ben go for some swimming and general groping in a local lagoon. JoJo, who turns every TV into a 3D TV, tells Ben she is concerned about the distance between their hometowns. Ben reacts as if he just realized that Dallas and Denver were nowhere near each other. Because it is a mantra for the contestants on this show to never be controversial in any way, JoJo immediately walks back her concerns by telling Ben she would move anywhere for him and avoids a painful geography lesson.
Later in the night, JoJo and Ben retreat to her room for drinks. She admits that she is nervous about their relationship, saying, “I’ve only been scared a few times in my life.” Seriously? You’ve only been scared “a few times” in your life? What world do you live in where scary things happen so infrequently? As a single woman in America, you would be justified in being scared every single day.
Ben tries to reassure JoJo that their relationship is perfect and he wouldn’t change a thing. She doesn’t completely buy it and locks herself in the bathroom with Ben to avoid the producers. Behind closed doors, she asks if he also loves Lauren, to which he responds, “Yes.” After some halfhearted consoling from Ben, JoJo ends the night crying alone in her room.
Don't feel too bad. This is how we met her.
Finished with the final dates, Ben sits down with the tacky jeweler himself, Neil Lane. Neil asks Ben if he knows who he has chosen yet, which gives Ben pause. After a brief moment to collect his thoughts, Ben says that he has. As we would later find out, Ben asked himself, “Which woman can I not live without?” to make his decision. Excuse me for a moment while I have a quick aside with Ben.
Ben, what the fuck have you been doing for the last two months? That is the only question you are supposed to be asking during this entire competition and you just now realized it on the last day of filming? There is literally nothing else you have to worry about, except finding a woman you cannot live without. That is your one job. You don’t have to set up the dates or even pay for them. Hell, you barely have to be interesting. All you have to do is find a woman to propose to, and you forgot about it until the very last night. I’m not disappointed in you, Ben. I’m actually mad.
Who could have known this guy would turn out to be kind of stupid?
At the final rose ceremony, JoJo is the first to arrive. As we all know, this means she will be eliminated from competition. After a long walk to Ben and a lengthy speech, Ben finally tells JoJo, “I found love with you, but I found it with someone else more.” For being someone Ben claimed to love, he sure let JoJo get a long way into the ceremony before dumping her. Call me crazy, but if I loved someone I wouldn’t drag out our breakup on national TV in the name of entertainment. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a human being with feelings and empathy.
Ben sheds a brief tear over JoJo before picking up the phone to call Lauren’s dad to ask for his blessing. Given that it would probably not look great for him to say no and call Ben a creep in primetime, Mr. B relents.
With her father’s blessing, Ben proposes to Lauren. She of course says yes, and the two are whisked out of sight, hopefully forever.
Goodnight, and good riddance.
I wish After the Final Rose was more interesting than it really was. Ben says that the show was difficult, but worth it. He and JoJo have a completely civil conversation about their breakup and each speaks highly of the other. Ben and Lauren come out for the first time as a couple and do couple shit in front of everyone. Chris Harrison tried to convince them to get married in the remaining ten minutes of airtime, but they refused. There was a brief moment of surprise when Jimmy Kimmel interrupted to ask Ben how sex worked and if he was having it, but it blended in with the rest of the monotony. All in all, it was time filling for time filling’s sake.
A sincere thank you is due to everyone who read these dumb thoughts all season. I genuinely don’t know if I will do this again for The Bachelorette. If I do, I’ll see you all at the end of May for JoJo’s season. If not, goodbye forever.