Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Bachelorette: Daddy Made Out With JoJo

It would seem this comes earlier and earlier every year, the point when I stop caring about what happens on The Bachelorette.  Jordan wins? Fine by me. Chad wins? Sure, why not? A stray dog wanders on set and receives a rose after JoJo confuses its lack of housebreaking with emotional honesty? Go for it. I really cannot express how little I care about the human beings on this show.

With that said, let me now hypocritically write three pages on everything I just saw.

I may hate this, but I will always continue to write about it.

Chase receives the first solo date card of the evening which reads, "Let's get physical." This seemed like an odd reference to make since the song was released in 1981 before anyone on the show was even born. Has Olivia Newton John (the singer) even done anything since this song was released? I can’t think of anything. The only thing I remember about her was that she was in Grease, a musical involving teenage pregnancy, flying cars, and the importance of changing everything about your identity in order to fit in socially. She also slammed John Travolta’s penis in a car door during the movie. Why don’t people bring that up more? That’s not a stuntman, so it’s safe to say that John Travolta definitely broke his penis while on the set of Grease. Fix that, Scientology…

Sorry, I got off track. Back to the date. As it turns out, the date card was actually a reference to Bikram yoga, which I had always assumed was a reference to hot yoga, but actually seems to be an ancient Sanskrit word for horseshit. The couple first threw a joint tantrum on the floor because they were instructed to and not, as I originally thought, because they were upset about having to listen to this new age nonsense. After their tantric tantrum, JoJo is instructed to mount Chase and stare deeply into his eyes. She describes this as a moving and intimate experience that brought them closer together as a couple. Chase says nothing because he was surely thinking, “Please don’t get hard. Please don’t get hard. Please don’t get hard.”

Chase is one of these... or all three?

Both JoJo and Chase consider the date to be a rousing success because they are idiots.

Back at the house, the date card arrives. No sooner is his name announced as being one of the attendees than Chad declares that he doesn’t want to go on a date with the other guys. “I’d rather go alone, not with you all,” he says, completely forgetting what show he is on. When Jordan calls him out on being a selfish douchebag, Chad responds with, “You’re a 27 year old failed football player.” Say what you will about Chad being an asshole of near psychopathic proportions, he is a pretty amazing shit talker. 

Chad also bought the domain names of all his fellow bachelor contestants and redirected them to his Instagram page.

After much ado about quite literally nothing, Chad decides to go on the date. He and the other guys meet JoJo at a black box theatre and enter without much explanation. Immediately, they become confused when a woman walks on stage and starts simulating an orgasm. This is either because they are completely unfamiliar with the concept of art or they have never seen a woman enjoying herself before. Given the group in attendance, it’s probably both.

As it turns out, the group is at a storytelling show where performers detail humorous stories about their sex lives and the men all have to participate. As an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist (which is ironic because his mere presence seems to cause flaccidity), Evan is confident in his ability to tell great sex stories. Chad, on the other hand, is very upset that he is being asked to share something so personal that JoJo hasn’t earned the right to know yet. To be fair, I can’t imagine there are aspects about Chad’s sex life that anyone wants to know.

I don't want to hear about his past relationship with a yam.

The rest of the guys are nervous to tell stories. Most write frantically while surrounded by half finished glasses of whiskey, which is interestingly enough exactly how I write this blog. Once he’s had enough drinks, Daniel proclaims that he is not nervous because he loves talking about sex. His notebook is also full of stick figure drawings so that confidence may be slightly misplaced.

Most of the guys do surprisingly well, getting laughs and generally holding the crowd’s attention. Grant tells a story about losing his virginity and immediately becomes the most relatable man on the entire show.

Then the insanity begins. Evan takes his turn on stage and doesn’t so much tell a sex story as he repeatedly implies that Chad has tiny balls from years of steroid usage. Evan leaves the stage to awkward applause because what he said wasn’t a sex story, it was sexual harassment. As he returns to his seat, Chad, who is incapable of anything beyond violence, grabs Evan from behind and rips his shirt. Evan treats this with the gravitas of murdered parents and makes a point of repeatedly telling everyone what happened exactly like the twerp he is.

Search "Evan The Bachelorette" in Google Images. It's just this creepy shit 80 times in a row.

Recognizing his mistake, Chad decides to step on stage and tell the funniest, most heartwarming story he can. Just kidding, Chad refuses to tell a story. Instead he calls JoJo up on stage to tell her that no one else understands him. JoJo then refuses his weak attempt at a kiss before he wanders off stage to polite applause. Once backstage, Chad punches a door and threatens to murder Evan. I’d call him a douchebag, but Chad isn’t even worth the title, because at least douchebags have a function.

Later, at the group date cocktail party, Chad and Evan continue trading barbs. Evan asks Chad why he is here, and later interrupts his time with JoJo. Chad claims that Evan is bullying the bully to get back for all the times he was bullied as a child. Much like Donald Trump supporters, Chad is confused about the difference between equality and not being able to actively oppress whoever they want.

There's no way he's not talking about shoving things up butts.

This argument goes back and forth for quite some time before JoJo, tired and confused, gives Evan a date rose just so she can have some peace and quiet for five minutes. Chad is flabbergasted and says “Seriously?” when she announces her decision. Chad may be a dick, but he’s right on this one. Evan has a face resembling an uncooked chicken and a personality to match. What she sees in him beyond “Is good at getting other guys hard professionally” is lost on me.

Once back at the house, resident Canadian, Daniel decides to talk to Chad about his behavior. As Chad’s only friend in the house, Daniel is concerned about how their friendship reflects on him. “Let’s pretend you’re Hitler,” Daniel muses in an idea that is immediately shot down by Chad. “Ok, not Hitler, but maybe Mussolini or George Bush,” he says with the foreign policy prowess only a Canadian could possess. There’s a case to be made for George Bush being a legitimate war criminal, but he certainly didn’t sign the Pact of Steel with Hitler. Sure, he made a three way blood oath with Dick Cheney and Satan, but that’s nowhere near as bad.

James Taylor gets the final date of the evening, and it may be the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. He and JoJo learn swing dancing from an adorable octogenarian swing dancer and then take to the streets for a costume fueled impromptu swing dance spectacular. James Taylor is comically bad, but his natural charm and goofball demeanor make the entire date an adorable experience. Later, he and JoJo sit on a ridge overlooking LA while he serenades her.

Now I get why my mom always said she loved James Taylor.

As the night draws to a close, Chris Harrison apparates into the house to inform the guys that there will be no cocktail party before the upcoming rose ceremony. Instead, there will be an all day pool party with JoJo. The guys are excited at the prospect of having a fun, casual day with their bachelorette, but Evan is not satisfied. He pulls Chris aside, like the pair of slime balls they are, and fills him in on all the Chad drama he himself helped create. Chris politely listens as if he didn’t already know everything Evan just said before dismissing him and asking Chad to come outside and talk with him.

Chad immediately deflects each and every accusation Chris throws at him, instead claiming that the other guys were bullying him. Like the overgrown toddler he is, Chad then claims that Evan shoved him first and can’t leave him alone. Sensing that he was talking to the mental equivalent of a brick wall, Chris Harrison sends Chad back into the house after making him promise not to eat any of the remaining contestants, no matter how hungry he gets.

The episode fades to black as Chad storms into the house, looking to pick a fight.

There will be a new recap tomorrow, I hope to see you all then!


Gossip Squirrel

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