Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Bachelorette: Not 100% False

If I learned one thing from last night’s episode of The Bachelorette, it is that there are at most three decent human males left on this show. For two hours, America was subjected to a parade of assholes that rivaled a naked bike ride. How is it possible that we are only one third of the way through this season?

Picking up where Monday’s episode left off, we see Chad storming into the house immediately after Chris Harrison told him to chill out. He tells the guys that it is not his fault that literally everyone on the show has a problem with him; as long as they don’t start shit with him, he won’t attempt manslaughter. Evan, sensing a need to be insufferable, reminds everyone that Chad ripped his shirt and is a big meanie pants. Evan might as well have sucked on his thumb and taken a dump in his pull-ups for how much of a child he was being.

What is that face? Why is it happening at me?

He and Chad want to keep bickering, but JoJo arrives for the start of a pool party. She demands the guys all take off their shirts and do shots with her, though to be honest, that’s basically all they had been doing before she showed up. No sooner had the shots been downed and the guys jumped into the pool, than they had to get out again because fucking Evan got a fucking bloody nose. Apparently being both in a pool and outside were too much for the poor little guy and his body just gave up. He really is a child.

Filled with the confidence that only getting a nosebleed in front of your girlfriend and her 12 other boyfriends can bring, Evan decides interrupt Chad and JoJo during some alone time. Evan then makes a point of letting JoJo know he isn’t afraid of Chad, though the fact that he can’t even talk about Chad without nervous laughter leads me to believe otherwise.

Eventually, Chris Harrison arrives to rescue JoJo from the testosterone-fueled stupidity and help her prepare for the upcoming rose ceremony. The guys all say their goodbyes and wish her well, except for Chad, who is mysteriously absent. As it turns out, Chad had decided to wander off into the woods for some quality thinking time. Either that or he thought he heard some lost children beyond the tree line and ran off to make sure they recognized his status as alpha male.

Pictured: Omega Male

At the rose ceremony, JoJo decides to keep Chad around because he’s not actually threat to her, so why the hell not? Instead, she sends home Nick B (formerly Santa), Ali, and Christian. They all seemed like decent people in spite of being thoroughly uninteresting.

After the ceremony, the show moves to rural Pennsylvania, presumably because California was over stimulating Evan. Once they land, JoJo decides to take Luke on a one on one date. The two enjoy some off-season dogsledding and a wood fired hot tub. While that may not sound particularly interesting, please remember that they’re in Pennsylvania. Beyond coal mining and third-rate sports teams there isn’t a whole lot to do there.

Unsurprisingly, Luke lives up to his good looks. He chops wood for JoJo, talks about his love for their shared home state of Texas, and even manages to throw in a couple stories about his time serving in Afghanistan. Man, it is going to be really depressing when Luke eventually gets sent home.

Luckily he's already got the mopey face down.

Next came the group date, which took 11 of the guys to Heinz Field to play football with several members of the Pittsburg Steelers. Greeting the guys were two-time Super Bowl winners and former Steelers players, Hines Ward and Bret Keisel. Also in attendance was two time Super Bowl winner and two-time sexual assault defendant Ben Roethlisberger. Man, is there anything he can’t do?

The guys are split up into two teams for a game of two hand touch with the winner earning more time with JoJo. Five minutes into the game, James Taylor gets a cut above his eye that requires stitches, but decides to play on anyways. Immediately after that, play had to be called to a stop for a second time because Evan got another nosebleed. If I could just say a word to him about this…

Evan, what is going on? Do you need help? Are you anemic or something? Why do you keep bleeding every time the sun shines on your face? Did your body finally realize how terrible your personality is and just give up? There are specialists you can see to help with this sort of thing.

If you're going to be accident prone, at least get an awesome bandage out of it.

Eventually, the team of Derek, Evan, Vinnie, Jordan, James Taylor, and Robbie win, heroically overcoming Evan’s uselessness. They meet up with JoJo later that evening. While on the date, Robbie and JoJo made out on a pool table, Jordan opened up emotionally, Derek continued to be my absolute favorite, James Taylor did cute shit, Vinnie managed to keep looking like a creep, and Evan bragged about how long he had gone without bleeding in public.

To the surprise of no one, Jordan received the date rose.

The final date of the evening was a two on one between Alex and Chad. Both marines were set to accompany JoJo on a hike through the Pennsylvania wilderness. And when I say “through the Pennsylvania wilderness” I mean “through the Pennsylvania wilderness.” Deciding that maps are for suckers, the three idiots start walking into the woods with no real clue as to where they are going. The guys make competing shows of manliness throughout their trek, helping JoJo over rocks and chopping already felled trees with a hatchet. That last one makes sense though; sometimes you just have to show a tree who’s the boss.

Eventually the trio make a mini camp by a river and JoJo pulls Alex aside to talk. He immediately begins telling her every insane thing that Chad has done in the house. Hearing about Chad’s penchant for violence must not have worried JoJo too much, because she returns Alex to the camp and immediately asks Chad to come talk to her alone in the woods. Are you insane, JoJo? Have you never seen a Lifetime movie? This is exactly how all those movies get their plot!

Jesus, Lifetime... What pervert wrote this nightmare?

JoJo tells Chad everything she has heard about him, and asks if it’s true. He says that he isn’t a violent guy, but that others keep pushing him and making him crazy. If saying “Why do you make me hurt you like this?” isn’t a giant red flag to JoJo, nothing is.

Once their time is up, JoJo sends Chad back to camp so she can think alone. This gave Chad a perfect opportunity to pick a fight with Alex, which he immediately does. Their argument spans everything from Chad not wanting people to talk shit about him, to milk, to who is more of a Marine.  This goes on for a while and ends with Chad yelling, “What personal things did I say about you, other than ‘you’re a piece of shit?’” It’s questions like these that make me think Chad might not actually be an evil guy, he just doesn’t know what words mean.

"What are all these three syllab... CHAD SMASH!"

Mercifully, JoJo returns to stop their bickering. After a short speech, she sends Chad home and returns to the house with Alex. While most sane humans would leave the show, Chad proceeds to navigate his way out of the now dark woods and walk all the way back to the house. The entire time he kept alternating between ominously whistling the same three notes and muttering things like, “she’s either an actress or a bitch.” I think Chad may literally be about to murder someone.

Unfortunately we’ll have to wait two weeks to find out. In the meantime remember, if you see Chad in the wild, don’t approach him.


Gossip Squirrel

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