Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Bachelorette: A Series of Unfortunate Events

Have you ever wondered how many bad decisions a person can witness in two hours? I don’t mean life altering bad decisions like taking out a student loan, or moving to Alabama. I mean everyday bad decisions which don’t ruin your life but simply betray your own stupidity. Tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette was a master course in what you just shouldn’t do. Ever. Let’s run through them all, shall we?

Bad decision #1: I chose to watch this show when I could have done literally anything else. There’s really no excuse for this, but if I’m going to call out everyone else for their own dumb thoughts, I can’t excuse my own.

Holy shit... am I an idiot?

The Bachelorette opens in Buenos Aires, Argentina where JoJo confesses to host and deus ex machina in human form, Chris Harrison, that she is nervous to actually develop feelings for some of the contestants. Chris tells her that she is right to feel nervous because this is a big deal. For some reason, this makes JoJo feel better. It’s really fucking weird.

At the house, Wells receives his first one on one date card of the season, which leads me to bad decision #2. After receiving the date card, Wells announces that he is the only remaining contestant who hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. To be clear, I’m not saying that not kissing someone before your first date is a bad idea, if anything it’s quite the opposite. What is a bad idea is telling your competition on this show any details about your personal life. Have you seen the absolute maniacs they find to take part in this nonsense? I wouldn’t even tell these people my real name. They put Chad on this show for Christ’s sake and he threatened to murder no less than five human beings. Why Wells has faith in the rest of these guys is beyond me.

He won't even let the bones of his enemies hit the ground...

The date itself was perhaps the only good decision made all evening. JoJo and Wells watched, and later took part in, a performance art piece called Brute Force. I have no idea what the themes of the piece were, because all we saw was Wells pretend to get shot, JoJo get thrown from a conveyor belt, and the couple play on a glorified slip n slide. It really doesn’t matter though, because Wells and JoJo shared an absolutely precious first kiss. Afterward, JoJo threw both hands in the air and yelled, “You did it Wells! That was perfect!” That should have been a huge red flag for Wells. No one wants their first kiss to be met with the same enthusiasm of a toddler pooping mostly in a toilet.

In case you were feeling in any way optimistic about this episode, just give it up, because here comes bad decision #3: Wells tells JoJo how he actually feels. During the dinner portion of the date, Wells says that he isn’t looking for a relationship with undying passion, because passion fades over time. He’s looking for someone he can grow old with and love forever. Oh silly Wells, don’t you know there is a script to follow here? If only you’d just reflected JoJo’s own opinions back to her you might still be around.

It's almost like he didn't know this whole thing was insane...

Bad decision #4 came when JoJo said she didn’t think passion has to fade in a relationship and wants someone with whom she is excited to see every morning. Obviously this is an unrealistic expectation for both herself and her significant other. Unless JoJo is both a morning person and has long-term amnesia, there is no way she can wake up excited every morning to see the same person in her bed for 40 years. I actually strongly believe in this point so if someone could pass this blog onto JoJo I’d really appreciate it.

JoJo decides not to give Wells a rose because of his nominal understanding of human emotions and sends him home. Instead of also going home for the night, JoJo decides to attend a performance of the very show she and Wells took part in earlier that day. While watching the show, JoJo immediately regrets her decision to send Wells home because her dating strategy hasn’t worked out in the past. There’s bad decision #5, everyone. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results, then JoJo is beyond insane.

Pictured: a sane woman.

After sending the one dateable guy on the show home, JoJo decides to take the remaining misfits out on a group date. She walks the streets of Buenos Aires, window shopping, while her boyfriends jostle for time with her. This is bad decision #6. Even though it’s been happening all season, competing with other guys for the love of a stranger really isn’t a good idea. I know it’s the basis of the show, but just in case you forgot, I think this is a stupid show.

Later on in the date, the guys are challenged to a penalty kick shootout by a group of locals with the prize being a kiss from JoJo. Bad decision #6 is letting a group strangers auction off your body in feats of physical prowess. Come on, JoJo. I shouldn’t have to list that one out for you.

James Taylor is the sole winner of the penalty kick shootout. At least someone in Argentina can score a goal.

I'm looking at you, Messi.

Bad decision #7 came during the group date dinner. Luke sat down with JoJo and told her that he had feelings for her through a five-minute series of half formed thoughts. If you’re as stupid as Luke, you probably shouldn’t talk.

Later on during the date, James Taylor said, “He, you know. We were playing cards… I said a rule was this way, and he said it wasn’t. He’s Jordan Rodgers.” If that made no sense to you then join the club. I think what he meant to say was, “Jordan is an entitled piece of shit” but there’s no way to know for sure, because James Taylor just word barfed down the front of his shirt. Bad decision #8: don’t speak without thinking.

Bad Decision #9: Don't be named after this guy.

When confronted with the accusations against him, Jordan laughs it off and says it was nothing. He also claims to not know what the word “entitled” means, which doesn’t prove he isn’t entitled, but does prove he is stupid. Like Luke, Jordan spends way too long explaining his actions for us to not believe he’s either stupid or an asshole.

In the end, JoJo gives a rose to Luke for the passion he showed her. I’m going to call this bad decision #9.5 because Luke, while incredibly stupid, is really, really hot.

Seriously though... he's pretty hot.

The final date of the evening is a two on one date between Chase and Derek. Chase spends every waking moment leading up to the date shit talking Derek. Derek, on the other hand, decides to spend several minutes of his life talking about how much better he is than Chase. This non-interpersonal argument goes on for literally minutes, which leads me to bad decision #10.5. Bachelorette producers, don’t make people do this shit. I mean obviously your sole purpose is to denigrate the human soul for money, but don’t do it like this. At least force your contestants into some golden fiddle contest, at least that way they end up with something valuable at the end of the competition.

The date consists mostly of the guys pretending to learn how to dance the tango. Derek learns quickly and is self confident in his relationship with JoJo. Chase, on the other hand, doesn’t learn at all, and spouts off random nonsense words before declaring that no one gets him. This is apparently enough to ensure that he stays as Derek is immediately kicked off following this segment. I, meanwhile, beat my head against the nearest hard object for deciding to do this nonsense.

I wish I could say this was hyperbole

To be clear, I make no money for doing this and Derek makes thousands of monies for not doing this. Bad decision #11.5: everything I’ve ever done.

JoJo sends Derek home for no discernable reason other than he lacks the bone structure of Chase. I, meanwhile, watch expecting something interesting to happen. Bad decision 12.5. I’m really on a role here!

The final rose ceremony comes and goes without JoJo making any real decisions. She briefly considers eliminating either Alex or James Taylor but decides to keep both of them around in the name of laziness. That’s right, instead of eliminating the two guys JoJo isn’t interested in, she keeps them around because otherwise there would be an odd number of guys. Can you imagine? An odd number of guys? That would be ridiculous! I mean sure it makes sent to submit a group of strangers to a series of emotionally tortuous and unnecessary challenges to win the affection of someone who likely won’t reciprocate once the show is over, no one is questioning that. But can you imagine doing all that with an odd number of guys on the show? Absolutely insane!

Bad decision number 13.5: me deciding to write this blog.


Gossip Squirrel

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