Tuesday, July 12, 2016

The Bachelorette: I Don't Know What The Fuck I'm Doing

It’s been a weird week for me. Between being off last week and spending most of my time this week making fun of the influx of 14 year-olds running through town trying to catch invisible Pokémon, I nearly forgot to watch last night’s episode of The Bachelorette. There was something deeply satisfying in watching squinty teenagers who hadn’t seen the sun in weeks amble by my office window in search of a Jigglypuff. In fact, I wanted to devote this entire post to making fun of them. Then I remembered that while they were getting exercise outdoors, I was sitting under fluorescent lights writing about the dumbest show I have ever seen.

Wait... Why am I doing this?

This week’s episode opened with a surprisingly astute observation from real life Ken doll, Robbie. As he puts it, “this show is an emotional roller coaster.” While Robbie is normally more boring than an actual Ken doll, he’s right on this point. Much like an actual roller coaster, The Bachelorette is unpredictable, creates the illusion of importance, and in the end drops you off right where you started. This certainly isn’t what Robbie meant but that doesn’t make him any less right.

After arriving in the destination of the week, Argentina, Chris Harrison approaches the guys to let them know that there will be not two, but three one-on-one dates this week. Both the contestants and myself were upset about this. The guys realized that this meant things were getting serious between them and JoJo and there was no longer any room to hide behind the format of the show if they wanted to stay. Alternatively, I realized that I had to watch a group of idiots repeat meaningless “I love you’s” to a woman who was a borderline stranger. Pokémon Go is looking pretty good right about now.

"I'm gonna catch me a Hodor... or whatever."

The first solo date of the evening goes to Alex, who has been complaining for weeks about not having enough time with JoJo. The two head to an Argentine ranch where they will learn about the Gaucho lifestyle. While traveling, Alex promptly makes good use of their date time by eating as many Pringles as he can, and pointing out things he can see from their car window. It’s no wonder JoJo hasn’t gone on a date with Alex yet; he’s already acting like more of a little brother than a grown man worthy of a fantasy suite.

Once at the ranch, JoJo and Alex learn about the Gaucho lifestyle, which apparently consists of spooning horses and looking fabulous in XXL pants. The couple dons their ceremonial Gaucho attire and watch a demonstration of a real-life Gaucho’s relationship with a horse. Within minutes, the Gaucho is able to make the horse lie down and perform a variety of tricks. JoJo and Alex then decide they want to try to tame the horse, and proceed to lie down next to it. They immediately begin making out on top of the prone equestrian. Even the horse realizes that this wasn’t even a trick in the streetwalking sense and lies perfectly still with a panicked look in its eyes.

"For the love of God... make him put it away!"

With the horse fucking behind them, Alex and JoJo sit down to dinner. Alex immediately proclaims that this is the happiest day of his life and that he loves JoJo. Look, I get that hyperbole is a thing (just read any sentence of this blog) but to say that your first date with a woman is the happiest moment of your life straddles a line between sad and psychosis.

JoJo immediately picks up on Alex’s insanity and tells him that she doesn’t feel as strongly about him. As much as she thinks he’s a great guy (he isn’t),she just can’t reciprocate his feelings. With heavy heart, JoJo sends Alex home to creep out other women.

After Alex left, literally unceremoniously, JoJo took Jordan to a vineyard for her next date. Jordan attempts to get out in front of the rumors that he is a spoiled little brat by telling JoJo that all the guys in the house think he is a spoiled little brat. He then tells her that he couldn’t possibly be a spoiled little brat because his famous older brother doesn’t like him. Somehow this strategy works.

Clearly it doesn't take much to impress JoJo

JoJo is soothed by Jordan’s clueless remarks (and apparent hatred of the Green Bay Packers) and challenges him to a grape stomping competition. After the two have mangled grapes with their feet, they drink the foot juice because they are so drunk on actual wine they can no longer tell the difference.

Non-accomplished Jordan finishes throwing his accomplished brother under the bus just in time for the group date. Because it is raining, and The Bachelorette producers are unfamiliar with the idea of a contingency plan, JoJo takes Chance, Robbie, and James Taylor back to her suite for a faux-slumber party. Never having been to a slumber party, James Taylor immediately tries to fit as many french fries into his mouth as possible. Like James Taylor, I have never been invited to a slumber party. Unlike James Taylor, I am not stupid enough to play a game of “see how big my mouth is” in front of my crush.

The date continues with a game of truth or dare. JoJo dares Robbie to run through the halls in his underwear, which the former swimmer nervously accepts. Robbie talks about what an uncomfortable situation this is before taking off his shirt to reveal impeccably tight six pack abs. I get that Robbie was nervous, but if you want to see true courage, challenge a 28 year-old Bachelor blogger with a gut to run around half-naked. That takes true courage.

This man is my god.

Midway through the date, James Taylor tattles on Robbie for looking at other women when JoJo isn’t around. Robbie denies the accusations while nervously laughing and avoiding contact. James Taylor revels in destroying another human’s joy. Chase silently stares into space. Basically no one looked good during the date.

In the end, JoJo gives the date rose to Robbie. Chase and James Taylor leave confused about how she could have a significant connection with another guy. It’s now deep enough in this post for me to get real salty and say that no one on this show can conceive of a world without themselves in it and should be doomed to die alone.

 Now that that is out of my system…

Who am I kidding? This will never be out of my system.

The final date of the evening was Luke’s. He and JoJo spent all of eight minutes riding horses and trap shooting before she sent him home. Apparently it only took JoJo one commercial break to decide that Luke’s tight butt was worth keeping around. I wish I could write more about the date, but that was basically it.  JoJo was so enthralled by Luke’s butt she cut short the entire episode just to move closer to the fantasy suite.

With her mind made up, JoJo arrives at the rose ceremony and swiftly eliminates delta male James Taylor, who has been lamenting his role on the show since week one. He and JoJo share a tearful goodbye before he is escorted to a car and sent home.

Watching The Bachelorette for two hours and writing for four hours has made one thing abundantly clear. I need to get outside. Pokemon Go, here I come.

Gossip Squirrel

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