Longtime readers of This
is Brutal may remember that I have a mild obsession with Salvador Dali and
Surrealist art in general. At its best, Surrealism is contradictory,
unpredictable, and often totally meaningless. It is a clash between structure
and anarchy, form and chaos. Surrealism feels like a half-woken dream where
nothing quite makes sense, but nothing is also explicitly wrong either. Keep all
that in mind when I say that Bachelor in
Paradise is a brilliant piece of Surrealist art.
I’m not kidding.
Just look at this grotesque painting and tell me this isn't some sort of art piece.
The third season of Bachelor
in Paradise remains as good as ever. Chris Harrison is still wearing his
“Vacation Dad” outfits, Bartender Jorge is still wildly over serving the
contestants, and the intro is still full of ‘80s camp. One new addition to the
show was having to watch bachelor from JoJo’s season, Evan, eat a banana in the
most upsetting way possible. That image will haunt me until I die.
"It's a banana! Stop sucking on it!"
Former contestant and current single mother Amanda arrives
first in Paradise, quickly followed by two-time runner-up Nick, and American
hero Jubilee. They talk briefly before Evan, the aforementioned banana muncher,
arrives. Nick refers to Evan as, “the penis guy,” while Jubilee calls him, “slightly
cuter in person.” I’m certain that these are much nicer things than Evan is
normally called on a daily basis.
Cast members continue to arrive including JoJo rejects
(Vinny, Grant, and Daniel), Ben Higgins rejects (Twins, Emily and Hayley, Lace,
and Izzy), and even Bachelor in Paradise
rejects (Carly and Sarah.) All in all it’s a pretty reject heavy show.
You really start scraping the bottom of the barrel after season two, huh?
Once everyone is settled in, the cast gets to mingling. Daniel
immediately sets himself apart as someone to watch when he says, “Lets rank the
girls… I love ranking girls,” before comparing them to rotten, spoiled fruit.
Is that how rankings work in Canada? I assumed they used numbers like every
other country on earth but it turns out Canadians count using degrees of
rotting fruit. Who knew?
Daniel also spends several minutes trying to guess Izzy’s age
after she repeatedly told him she was 25. I’m not sure what is going on with
Daniel to make him say this many stupid things in a row, but my working theory
is that he is actually a complex animatronic robot being controlled by a team
of drunk raccoons. Yes, that may sound stupid, it makes as much sense as
anything Daniel said all night.
Just as Daniel is about to solidify his role as the
stupidest person on this show, the final contestant arrives and steals it from
him. Chad. That’s right; “Chad Bear,” “The Chad,” “Satan Incarnate”. Whatever
you want to call him, Chad has arrived. He makes a beeline for fellow idiot,
Daniel, to play fight in the surf and talk about which of the women are the
hottest. The pair also comes to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be so bad to be
Hitler or Mussolini because, “at least they were rich.” To be fair, being a fascist
dictator is a lot more fun than being anyone but a fascist dictator, so they do
have a point.
Heil Chad and Viva Il Daniel
On the other, less racist side of Paradise, Jubilee has
received the first date card of the season. She asks newcomer heartthrob Jared
to join her and he graciously accepts. The two walk to a nearby outcropping
resplendently decorated with piñatas and sit down for a quick dinner.
Jubilee and Jared compare their nerd credentials and talk
about which Lord of the Rings character they most relate to. Jared claims he is
more of an Aragon-type, which is obviously bullshit. Jared is Boromir at best, and a fancy Sméagol at worst.
Shave that beard, and you've basically got Sméagol in a v-neck.
Midway through their dinner, a clown jumps out from its
hiding place behind some piñatas to surprise the happy couple. After Jubilee’s
panicked screaming died down, the clown stared at them for several moments,
wheezed something in a high-pitched voice, and then wandered off into the
night. I genuinely don’t know if that clown was intended to be part of the
show, or if Jubilee and Jared just missed becoming an aspiring psychopath’s
first kills.
Other couples begin forming during this time as well. Nick
spends most of the first night talking to Amanda, while Vinny and Izzy spend
the better part of an hour making out in the ocean. None of this, however,
compares to the one night power couple of Lace and Chad. You remember Lace,
right? The soberly sweet, drunken self-destructive force of nature who once
yelled at a man for not looking her in the eyes? Yeah, she got drunk and decided
to spend her first night in Paradise groping/slapping/kissing Chad the human
nightmare machine.
What could go wrong?
As it turns out, everything could go wrong. After scaring
everyone else out of the pool with their aggressive tongue fighting, Chad
grabbed Lace by the waist and started violently shaking her and shouting, “I
got money! I got muscles! I got money! I got muscles!” Lace slaps Chad for
shaking her so violently and then proceeds to make out with him again. While
they are kissing, Daniel appears from out of the woods and stares down at them
saying, “Oh, you two are getting it on, eh?” If reading this seems like an
insane series of unrelated events, then congratulations. Now you know how it
felt to watch it.
This feels like a war crime.
The kiss-fighting continues for several minutes more before
Chad randomly tells Lace he will “throw you under a bus.” This angers Lace for
some inexplicable reason, and she storms off leaving Chad alone, drunk, and
angry.
Incensed by Lace’s rejection, Chad then goes on an alcohol
fueled rampage consisting of, but not limited to, the following:
- Calling Lace a “bitch” to her face.
- Calling Sarah a “one armed bitch” to her face.
- Telling Sarah to “suck a dick.”
- Trying to fight Evan.
- Trying to fight Daniel.
- Snorting like a bear while walking along the beach.
- Passing out with beach crabs in his hair.
- Waking up with no underwear on.
- Pooping his pants.
I’m sure that list could easily be twice as long, but you
definitely get the general idea by now.
To be fair, no one told Chad that attempted murder was against the rules.
The next morning, Chris Harrison summons the contestants for
an impromptu house meeting to discuss Chad’s antics. As Chris confronts Chad
with the previously mentioned list of drunken antics, Chad casually laughs each
off a joke. Given how drunk he was the night before, he’s probably hearing all
of this for the first time, which would honestly be pretty entertaining. It
certainly doesn’t excuse his actions, but I at least gets why he thinks it’s
funny.
Then again, he did make fun of a girl for having only one
arm, so never mind. Fuck him.
The high point of the episode (and potentially my life) came
when Chris Harrison was forced to repeat the things Chad had said to the hotel
staff. “Chad,” he said in his best dad voice, “You told everyone at the hotel
to suck a dick.” Yeah. Take that in.
Chris Harrison said the words, “suck a dick” in primetime. Even thinking about
it now makes me feel all warm inside like Christmas morning.
How long do you think he practiced saying "suck a dick" before calling that meeting?
After pleading with Lace to try and keep him on the show,
Chad is finally kicked out. As he wanders through the jungle, smashing mic
packs and cursing at fleeing crabs, At one point, Chad wheels around to scream
at Chris Harrison, “You fell asleep last night in a robe with a mimosa.” He yells
this as if it’s an insult and not the most fantastic way to fall asleep
imaginable.
Even after writing a full recap to this episode, I really
don’t think I can recall more than two things that happened. I know Chad went
insane and Daniel is incredibly stupid but beyond that the entire night seemed
to be one long non-sequitor. None of it seemed grounded in any known reality
and left me feeling both incredulous and excited about what would happen next. But
that’s what’s great about Surrealist art. You might only remember one or two
details of a piece, but it leaves a feeling you can carry around for weeks on
end and never tire of.
I fucking love Bachelor
in Paradise.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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Daniel is a pig he's not all that, a great body is not everything. He is very disrespectful towards women.
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