I
don’t know if you’ve seen it, but there’s this new thing out where a group of
miscreants battle against an unseen, largely unthreatening force. You would
think I was talking about Suicide Squad,
right? Wrong. The force is alcoholism and the thing is Bachelor in Paradise. Also, both things are sexist nightmares with
no real semblance of plot and an advertised character missing from 90% of the
show.
Other
than that they’re both great.
Not functionally different from any of the women in Paradise.
A
quick note before we begin. Am I insane, or does the Bachelor in
Paradise intro now feature off key singing? It could just be my
tendency to overanalyze the show, but the title sequence now seems to feature
near Kidz Bop level warbling.
Anyways, Bachelor
in Paradise opens with Chad's ongoing departure. Chad tells Chris
Harrison he is going to Tijuana and that, "Everyone liked me until they
were told not to." In reality, Chad is going to the airport and everyone
pretty much hated him before he even arrived in Paradise. Chad also is upset
that he can no longer be on The Bachelor, which is like the
Secretary of Veterans Affairs wanting to be president. It's not that it can't
happen, but a lot of people are going to have to die first.
It's Robert A McDonald. Yes he looks that weird, and don't worry. 17 specific people would have to die before he became our next president.
With
Chad gone, life in Paradise returns to its somewhat skewed version of normalcy.
The remaining contestants frantically grab their drinks (it's been almost 10
excruciating hours of sobriety) and eagerly await the arrival of the next
bachelorette. Unfortunately for them, and everyone watching the show, Leah is
the next to arrive in Paradise. You remember Leah, right? She's the woman who
didn't say anything to Ben Higgins for weeks and then told a weird lie about
his now-fiancée before being kicked off the show.
In
keeping with her tradition of doing very stupid things, Leah immediately
announces that she wants to take Chad on a date. Everyone tells her not only is
she insane for wanting such a thing, but that Chad has already been kicked off
the show. It takes a while for Leah to fully understand this second point,
mostly because the first is definitely true.
After
much hemming and hawing, Leah decides to take Nick on a date. The two leave
Paradise and arrive at "Festival de Margarita" which is almost certainly
a made up event for this show. While walking through the festival, Leah gushes
over Nick and his "lumberjack" aesthetic. Nick, on the other hand,
tries his best not to look bored. He fails miserably, but that doesn't stop
Leah from grabbing his face for an extended make out session as the date came
to a close. Make out session might not be entirely accurate now that I think
about it. Full-scale tongue-assault is probably the better term.
Pictured: World's worst lumberjack.
Speaking
of assault, Chad’s former partner in domestic abuse, Lace, is celebrating her
newfound singleness by drinking alone at the bar. She downs a series of shots
before complaining of her loneliness to bartender Jorge, and again before
complaining to Vinny, and again before complaining to Grant. By
the end, Lace wasn’t so much complaining as she was slurring through her tears.
Grant pretended to understand and offered her some vague compliments about her
character as a person, which is all it apparently took to make them an official
couple.
Upon
their return to Paradise, Leah immediately begins bragging about their
connection while Nick largely avoids the topic. The producers then give Nick a
surprise date card in part for being a good sport, but also to see if they can
make Leah cry when he inevitably doesn't choose her. Nick chooses Amanda,
whom he has spent most of the episode raving about. Leah cries and then manically
laughs while accusing Amanda of “stealing my life!” Well done, producers.
How I imagine their sarcastic bowing.
Nick and Amanda’s date
was hands down the sole moment of normalcy in an otherwise insane show. They
ate dinner and discussed what they wanted out of both a relationship and life
in general before grabbing drinks and sitting beside a bonfire. At one point
Nick said, “I love fire!” which would normally be an insane thing to say, but
considering he had been drinking all day, I will give him a pass on.
Back in Paradise, Carly
is becoming desperate. She has not yet made a significant connection with
anyone and is worried that she is on the verge of being sent home.
Half-sarcastically, she wonders out loud what kissing Evan would be like. She
has elements of his personality that she likes, but wishes he would be more
masculine in his demeanor (don’t we all). Full of booze and scientific
curiosity, Carly musters up the gumption to kiss Evan one night before bed. He
is giddy as a schoolboy and cannot keep from running along the beach at the
excitement of kissing an actual human girl. Carly is less enthusiastic, saying,
“He can’t even get it together for one kiss.”
For the record, it's like kissing a moist towlette.
Meanwhile, Daniel watches
Lace and Grant make out, saying, “Oh they’re really going at it.” Is this just
what Daniel does now? In each of the episodes this season, Daniel has creepily
stood over a couple and narrated their romantic activities as if this was a
thing normal people do. I haven’t been to Canada in a long time, but I sure
don’t remember anyone publically recording erotic audio books wherever they
went.
Lace and Grant remain
unfazed and continue making out in the face of Daniel’s sheer awkwardness.
Eventually the two retire to Lace’s room where she takes several drunken pulls
from a bottle of vodka before joining Grant in bed. They continue to make out
before realizing they were being filmed and covering the offending camera with
a blanket. After several seconds of badly dubbed moaning and heavy breathing,
the blanket falls off the camera to reveal Grant and Lace still in their
swimsuits, clearly not fucking. I’d say “Nice try, producers,” but since they
were the ones who literally undid their own lie, I’m not sure it merits
anything more than a heavy sigh.
Idris Elba deserves the heaviest of sighs.
Mercifully, the rose
ceremony is upon us. Chris Harrison reminds us that the twins (Emily and Haley)
are a package deal. This of course makes no sense unless they are both planning
to fuck the same guy, which unfortunately wouldn’t surprise me as much as it
should.
During the pre-rose
ceremony cocktail party, Sarah tells Vinny that she really likes him but is
worried she won’t get a rose. To calm her nerves, Vinny kisses Sarah. Later,
Izzy tells Vinny that she really likes him but is worried she won’t get a rose.
To calm her nerves, Vinny kisses Izzy. Kissing two girls back to back before a
rose ceremony is a pretty bold move for a guy who has said a grand total of 15
words in both The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. My current theory
is that Vinny has no object permanence and immediately forgets about any woman
not directly in front of his face.
Vinny, assuming he is now single.
Leah uses the party to
make one last desperate attempt to win back the favor of Nick. “I know you’ve
been through this many times… more than you ever should have,” she says of
Nick’s experience on Bachelor shows.
Leah then says that she would be a better match for Nick than Amanda because
she isn’t a single mother. Having heard enough, Nick cuts Leah off in order to
let her know that his rose will be going to Amanda this week. I can only assume
this was because it’s not nice to point out someone’s most embarrassing moments
and in the same breath denigrate single mothers as unworthy of love. But again,
that’s only my assumption.
With most of the roses
locked up, the one remaining wild card is Daniel. For all Daniel’s stupidity,
he does manage to understand that his rose is the final one up for bid. He
initially approaches Leah, who says she “has many layers, like an onion.”
Daniel responds by saying Leah “has one layer… like an orange.” I’m not sure
what he meant by that, but Leah wanders off confused and rose-less. If this was
confusing to read, don’t worry. It was confusing to write as well.
It's not scoliosis. He just stands like that.
Eventually the moment of truth
arrives. Grant picks Lace and Nick picks Amanda. Evan is still awestruck by
Carly and picks her, while Jared picks Emily for some unknown reason. Vinny
picks Izzy, presumably because she was the most recent woman he had seen.
Finally, Daniel picks Sarah, because his mind is a deep hole full of mysteries.
Leah and Jubilee are
tearfully sent home. I’d like to say I was sad to see them both go, but that
would be a lie. Every moment of Leah on the screen was pure agony and I forgot
Jubilee was even on the show until this moment. Enjoy your post-paradise lives,
ladies.
Goodbye Jubilee. You will always be remembered as having an irrational fear of clowns.
The next morning arrives
with a gladiatorial fanfare and the arrival of Josh Murray, the winner from
Andi Dorfman’s season. Josh greets Chris Harrison and tells him that he is
excited to be here, “Because the process has worked before.” While it’s a nice
sentiment, the process obviously didn’t work or he wouldn’t be here.
Within minutes, Josh
realizes that Nick is into Amanda and decides to ruin his life. Josh sits down
to talk with Amanda, who tells him that she has two daughters, both of whom she
misses very much. Josh counters with the fact that he has an old, cancer-ridden
dog, so he basically knows how she feels. Amanda accepts this response as not
completely insulting and agrees to go on a date with Josh. In similar news, I
have recently lost respect for single parents everywhere.
"Like most parents, I too have had dreams snatched from me."
The date itself was
exactly what you would expect. Josh tells Amanda the rumors that he called Andi
a “slut” and was a general dickhole to her are completely unfounded. Amanda
chooses to believe Josh because he is closer in proximity to her than Andi is
and therefore must be more honest. The two then make out on a boat for entirely
too long.
While Josh and Amanda are
making out to an uncomfortable degree, an equally uncomfortable relationship is
forming between Evan and Carly. Evan has decided to drag Carly on a date where
they will be challenged to each eat a habanero pepper and then kiss for over 90
seconds in order to break a Guinness World
Record. Keep in mind; Carly could have ducked out of this date at any
point. The habanero pepper, the extended kissing, and Evan’s presence were all
more than acceptable reasons to avoid a date. Instead she decided to hang in
there and literally kiss Evan until she puked. Well done, Carly.
Carly has been at this level of excitement since she left Chris Soules.
The episode ends with
Josh and Nick in an awkward conversation. Josh lists a variety of Bachelor catchphrases in no particular
order (something to the tune of, “I’m here for love though I was skeptical of
the process and just want to get to know everyone for the right reasons.”)
eventually ending with the idea that he and Amanda are very happy. Josh
reiterates Amanda’s disinterest in Nick several times, punctuating each with
“Just so you know.” When Nick accuses Josh of being a pompous asshole, Josh
replies with “only God knows the truth,
bro.” At this point he’s become Donald Trump, if Trump believed in a higher power
outside of himself.
One thing that is already
setting me off about this season is the lack of heroes. Previous seasons of Bachelor in Paradise saw Marcus and
Lacey or Jade and Tanner as immediate, long-term power couples anyone could
root for. This season sees a handful of barely passable, mostly alcoholic
miscreants running around a beach with no discernable plot or progressive
storyline. In a matter of one week, Bachelor
in Paradise has become Suicide Squad, with somehow less of a plot and fewer interesting
characters.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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