We are only in our second week of Bachelor in Paradise and I’m already a sleep deprived, cranky mess. Granted that isn’t much different from my usual demeanor, but Paradise’s move to two nights a week has really intensified my usual crankiness. And before you say anything, yes I understand that complaining about how much time my completely voluntary blog eats up is really stupid. But complaining is about 95% of this blog, and I’m really starting to get good at it.
What this blog is basically becoming.
For what it’s worth, Daniel was absolutely the star of this shortened episode. He opened the show by repeatedly miscounting his own abs before trying to convince Nick to start a fight with Josh. Daniel also offers to help Evan “be less Evan-ish,” which I think is the polite, Canadian way of saying “less of a sniveling dweeb.” If Daniel isn’t the next Bachelor, I will be severely disappointed.
The women are handing out roses this week which means two new men will be arriving in Paradise. First to arrive is Christian from JoJo’s season. Christian is what I imagine the Cheshire Cat would look like if you shaved it and made it lift weights for three hours a day.
You can't smile like that in your underwear, Christian. People think it's creepy.
Christian pulls the guys aside to ask if there are any preexisting relationships to avoid causing unnecessary drama. Josh immediately claims he and Amanda are in a serious relationship despite having known her for less than 24 hours. Daniel points at Sarah mutters something about a rose to which Christian responds, “Cool cool,” before promptly asking Sarah on a date. I would call this a dick move on Christian’s part but his infectious smiling made everything seem ok. Christian could kick my dog and so long as he kept smiling I’d probably just wave and smile back.
His date with Sarah was also about as perfect as a Bachelor in Paradise date can get. They zip lined, rappelled, and hiked through the Mexican jungle before making out underneath a waterfall. As if he could sense their happiness, Daniel becomes bitter and says, “Looks like the male birds are swooping down to get scraps. I’m an eagle.” Setting aside the weirdness of the term “male birds,” Daniel definitely just called Sarah “scraps”, right? I'd expect that from Chad, but not simple Daniel. Work on your metaphor next time, buddy.
Aww. I can't stay mad at you.
While one relationship is beginning, another is coming to an end. Carly has finally decided to end the non-relationship she had with Evan due to his being a real creep. “I want to be your friend,” she tells a barely-keeping-it-together Evan, “I’m not romantically interested at all.” After holding back his tears for several seconds, Evan finally retreats to his room to cry in solitude. In case you don’t understand just how hard Evan is taking this, at one point he asks “should I end it all now?” Evan is either talking about leaving the show or filling his pockets with rocks and Virginia Woolf-ing himself all because a girl doesn’t want to kiss him.
With Evan now depressingly pathetic, the producers try to liven things up with a new contestant. Enter, Brandon, a contestant from Desiree’s season who… that’s actually all I know about this guy. It’s also all Chris Harrison claims to know about him as well, asking Brandon, “What would I know you from?” Brandon immediately lets out a deep sigh and realizes that he is going to be the butt of many jokes in the coming days. Man, I really love it when Chris Harrison is a dick to contestants for no good reason.
"The man who has no real power, but wields it like a dictator."
As it turns out, Brandon actually knows Carly’s brother, who was also on Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette. The two briefly talk and Carly quickly becomes enamored with Brandon while not so secretly hoping he will ask her out. Instead, Brandon asks out Haley because it’s weird to date your friend’s sister and if Evan saw Carly leave with another man he might suffer a fatal nosebleed.
Brandon and Haley sit down to dinner but little does he know Haley has a trick up her sleeve. Her twin sister has snuck along on the date for a little “switcheroo” or as I call it, “twincest.” Midway through the date, Haley excuses herself to the bathroom where she meets Emily and the two switch outfits. Emily returns to the date with Brandon none the wiser. I’m not sure what this was supposed to prove other than the fact that they really, really look alike, but they can rest easy knowing they proved it in the creepiest way possible.
Fuck you for not immediately noticing minute details about these two strangers.
Back in Paradise, Evan has stopped feeling sorry for himself just long enough to do something really stupid. He writes, “You deserve love,” in a notebook until he believes it and then marches directly up to Josh and Amanda who are now in hour 9 of making out that day. You see, somehow Evan got it in his head that he needed to ask out Amanda even though she was already romantically linked to two much larger, better looking men. His courage is obviously misplaced, but still impressive. That is exactly the kind of behavior that gets your genes suddenly removed from the evolutionary timeline.
The episode ends before we get to see Evan carry out his stupid plan. I am legitimately excited to see what “tough guy Evan” looks like next week. Tough guy Evan probably drinks coffee, eats steak, and only cries a little when he gets a splinter. Can you even imagine such a cool dude? No, really. Can you? Because I honestly don’t think Evan can.