Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise: Look At His Ass Stick Out

Did anything at all happen in last night's episode of Bachelor in Paradise? I know I watched it because I took about a page of chicken scratch notes, but I honestly don't remember anything happening. Maybe I got hit in the head with a frying pan and forgot everything I had just seen? Or maybe the announcement of Nick Vial as the next Bachelor got me so excited I intentionally forgot that happened on this stupid show. Either way, join me, won't you, as I rediscover what I did with my Tuesday night.

Whatever happened, I'm willing to bet it involved this human train wreck.

The episode begins with Caila packing her bags to leave Paradise. After weeks of being harassed by Ashley I, Paradise's resident psychopath, Caila has finally reached her breaking point. She tells Jared that he can come if she wants, but she is packing her bags and leaving. For the first time all season, Jared seems to realize that Ashley I is deeply annoying and runs off to yell at her.

Before Jared has a chance to vent his frustrations with Ashley I, she bursts into tears at the very thought of him being upset with her. "You think I did this to destroy you," Ashley I sobs, both completely missing his point and vastly overestimating her capacity for destruction. Finally free of his lifelong romantic villain, Jared says a terse goodbye and leaves to find Caila.

In a rare moment of cuteness, which Bachelor in Paradise so often lacks, Jared finds Caila in a van leaving Paradise. He chases the vehicle to a stop before announcing to Caila that he has decided to leave Paradise with her. The two share a revelatory moment before each falling silent and staring vacantly into the middle distance. It's almost as if I've seen this exact scenario in a movie before…

Honestly, was it supposed to be an homage?

As Jared and Caila leave, Wells and Jami return from their date. Although Wells was initially excited after his date with Jami, his enthusiasm fades when he realizes he will now have to talk to Ashley I about said date. “So are you just mingling around with everyone?” Ashley asks, apparently unclear on the premise of the show. Wells says that he is and prepares for a flood of tears from Ashley I. The tears never come, however, because Ashley I is trying a new strategy involving composure and not being a psychotic maniac to win over Wells. The strategy seems to be working too, although I’m not surprised that attention from boys motivates Ashley I more than basic human decency.

Later that afternoon, two new contestants arrive in Paradise: Shushanna and Lauren. Both from Ben Higgin’s season, they immediately catch the attention of the longtime Paradise residents with their double date card. After briefly talking to the other women, Lauren and Shushanna decide to take Brett and Wells on their date, mostly because they were the only two vaguely single guys left. Needless to say, Ashley I nearly imploded when she heard the news.

On the double date, the couples traveled to a nearby beach to take surfing lessons. Watching these four learning how to surf for the first time combined all the excitement of watching surfing with failure. Honestly, the only entertaining part of this segment was Wells watching Brett try to surf and yelling, “Look at his ass stick out!” I don’t really have a joke for that, it’s just a really weird thing to yell on a date.

"You did see that he's got a butt though, right?"

In Paradise, Evan and Carly make out for a while before Evan has to cover himself with a towel because of his erection. This was truly one of the most horrific things I’ve ever seen on TV, and I’m including The Big Bang Theory in that list.

Once Wells returns with the others, it becomes immediately apparent that he has no idea what he is doing. Having kissed Shushanna on the double date, he feels it would be wise to talk to both Jami and Ashley I to see how they are feeling. He pulls Jami aside, reassures her and then makes out with her for several minutes. Later, he pulls Ashley I aside, doesn’t even bother to reassure her before making out with her for several minutes. Wells, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were only in this to grope women on the beach.

Loves hugging bitches.

Either that’s where the episode ended, or that’s where I stopped taking notes. Honestly, even after writing all of this, I still can’t remember a single thing of importance that happened last night during Bachelor in Paradise. I’m ok with that, too. From what my notes say, it doesn’t look like I missed out on much.


Gossip Squirrel

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