I have been writing (often angrily) about The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise for
a little over two years now and it feels like at least one and a half of those
years have been devoted to describing the human waterfall that is Ashley I.
Despite everything I've written about her in that time, I've secretly always
had a bit of a soft spot for Ashley I's delusional antics. There was something
about her complete disregard for reality that made her a wild card and kept the
shows interesting. Annoying as she may be, Ashley I has always been a welcome
source of chaos. That is, until last night…
Also, boogers.
Last night's episode of Bachelor in
Paradise begins in the still toxic fall out of the Jared/Caila/Ashley
I debacle from last week. Ashley I and Caila agree not to speak to each other
anymore, in order not to further humiliate Ashley I. This seemingly amicable
agreement predictably ends with Ashley I running to Jared in tears, saying that
she doesn't actually hate Caila, she just can't stand to see Jared with anyone
else. Jared tells Ashley I that she, "Shouldn't feel stupid," which
is blatantly wrong. She absolutely should.
To be fair, why else would she have that shirt?
Ashley I mopes around the beach for a time,
eventually explaining to the audience that the reason she is acting out is
because her dog recently died. "I know all dogs go to heaven," Ashley
I says through tears, "Although she is actually in a jar in my
house." Setting aside the fact that a dog actually goes to Hell in that
movie, I'm actually surprised Ashley I didn't stuff the dog and bring it with
her to Paradise. Anything less than that seems too well adjusted for her.
Wells is the next contestant to arrive in
Paradise, and brings with him an optimism that has not been felt in several
weeks. Ashley I (and frankly every other contestant who was sick of her shit)
quickly became obsessed with the idea of her going on a date with Wells. After
being told by no less than 13 people, "Ashley I is single," "I
think you'd really like Ashley I," and "Listen here, you skinny
bastard. You don't know the Hell I have been through over the last week. If
Ashley I does not get your date card, I, Jared, will personally see to it that
you wake up in a van headed for the nearest Cartel hideout." Wells accepts
his role as a sacrificial lamb and asks Ashley I on a date.
Wells and Ashley I spend a majority of their
date eating tacos, which is something he seemed more excited about (both
literally and euphemistically) than she did. Ashley I laments her inability to
flirt with men whose names don't end in "ared," while Wells tries to
see how many tacos he can fit in his mouth at one time. Just as the date
reaches peak awkward silence, a street dog wanders up to the table and begins
begging for food. Both Wells and Ashley I share their tacos with the dog, which
was apparently all the foreplay they needed, because they began aggressively
making out immediately after the dog left. If Ashley I does find dogs to be an
some sort of aphrodisiac, I suddenly don’t want to know how or why her dog
died.
Rest in peace, sex toy puppy.
Later that evening, Wells and Ashley I light
and release a sky lantern with a wish written on it and watch it float away. It
was a romantic moment to be sure, but it would have been a lot more romantic if
the lantern hadn't caught fire within seconds and plunged to the ground almost
hitting a camera man. The entire situation was a surprisingly apt metaphor for
this stupid show.
Back in Paradise, Lace and Grant are
continuing their tradition of getting drunk and yelling at each other. The
cause (this time) was Lace's drunken flirting with other guys in front of
Grant. The two yell at each other about respect, understanding, and how the
other is being a real bitch. As Lace storms off, she yells, "Have fun
finding love with someone else," which I hope to God was a line fed to her
by the producers.
"Have fun with... with your... LINE!"
Once Grant and Lace are each alone, they share
a rare moment of vulnerability. Lace begins crying and wondering why she keeps
sabotaging her relationships like this. She acknowledges that she has feelings
for Grant and that she tries to destroy the relationship rather than risk
getting hurt by him. For his part, Grant questions if the relationship is even
worth it if he has to constantly put in so much effort so early on. It was
surprising and ultimately refreshing to see a new couple talk about their
weaknesses so openly.
But then Grant goes and ruins everything by
finding Lace and asking her if she only said those things because she "was
emotional." Holy shit, Grant. If there's one thing you never say to an
angry person, much less your girlfriend, it's a suggestion that
they're just being emotional. Given Lace's resting BAC, that's a quick way to
get stabbed.
Despite his stupidity, Grant is almost
immediately forgiven by Lace. She apologizes for flirting with other guys,
while he apologizes for overreacting. Lace then decides to seal their truce
with a shot, which basically ensures that this will all happen again in a
matter of hours.
A woman who celebrates waking up every morning with a shot.
As the night wears on, other contestants begin preparing for
bed. Exhausted by Josh’s incessant groaning and pizza guzzling, Amanda decides
to go to bed alone and offers Nick and Jen her private room. As the two begin
heading to Amanda’s room, Josh interrupts them to say that they cannot sleep
there because it is his and Amanda’s room. Nick, Jen, a producer, and several
contestants all point out that Amanda offered them the room and is sleeping
already, but Josh will hear none of it. He wakes up a sleeping Amanda to ask,
“Hey, are you sleeping?” as if the answer wasn’t obvious. When a groggy Amanda
replies that yes she was sleeping, Josh asks her two more times just to be
sure. Josh then storms off, incensed that Amanda would ever go to sleep without
his prior knowledge and approval.
Josh’s anger would carry over into the rose ceremony the
next night, as well. Once the cocktail party began, he pulled Amanda aside to
let her know that he wasn’t mad she went to bed without him. He then makes
several uncomfortable jokes about the incident and strongly insinuates that she
really shouldn’t do that again before telling Amanda that he is falling in love
with her. Apparently saying two shitty things followed by one nice thing is
acceptable behavior, because Amanda says that she is also falling in love.
The rest of the cocktail party was relatively normal. Daniel
tried to win roses from several women through a series of poorly thought out
stunts, including giving them jewelry made from garbage and lamps, which was
almost painful to watch. The twins tried to get dirt on Josh in order to
convince Amanda to dump him, in a segment that quickly became a rehashing of
every Josh-related complaint from this season. Grant and Lace even got in on
the action, chugging drinks and un-ironically wondering what it was that caused
them to constantly get into fights.
Also, Carly wore this "Lace tube top shorts and sleeves" number.
During the rose ceremony the “usual couples” all paired off.
Instead of listing off each pair, I’ll just jump to the end and say that
Daniel, Carl, and Ryan were left when the twins turn came to hand out roses.
Rather than hand out roses, Emily and Haley declare that
since they have not yet found love in Paradise they will be going home and
taking their roses with them. This comes as a shock to the three remaining men
who will all now be sent home. It was a little surprising that the twins didn’t
hand out roses and then leave
Paradise, instead of sending all three guys home unnecessarily. That’s like
going to a restaurant and knocking other people’s plates onto the floor because
you’re not hungry.
Before the twins leave, however, they make a point of
pulling Amanda aside to once again tell her that they are worried about Josh. Amanda
(for some reason) is shocked by this and goes off by herself to think. Or at
least she tries to go off by herself before Josh comes bounding in to ask
what’s wrong. Amanda repeatedly tells him she wants to be alone all while Josh
keeps following her and asking, “What’s up?” with the same intonation of a
bored toddler.
"I smile and pretend to know things. That's what I do."
Reluctantly, Amanda finally tells Josh what the twins said.
He takes a deep breath and calmly says, “Well they’re entitled to their
opinion, but I hope it doesn’t change your opinion of me. I care deeply for you
and don’t want to see you hurt by this situation. If you’d like we can all sit
down together and discuss whatever problems they have with me…”
Just kidding. Josh just fucking screams at everyone.
When I say he screams at everyone, I mean he screams at everyone. Josh literally calls everyone
down to the beach where he is and berates them for trying to tear him and
Amanda apart. He then screams at Nick specifically for just being Nick. In
fact, Josh screams for so long that he never noticed Amanda leave in tears,
clearly upset by his meltdown. So much for defending her honor.
Probably his eventual mugshot.
Once Josh finishes yelling at everyone, he packs his bags
and prepares to leave Paradise. On his way out he finds Amanda and lets her
know of his incredibly immature decision. Amanda is still somewhat in shock
from the previous events of the night and doesn’t seem to fully register what
he is saying. Eventually, she composes herself enough to say that even though
the twins are her best friends, and multiple people have expressed concern for
her well being, and Josh completely lost his mind tonight, she “won’t question
him anymore.” With that, Josh agrees to stay for Amanda’s sake. Also, I have to
actively try to keep from walking in front of a train because no benevolent God
would ever let this happen.
The next morning arrives along with Jami, a new entrant into
Paradise. She wanders around the beach for a few moments before running into
Wells, the only cast member who is actually awake before noon. The two talk for
a few moments before Jami asks him on a date, in part because they have a lot
in common, but also because he was literally her only option. Wells agrees,
with full understanding that this will likely send Ashley I into a psychotic
rage.
"In my defense, it's going to be a lot of fun to watch.
Several hours later, Ashley I awakes and the news about
Wells’ date is broken to her. She initially pretends to be ok, saying, “That’s
fine,” and claiming that nothing bad could possibly happen. However, with Wells gone, Ashley I quickly
returns to her obsession with destroying Jared and Caila’s relationship.
Ashley I tells Caila that she is no longer ok with seeing
her around Jared and that she doesn’t believe Caila is actually interested in him.
In the midst of being berated by Ashley I for the umpteenth time, Caila finally
decides she has had enough and will leave Paradise. As Caila approaches Jared
to say her goodbyes, the screen fades to black.
To be continued,
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
No comments:
Post a Comment