Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise: I Don't Want to Say Bye

Before we begin with last night’s episode, I’d like to take a quick moment for some self-congratulations. This is my 100th post on This is Brutal, a fact I did not realize until late last night. I can’t thank you all enough for reading over these last two years. From the early days of my drunken ramblings to the current days of me actually making an effort, I genuinely appreciate everyone who has ever read This is Brutal. If it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something, I figure I’m about 6% of the way there. So stick around, because in 30 years this blog is going to get good.

I hope Chris Harrison is still dressing like this in 2046

The finale of Bachelor in Paradise was the same disjointed mess we’ve come to expect from these shows. The contestants recap their Fantasy Suites, prepare for the final rose, look at rings, and then pretend to not know if they want to get married before giving a rambling speech about love that seems completely unrelated to their time together and then deciding at random if they will get engaged or not. It’s the Bachelor in Paradise formula and they certainly did not deviate from it last night.

The episode begins with the contestants awaking in their respective Fantasy Suites to various levels of excitement. Evan is so excited about his night with Carly that he briefly tries to whisper a freestyle rap, which is the only thing I’ve heard that was creepier than The Whisper Song, an actual whispered rap. Nick and Jen were also excited, as were Josh and Amanda, despite the panicked look on Josh’s face when he realized that being a step dad meant not sleeping in until noon every day.

"But your daughters know how to make a Bloody Mary, right?"

In fact, the only couple not excited after the Fantasy Suite was Grant and Lace. Something changed during their time together and Grant is no longer sure of his feelings for Lace. He first questions if, “the logical thing to do is roll the dice and see what happens later,” which it obviously isn’t. Very few logical decisions ever begin with the phrase, “roll the dice.” Grant then wonders if he should have gotten matching tattoos with a woman he might not want to marry. What are you doing, Grant? These are the questions you should have been asking three days ago. It’s too late now. You’re stuck with that shitty tattoo (and realistically, Hepatitis C) for life.

Lace is faring no better. Now that Grant is unsure about the engagement, Lace is beginning to panic that she will not leave Paradise with a ring. “I feel like if we’re not engaged, this relationship won’t work,” she says without a hint of sarcasm. There is no way this relationship doesn’t end in a murder-suicide.

Prelude to a mug shot.

With the Fantasy Suite dates ended, the contestants prepare for their final rose ceremony. The men all meet with Neil Lane to pick out gaudy engagement rings for their potential fiancĂ©es. When Nick arrives, Neil jokingly asks, “How many times am I going to see you?” At least once more, Neil.

With everything prepared, the contestants begin their final rose ceremonies, led by Evan and Carly. Evan gives a very long (although admittedly cute) speech recapping their time in Paradise, which Carly mostly laughs through for some reason. After Carly then gives a very long speech herself, Evan gets down on one knee and asks, “Will you freaking marry me?” which Carly enthusiastically accepts. It was at this point I realized Evan and Carly’s relationship was for real. Not even Meryl Streep could have pretended to be excited by Evan’s ridiculous proposal. Carly’s reaction must have been the real thing.

This still confuses the hell out of me.

Next was Grant and Lace. Despite Grant’s concerns and Lace’s immediate, “I want to throw up” confession, the two also leave the show engaged. Honestly, I didn’t listen to a word either of them said. I was too busy trying to figure out how long Lace has been wearing those eyelashes for. From the looks of them, it must have been at least a week before Paradise.

With Grant and Lace gone, it was Nick and Jen’s turn. Jen said she was nervous, but felt confident that Nick would propose. Apparently Jen had not yet heard that Nick was set to be the next Bachelor. Someone should go back in time and tell her. It could have saved a lot of heartache.

Jen begins her love speech to Nick, who spends several minutes trying his hardest not to make eye contact. When it finally comes turn for Nick to speak he says, “Something is telling me to say goodbye,” before sobbing uncontrollably. For the record, the “something” he mentioned was obviously the promise of becoming the next Bachelor.

Nick, leaving Paradise.

Both Nick and Jen leave devastated. Nick says that he knew he wouldn’t regret not marrying Andi or Kaitlyn, but isn’t sure he can say the same about Jen. He also thinks he is incapable of saying, “I love you,” both of which are obvious set ups for his role as a Bachelor. See, Jen? You didn’t leave empty handed! You get to be a storyline in the next season of The Bachelor! Win-win!

Finally Josh and Amanda arrive at their Rose Ceremony. Josh proposes and sweats through his shirt until it is translucent. Amanda accepts and somehow doesn’t find this completely disgusting. Later, as Amanda marvels at her new ring, Josh says, “It’s so pretty! There are diamonds everywhere!” Yep. That’s pretty much how most guys pick a ring.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually wish Josh wasn't wearing a shirt.

Thanks for a great season and a great 100 posts everyone! I’ll be back to yell into the void again when The Bachelor returns.

Until then,


Gossip Squirrel

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