The Bachelor: I'm Gonna Miss You

If the finale episode of The Bachelor succeeded in anything, it is in becoming a true reality show. The traditional spats and sweeping generalizations about love and its importance to the human condition gave way to something more pragmatic and real this season. There was almost no "here for the right reasons”, “not here to make friends", or even "suck a dick, Chris Harrison".  Nick and his now public fiancée Vanessa were open about the difficulties they face both as a celebrity couple and a long distance couple. Hell, even the scorned Raven was realistic and understanding about Nick's decision, refusing to publicly badmouth either him or Vanessa during her time. For the first time in a long while, I actually agree with Chris Harrison's annual assessment of "This season will be unlike anything you've seen before."

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Chris Harrison is actually right.

The episode opened with the reintroduction of Nick's family, who have grown increasingly nervous about his decision making abilities.  Honestly, they have good reason to be worried. On three separate occasions Nick has had relationships with brunette women end painfully in primetime and now he's bringing home two more brunette women with a smile on his face. At a certain point it's got to feel like watching Sisyphus roll a boulder up the hill. We all appreciate the effort, but let it go. It's not going to happen.

Raven is the first to (re)meet Nick's family, and puts them at ease almost immediately. Nick's youngest sister has been a fan of Raven's since they first met in Waukesha, and his dad refers to her as "mature" and "a good fit". Even Nick's mom liked Raven, an astounding feat considering at this point meeting the women who will eventually crush her son has almost become a yearly tradition for Mrs. Viall.

Paying for Nick's mistakes for the last 35 years.

The family's response to Vanessa was far more tepid. This was in part due to Raven's natural charisma, but also Vanessa's honesty about her hesitations. Not only is Vanessa openly skeptical about accepting a proposal from Nick, she worries that their hard headedness will ultimately be their downfall. "Is love enough to make a relationship work?" she asks Nick's father in a pleading voice. "No," he says after a pause, "that's a cliché… a relationship requires commitment and selflessness." It's actually kind of amazing this conversation made it to air considering it undermines the whole idea of The Bachelor.

 With family time behind him, Nick prepares for his final dates of the season. The first last date goes to Vanessa, whom Nick takes horseback riding to Santa Claus’ cabin in the middle of a Finnish forest. Not one to let an opportunity go to waste, Nick asks Santa for true love, while Vanessa asks him for happiness. Since he traffics in tangible gifts over esoteric concepts, Santa gives them a piece of wood with their picture on it.

I wish I was making any/all of this up, but it was all depressingly real.

Santa and The Bachelor has always been a bad idea.

Leaving Santa in his cabin, Nick and Vanessa sit by a campfire to talk. Vanessa immediately admits that she is not content to simply have the best connection with Nick on the show. She wants to be the one true somebody for Nick. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one wondering if Vanessa had heard of The Bachelor before signing up, because that’s almost a literal description of the show.

Vanessa carried her concerns into the evening portion of the date, where she tells Nick that the show does not feel romantic like she hoped it would. Nick points out that of course it isn’t as romantic as she would like because Raven was still in the running. This makes Vanessa burst into tears. Nick meanwhile looks around confused because he is a stupid, stupid man.

Also, Santa lives is kind of a shit hole.

After Nick left Vanessa crying, he met with Raven for the final final date of the season. Nick and Raven ice skate on a frozen lake, all the while remaining the fun loving, goofy couple they have been all season. After a brief make out session on the ice, Nick surprises Raven with a literal armful of Siberian Husky puppies to play with. I’m not sure how Vanessa got “trip to glorified Mall Santa” for a date and Raven ended up with skating, making out, and puppies, but if I were Raven, I wouldn’t be complaining.

Later that night, Raven tried to console a stressed out Nick. He admits that while he doesn’t know which woman he will ultimately choose, Raven has made his day better. He also waxes rhapsodic about Raven’s loyalty, passion, and sense of humor. Nick even goes so far as to say he knows he would have a great life with Raven and she makes him proud to have her in his life. Boy, if I said all this nice stuff about Raven and didn’t pick her I sure would feel like an absolute asshole…

Pictured: An absolute asshole

Of course, Nick doesn’t pick Raven. When the final Rose Ceremony of the season begins, Raven’s is the first car to arrive. She confidently walks inside and immediately begins telling Nick how in love with him she is and how she can’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him. In return, Nick lets out a long sigh and Raven immediately realizes her time with him has come to an end. Instead of crying or pleading with him, Raven is stoic till the end. When Nick says, “I’m going to miss you,” Raven responds with a simple, “I know.” I can’t believe I just watched Nick Viall get Han Solo’d during a Rose Ceremony. We truly live in a golden age of television.

To her credit, Raven was emotionless until the very end. Even riding away from Nick in the car, she didn’t manage to shed a tear. As someone who was raised in a Midwestern Catholic household, I can respect that level of emotional repression. A+ work, Raven.

Why talk about your feelings when you can pretend they don't exist?

After Raven's departure, a nervous Vanessa arrives to see Nick. The two exchange the usual finale level declarations of love before Nick gets down on one knee to propose. "Vranessa Gummaldi" Nick mumbles, "will you marry me?" Vanessa must have assumed he was talking to her, and accepted his proposal as the episode came to an end.

After The Final Rose was, in large part, a reflection of the season as a whole. Nick came out first and admitted that he had a difficult decision, but was ultimately confident. Raven then joined him and said that she tried to be light hearted for Nick in order to ease the tension. The two left the stage amicably before Vanessa came out and admitted that she might not have had a great grasp on the mechanics of the show or she wouldn’t have acted so awkwardly towards Nick. Upon hearing this, I was perhaps the least surprised I have ever been in my entire life.

Eventually, Nick and Vanessa take the stage for the first time as a couple. Unlike past seasons, there was no love struck talk of marriage dates or excitement. Vanessa admitted that a combination of distance and celebrity made their relationship extraordinarily difficult. Nick even went so far as to scoff at Chris Harrison’s suggestion of a wedding, saying “We’re still getting to know each other.” While I get what Nick is saying, he lost the right to scoff at weddings when he got down on one knee and proposed.

Pictures like this lose Nick the right to do most things.

To end the night, Chris Harrison brings out new Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay for a brief interview. Rachel says that she is humbled and excited to begin her new journey, and has been shocked at how welcoming Bachelor fans have been, and basically just reiterates everything she said on Women Tell All. At first it seemed like Rachel's interview would be the same old filler Bachelor fans have come to accept from the show. However, Chris Harrison used the opportunity to reveal his massive, dramatic, earth shattering surprise, which made this segment an entirely new kind of filler.

Instead of waiting until mid-May, Chris excitedly announces that Rachel will begin meeting her suitors right now. If meeting your potential husband in front of a studio audience sounds like an extremely awkward proposition, that's because it was. None of the men seemed to have strong camera awareness, and one contestant exclaimed, “I’m going black and I’ll never go back!”

Are you kidding me? It’s not even May and already I have to listen to clueless white guys say blatantly racist shit to the first black Bachelorette. I know this is America and racist shit is the norm, but I thought I could at least go five weeks without being forced to write about it. All I expected was to read about it, live through it, and accidentally take part it in. You know, normal American shit.

Oh well, see you next season.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

Bachelor in Paradise: I Don't Want to Say Bye

Before we begin with last night’s episode, I’d like to take a quick moment for some self-congratulations. This is my 100^th post on This is Brutal, a fact I did not realize until late last night. I can’t thank you all enough for reading over these last two years. From the early days of my drunken ramblings to the current days of me actually making an effort, I genuinely appreciate everyone who has ever read This is Brutal. If it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something, I figure I’m about 6% of the way there. So stick around, because in 30 years this blog is going to get good.

I hope Chris Harrison is still dressing like this in 2046

The finale of Bachelor in Paradise was the same disjointed mess we’ve come to expect from these shows. The contestants recap their Fantasy Suites, prepare for the final rose, look at rings, and then pretend to not know if they want to get married before giving a rambling speech about love that seems completely unrelated to their time together and then deciding at random if they will get engaged or not. It’s the Bachelor in Paradise formula and they certainly did not deviate from it last night.

The episode begins with the contestants awaking in their respective Fantasy Suites to various levels of excitement. Evan is so excited about his night with Carly that he briefly tries to whisper a freestyle rap, which is the only thing I’ve heard that was creepier than The Whisper Song, an actual whispered rap. Nick and Jen were also excited, as were Josh and Amanda, despite the panicked look on Josh’s face when he realized that being a step dad meant not sleeping in until noon every day.

"But your daughters know how to make a Bloody Mary, right?"

In fact, the only couple not excited after the Fantasy Suite was Grant and Lace. Something changed during their time together and Grant is no longer sure of his feelings for Lace. He first questions if, “the logical thing to do is roll the dice and see what happens later,” which it obviously isn’t. Very few logical decisions ever begin with the phrase, “roll the dice.” Grant then wonders if he should have gotten matching tattoos with a woman he might not want to marry. What are you doing, Grant? These are the questions you should have been asking three days ago. It’s too late now. You’re stuck with that shitty tattoo (and realistically, Hepatitis C) for life.

Lace is faring no better. Now that Grant is unsure about the engagement, Lace is beginning to panic that she will not leave Paradise with a ring. “I feel like if we’re not engaged, this relationship won’t work,” she says without a hint of sarcasm. There is no way this relationship doesn’t end in a murder-suicide.

Prelude to a mug shot.

With the Fantasy Suite dates ended, the contestants prepare for their final rose ceremony. The men all meet with Neil Lane to pick out gaudy engagement rings for their potential fiancées. When Nick arrives, Neil jokingly asks, “How many times am I going to see you?” At least once more, Neil.

With everything prepared, the contestants begin their final rose ceremonies, led by Evan and Carly. Evan gives a very long (although admittedly cute) speech recapping their time in Paradise, which Carly mostly laughs through for some reason. After Carly then gives a very long speech herself, Evan gets down on one knee and asks, “Will you freaking marry me?” which Carly enthusiastically accepts. It was at this point I realized Evan and Carly’s relationship was for real. Not even Meryl Streep could have pretended to be excited by Evan’s ridiculous proposal. Carly’s reaction must have been the real thing.

This still confuses the hell out of me.

Next was Grant and Lace. Despite Grant’s concerns and Lace’s immediate, “I want to throw up” confession, the two also leave the show engaged. Honestly, I didn’t listen to a word either of them said. I was too busy trying to figure out how long Lace has been wearing those eyelashes for. From the looks of them, it must have been at least a week before Paradise.

With Grant and Lace gone, it was Nick and Jen’s turn. Jen said she was nervous, but felt confident that Nick would propose. Apparently Jen had not yet heard that Nick was set to be the next Bachelor. Someone should go back in time and tell her. It could have saved a lot of heartache.

Jen begins her love speech to Nick, who spends several minutes trying his hardest not to make eye contact. When it finally comes turn for Nick to speak he says, “Something is telling me to say goodbye,” before sobbing uncontrollably. For the record, the “something” he mentioned was obviously the promise of becoming the next Bachelor.

Nick, leaving Paradise.

Both Nick and Jen leave devastated. Nick says that he knew he wouldn’t regret not marrying Andi or Kaitlyn, but isn’t sure he can say the same about Jen. He also thinks he is incapable of saying, “I love you,” both of which are obvious set ups for his role as a Bachelor. See, Jen? You didn’t leave empty handed! You get to be a storyline in the next season of The Bachelor! Win-win!

Finally Josh and Amanda arrive at their Rose Ceremony. Josh proposes and sweats through his shirt until it is translucent. Amanda accepts and somehow doesn’t find this completely disgusting. Later, as Amanda marvels at her new ring, Josh says, “It’s so pretty! There are diamonds everywhere!” Yep. That’s pretty much how most guys pick a ring.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually wish Josh wasn't wearing a shirt.

Thanks for a great season and a great 100 posts everyone! I’ll be back to yell into the void again when The Bachelor returns.

Until then,

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelorette: Good Luck. Don't Settle.

If there is one colloquialism that best describes the finale of JoJo Fletcher's season of The Bachelorette, it must be "the ol' switcheroo." You think things are one way? No. Wrong. It’s the other. Jordan fucks up beyond redemption? Fuck you, he's engaged now. You think Chad is the ultimate villain from this season? Nice try, idiot, you're the ultimate villain. That's right, the fourth wall is gone, Jordan and JoJo can see you, and they're pointing you out specifically as the villain. It is M. Night Shyamalan at his worst and The Bachelorette at its best.

M. Night at his worst.

The finale begins with JoJo's family joining her in Phuket, Thailand (aptly named given my apathy for this show) to meet the remaining two guys. Normally, this meeting would have taken place in JoJo's hometown of Dallas, but even a sex-trafficking, military dictatorship like Thailand is better than fucking Dallas. You hear me, Dallas? Your weather is untenable, your sports teams are shit, and your barbecue is second-rate at best. The one saving grace of being in Dallas is that you aren't in Houston.

First to meet the family is Jordan. In an effort to ease the tension, Jordan brings an array of silly hats for the family to wear. His thought process seemed to be "I bet they're going to ask me a lot of questions about what a weird, self-righteous prick I am. But no one can legitimately insult someone if they're wearing a pink cowboy hat. I'll just make everyone wear stupid hats, and if they call me out on my shit I'll tell them that their stupid hat invalidates their opinion. It's foolproof!"

Silly hats run in the family/

Unfortunately for Jordan, the Fletcher family removes their hats almost immediately and the interrogation begins. Mama Fletcher tells Jordan to, "give me your word that you will never break my daughter's heart." Jordan, in turn, looks as if he just realized that wasn't what he was supposed to do before responding with "yeah?"  That question mark isn’t hyperbole either. It legitimately sounded like he was asking a question.

Jordan rounds out his time with the Fletchers by forgetting to ask for her father's blessing. How that is even possible is beyond me. My best guess is that Jordan either got distracted by his own inadequacies or freaked out wondering if JoJo was going to look like her dad when she got older.

He's not the sexiest dad...

Luckily for both JoJo and her family, Robby showed up to save the day. Instead of silly hats, Robby brought flowers for JoJo's mother because he's meeting a family, not entertaining children. He also soothes Mrs. Fletcher's worries by saying he will never break her daughter's heart. At this point, Robby is about a million times better than Jordan, despite not actually being that great himself.

The family loves Robby for being the first contestant to achieve a minimum standard of human decency, so much so that when Robby asks for Mr. Fletcher's blessing, he tears up and happily grants it. JoJo's father then pulls her aside to tell her how much she means to him and how happy he wants her to be. As a lifelong fan of "cute Dad shit," I can tell you that this was the good stuff. If you weren't at least slightly sentimental, you don't know how to live.

He is a very patient dad though.

After Robby leaves, JoJo polls her family to see what they think about the guys. Everyone is firmly in favor of Robby over Jordan, mostly because Robby has a functional human brain. JoJo's mom calls Robby, "husband material," while her dad calls him, "the logical choice." Even JoJo's normally contentious brothers can't find anything bad to say about Robby. This one-sided result makes JoJo burst into tears because she is, "still so torn!" What was the point of having these guys meet your family, JoJo, if you're just going to ignore any advice they give you?

For their final date of the year, JoJo takes Robby on a beach day. The two make out both above and below the water, then make out on the beach, and then helped rescue a drowning toddler. Just kidding, they made out some more.

She also taught Robby to read. Just kidding, they made out.

Later that evening, Robby has JoJo back to his suite for drinks. He presents her with several pictures of their time together and says, "Wow, where has the time gone," as if this isn't only their fourth date. In turn, JoJo tells Robby "It's overwhelming how much I trust you," and that she has never doubted him for a moment. That is obviously untrue considering only two weeks ago Robby was defending himself against accusations of not being over his ex-girlfriend. What happened to these two? Did they both forget that they were being filmed? Did they both suffer some sort of collective amnesia while making out in the ocean? Did they both just say a bunch of words at random without thinking? Probably the last one.

Non-thinking aside, JoJo leaves Robby feeling fantastic. She says that he makes her see her own self-worth and that while she does love him; she thinks it would be wrong to tell him at this point. Robby also feels confident, saying, "How does something like this not last forever?" Let me answer your question with a question, Robby. How often do people ask rhetorical questions to which they really don't want the answer. Never mind, don't answer that.

The human rhetorical question.

Continuing his role as Goofus to Robby Gallant, Jordan’s absolute shit show of a date was next. He and JoJo kayak through some ocean caves before sitting down to have drinks on a nearby beach. Jordan, sensing JoJo’s anger for his lack of blessing request, tries to explain his actions before she broaches the subject. This has been an ongoing tactic of Jordan’s both because he is a conniving little weasel, and also because people are consistently angry with him. If these aren’t massive red flags, I don’t know what are.

In Jordan’s words (as best I understand them), he didn’t ask JoJo’s father for a blessing because he wasn’t sure she would pick him in the end. Jordan also says he didn’t know that is what she wanted and that Robby’s presence made the question uncomfortable. Somewhere in this word salad, JoJo must have found a satisfactory answer because she didn’t immediately drown him in a nearby shallow pool.

"How shallow was the pool?"

At dinner, once Jordan has had time to get his story straight, he tells JoJo that he basically said he wanted to marry her and that should be good enough. JoJo points out that they can never have that opportunity back. Jordan had his chance to ask her father for his hand and now it is gone. She is disappointed in him for squandering this opportunity and not taking their relationship more seriously. JoJo says all these things because, if only for one brief moment, she is a stone cold killer. Jordan says he has regrets because, again, he’s kind of a turd.

With both dates ended, we are treated to an extended montage of both Robby and Jordan preparing for the final rose ceremony. Both guys put on their finest tight suits and meet with Neil Lane, purveyor of gaudy diamond rings. This happens every year and every year I am unsurprised at the obscene 1,200 karat horseshit that these guys pick out.

DON'T WORRY GUYS. I FOUND ALL OF THE DIAMONDS.

Somewhere in this time, Jordan manages to get his hands on a cell phone to call JoJo’s parents. With them both on the line, he asks for their permission to ask for their daughter’s hand which each wearily permits. It’s nice of Jordan to finally do the right thing at the 11^th hour, but where the fuck did that cell phone come from? That’s not allowed on The Bachelorette. Hell, that’s not even allowed on Bachelor in Paradise. Whichever producer gave him that phone should be fired for subjecting me to more Jordan Rodgers.

 The moment of truth is now at hand. Whoever arrives first to see JoJo will have their heart broken and be sent home in shame. As much as I’d love to pretend this moment merits any suspense, you already know what happened. Robby exited the car and began the long walk to having his dreams crushed, along with anyone else who cares about sanity existing in the universe.

After several seconds of Robby gushing, JoJo stops him. She tells him that while she does have love for him, and he does “deserve the type of love you have given me,” she must send him home. Before he leaves, Robby whispers in her ear, “Good luck. Don’t settle.” No finer final “fuck you” has ever been issued on this show. May you rest in power, Robby.

Power, or whatever you consider this look to be.

Jordan arrives, post-Robby, and walks towards JoJo with pants so tight he literally cannot bend his knees. After a half-thought out speech full of platitudes and tropes, Jordan summons all his strength, believes in himself, and manages to bend his knee enough to propose. Once she realizes that his crotch didn’t rip (pants nor person), JoJo accepts his proposal and the two celebrate on the beach.

Pictured: JoJo and Jordan.

The recap segment, After the Final Rose, went exactly as you would expect, with only a few deviations. The first deviation came when Robby appeared wearing a gingham tie, pocket square, and lapel flower, as if he were a blind person who hated others for being sighted. Fuck you for making me see that, Robby.

After confessing to Chris that he still had love for JoJo (but respected her decision), Robby was made to confess the same sentiments to JoJo. Which he did.  At length. For several minutes. If I’m being honest, pretty much nothing he said needs to be written down or remembered.

I finally found a picture of Robby doing the one thing he's good at and it's still boring.

Finally, Jordan comes out to join JoJo as a newly public couple. They tell Chris how hard things have been post show. Tabloids have printed “terrible” headlines like, “JoJo: Falling For a Fraud?” and “JoJo’s Bad Boys: Why She Can’t Trust Them.” Outside of a reliance on colons, there really isn’t anything particularly terrible about these headlines. Sure they vaguely call the character of both JoJo and Jordan into question, but such headlines have been a staple of The Bachelor/ette for years. These shows would barely exist without tabloids fueling the narrative they create.

And therein lies the subtle deception of this season. The Bachelorette would have you believe that you, that’s right you, are the real villain of this season. It’s not Chad, who threatened to murder at least a dozen people. It’s not Alex for instigating fights and being short (though that seemed to be a real source of anger for people). It’s definitely not Jordan, despite committing nearly every mortal Bachelorette sin on the books and still winning. The villain is you for gossiping about the show.

I see it now. The mirror is the enemy. Wait, am I not getting this?

Returning Bachelor Ben Higgins said it himself, “There are going to be times when you both probably want to rip your hair out because some 13-year-old in Idaho is saying names to you on Twitter.”  First, congratulations Ben. You found the only person less interesting than a Bachelor from Indiana. Second, fuck you.

You, and this show as a whole, attempted to conflate some warped version of online bullying with reporting on a narrative that you helped create. The Bachelorette is solely responsible for calling into question the character of Jordan, Chad, and frankly every other guy on this show. Tabloids didn’t do that, I didn’t do that, and fans of this show sure as hell didn’t do that. Everything you, JoJo, and Chris Harrison are critiquing was a byproduct of the show. To denigrate any and all headlines that questioned JoJo and Jordan’s love is to ignore the actual problem, the show itself.

LOL. Fuck you for watching.

I could go on ad nauseum about the problems with this show (and frankly probably already have), but the larger point remains worth making. To put an image of yourself into the world, and then complain when it’s noticed, is definitely naïve and possibly disingenuous depending on intent. It’s the ol’ switcheroo, employed in it’s laziest form.

In closing, fuck you, fuck this show, fuck everyone on it, fuck me, and fuck you again. I can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise. See you tomorrow!

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel