Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The Bachelor: I'm Living My Nightmare

It's nice to see that after nine seasons, contestants on The Bachelor and its sister shows are still finding new and exciting ways to annoy the shit out of me. While this show has always inspired a certain level of hatred towards its villains, there was at least a level of excitement in seeing them on your screen. Marauding hulks, sociopathic widows, and European perverts all proved to be consistently engaging, if not occasionally endearing. Like any good villain, you couldn't look away, despite their despicableness.

That all changed this season with the introduction of Corinne.

Pictured: The Worst.

It was a small mercy, I suppose, that last night's episode of The Bachelor ripped off the Band-Aid that is Corinne by immediately jumping into the first group date. To the producers’ credit, the idea for the date wasn’t half-bad. The women, Corinne included, would dress up in various wedding themed outfits for a photo shoot with Nick. The outfits were less self-serious than the show tends to be, including “80’s bride”, “biker bride”, and “shotgun wedding.” Corinne received the “bikini bride” outfit, which she immediately understood to mean she was the hottest woman on site.

Corinne’s confidence was short lived, however, when she saw fellow contestant Brittany in an “Adam and Eve” outfit, consisting of only bikini bottoms and strategically placed hair. Corinne and I both thought this was an odd choice for the wedding photo shoot but for very different reasons. Corinne could not fathom that someone was allowed to wear fewer clothes than herself, because as previously stated, she is the self-described “hottest.” I thought it was weird because why are Adam and Eve in a wedding themed photo shoot? They were never married. They weren’t even a good couple. One of their kids killed the other and they did nothing to stop it. I mean how can you not keep track of your own kids when there are a grand total of four people on Earth?

Side note: I’m considering starting This is Biblical as a side blog. If anyone wants to read me roasting biblical figures please let me know in the comments.

You ever notice how Jews sacrifice their children like this?

Back on The Bachelor, Corinne has devised a plan to steal attention away from the other women. In the midst of her shoot, Corinne takes off her top and tells Nick to “Janet Jackson me!” While I’ll give Corinne props for a solid reference, I can’t think of anything more awkward than your girlfriend yelling, “Hold my bewbs!” in front of your other girlfriends. Not one to miss an opportunity to grab some tit, Nick obliges.

The photographer, who has already established himself as a real weirdo by whispering “I’ve known you since before time,” to one of the women, picks Corinne as the winner. The other women then speculate that Corinne only won because she showed Nick her “bewbs,” as if Nick wasn’t literally and figuratively manhandling them mere minutes ago.

Later that night at the cocktail party, Corinne goes completely off the rails. She first announces that she is happy to be number one, which is “better than being number two… or going number two.” After that head scratcher, Corinne says “Dad would be proud of me, even though I was naked.” I’m not going to pretend to know anything about Corinne’s personal life, but I suddenly have a strong suspicion that constipation and incest are ongoing struggles for her.

Finally, Corinne goes for her hat trick of insanity, when she interrupts the other women’s time with Nick for an unprecedented third time. She then proceeds to yell at the other women for interrupting her while talking to Nick. I’m not sure how much Corinne had to drink at this point, but if I had to guess it would be all of the alcohol, because that’s the only way anything she says makes any sense.

There's no way either of them is sober... ever.

Nick decides to become a culprit in Corinne’s delusion and gives her the date rose. Corinne then flaunts the rose while yelling “XOXO Gossip Girl!” Not gonna lie. That nearly sent me into a rage.

With the Corinne/Group date mercifully over, Nick goes on his next date with Danielle M. The two Wisconsin natives take a helicopter to a nearby yacht and eat cheese, which are simultaneously the least and most Wisconsin activities imaginable. After some mumbling conversation, Danielle M decides to let Nick (and everyone watching) know about her past. Several years ago, Danielle found her fiancée dead from an overdose. She had not known he was an addict, and in the years since it happened, her relationships have usually ended shortly after telling the story to her partner. It was the kind of heart wrenching story that defied any real response beyond shock and grief.

Not one to remain silent, Nick tells Danielle M that he doesn’t think less of her for her past tragedy, if anything he thinks more of her because of it. Look, I realize that Nick was in a difficult situation, but just once it would be nice to see a woman gain power through something other than personal suffering. Just once.

The list also includes Cerci Lannister, Maeve, Claire Underwood, Rose DeWitt Bukater, Pam Beasley, Dory the fish, Rey, etc.

On the final group date of the evening, Nick took several women to the Museum of Broken Relationships. Nick and the gang peruse the museum before improvising breakups with each other in front of an audience. While you may be thinking this is a terrible idea for a date, remember that most of these relationships are already broken. If anything, the date served as a glimpse into each woman’s “Christmas Future” without Nick.

The improvised breakups were more or less what you would expect. There were a lot of terrible premises from the women and not a lot of “yes and” from Nick. The date looked like it was going to be a big snooze until Josephine ran onto the stage and, like a high school one act play, slapped Nick in the face and yelled, “How many more bottles will I have to pick up!?” Say what you will about Josephine and her near irrelevance on the show to this point, but I loved her in that moment.

I've been wanting to do this for weeks.

After Josephine’s show stopping performance, Liz decided to literally stop the show by reading a prepared statement about her previous hookup with Nick at a wedding. Keep in mind that reading from a script is the literal opposite of improv, and no one else has any idea what she is talking about. Nick looks at the audience uncomfortably while they look at him uncomfortably. He stands there for what feels like an eternity before Liz ends the scene and returns to her seat to contemplate what a stupid idea that was.

Later that night, Nick pulls Liz aside to ask what the hell that was all about. He asks why she didn’t want his number after they first hooked up, and why she is on the show now. Liz gets partway through several answers before settling on “I don’t like talking on the phone,” and “You were on Bachelor in Paradise, I didn’t want to smother you.” Seeing this as the terrible excuse that it is, Nick decides to send Liz home.

The episode then draws to a close as Nick is about to tell the other women about his relationship with Liz.

Two weeks in, and we’re already missing rose ceremonies? That’s got to be some kind of record.


Gossip Squirrel


  1. You should betray this blog and move on to a biblical roasts. There's 13 pieces of silver in it for you!