Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Bachelor: I Think You Are Making A Huge Mistake

I saw two dogs playing in the mud this morning. They were romping around, chasing each other, and having the time of their lives. It was honestly one of the most joyful things I have ever seen. I wanted to relay this brief moment of happiness to you before I follow it up with the despair that is recapping last night’s episode of The Bachelor. You’re welcome.

As if you didn't know why this episode was terrible.

The episode begins with the not-so-shocking revelation that Nick previously had sex with now former contestant, Liz. Most people would be happy to learn their boyfriend was not interested in pursuing a relationship with a former sexual partner. However, this is The Bachelor, so everyone freaks out about it as if Nick’s abs and three previous trips to the fantasy suite didn’t make it obvious that he wasn’t a virgin.

With many of the women bordering on near hysterics, Corinne sees the opportunity to make everything worse and takes it. Slipping out of her evening dress, Corinne slips into a trench coat in an attempt to seduce Nick. After grabbing a can of whipped cream, she squirts a bit on her chest and invites Nick to stick his head in the coat and lick it off. It was a bold plan, which failed only because Nick did not have Inspector Gadget as a childhood au pair.

"Sorry, I can't. I'm really more of a Smurfs kind of guy."

Nick immediately felt uncomfortable licking whipped cream of Corinne’s chest because 20 of his other girlfriends were within earshot. Also, I know this show is shot in the People’s Republic of California, but you can’t just go around licking women 11 years younger than you.

Rejected, Corinne drinks a bunch of wine and then passes out in her bed. She would later say that she was, “just really tired,” but considering she fell asleep in her trench coat and makeup with the lights on, I think it’s fair to say she got drunk and passed out.

At the Rose Ceremony, Nick briefly questioned Corinne’s absence before deciding the show was probably better off without her and moving on. He would then go on to eliminate Elizabeth, Hailey, and Lacey. I will give you $1,000 if you can tell me an interesting fact about any of those women without looking it up.

Pictured: One of (or all of?) the three women.

The next morning, the women awoke to a date card which read, “Everybody…” The women ponder for a moment before freaking the fuck out as 90’s boy band and pale shade of *NSYNC, The Backstreet Boys, show up. Once the collective screaming and moistening dies down, it is announced that a select group of women will back up dance for the group tonight, with a chance to win a slow dance with Nick.

During rehearsals for the show, Corinne announces that, although she is not a good dancer, she is not an attention-seeking crybaby. She then locks herself in the bathroom and cries about what a bad dancer she is. At this point, Corinne isn’t even being ironic. She’s just lying.

Finally, at the concert, the time comes for Nick and the ladies to perform. Nick walks on to the stage to thunderous applause, because the Venn Diagram of Backstreet Boys fans and The Bachelor fans is a circle. The women hurry through their slightly sloppy routine before the grossest looking Backstreet Boy declares a winner. It’s Danielle L! She and Nick then slow danced to “I Want It That Way,” while the other women look on in contempt.

Definitely the grossest.

Danielle would go on to get the date rose during the ensuing cocktail party but the real story of the evening was Corinne. Corinne first pulled Nick aside to apologize for going to sleep during the rose ceremony. After Nick tried to play it off like it wasn’t incredibly weird, Corinne proceeded to thank him and then left to go take a nap. At this point, I’m not sure if Corinne is literally a toddler or just has the sleep schedule of one.

After waking up, Corinne proceeded to tell the other women about her nanny. Again, keep in mind this is a 24-year-old woman who has a driver’s license and pays taxes, talking about her full time caretaker. Corinne made a half assed attempt to justify her nanny by saying, “It make her [the nanny] happy, and I’m not gonna stop a woman’s happiness.” I truly find it hard to believe Corinne’s daily presence is not destroying her nanny’s happiness given that I only have to see her for two hours a week and am already falling into a despair just thinking about her.

"See? She loves all this menial labor."

With the group date over, Nick’s one on one date for the week goes to Vanessa. The two board a “Zero G” plane, which flies in parabolic arcs to create the sensation of weightlessness for the passengers. Nick and Vanessa have a wonderful time floating around the plane and making out in zero gravity.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, however. As the plane begins its climb again, Nick and Vanessa are pinned to the floor of the plane by the increasing g forces. Within minutes Vanessa grabs a barf bag and fills it. Then she fills another. And then another. At a certain point I had to stop and check that the footage wasn’t duplicated, because it seemed impossible that such a small woman could be filled with so much vomit.

To Nick’s credit, he did comfort Vanessa throughout her sickness spell. Unfortunately, he did so by rubbing her inner thigh and repeatedly kissing her. Not only is kissing a vomit filled mouth disgusting, but did you ever stop to think that maybe Vanessa just wants to be left alone with her puke and shame? The only thing worse than throwing up on a plane is having a stranger constantly try to kiss you while you do so.

Throwing up directly into his mouth.

Once Nick cleaned the vomit from his beard, it was off to the last group date. Nick and the women meet Olympians; Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter on a local running track where they will compete in a “Nickathalon.” As best I can tell, a “Nickathalon” consists of regular track and field events performed badly with Nick Viall’s face grimacing in the background.

To give an example of how un-athletic this competition was, the final event was a foot race to a ring, which the winner would grab before jumping into a hot tub with Nick. The race was between Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid. While Rachel decisively won the race, she knocked the ring to the ground and then smashed it with her foot while Alexis crossed the finish line and then looked confused. During the chaos, Astrid picked up one of the ring shards and jumped into the hot tub. The three Olympian judges let this stand, because knowing the finer points of the “Nickathalon” was not required for them to receive their $500 paychecks for the day.

After the event’s chaos died down, Dominique, a woman I have neither seen nor heard from, begins to complain that Nick is ignoring her. More specifically, Dominique is upset because she feels uncomfortable on the show, hasn’t spoken to Nick, and he hasn’t done anything about it. Essentially, Dominique is Ned Flanders’ parents.

See? I told you.

After some liquid courage, Dominique pulls Nick aside to tell him that he hasn’t been paying enough attention to her needs. She also says that it is completely unacceptable for Nick to ignore her throughout a date and says he needs to do a better job of caring for her. Nick responds by telling Dominique that he doesn’t feel the same and kicks her off the show. Good try though, Dominique.

With Dominique gone, Nick gives the rose to Rachel because she is still the best thing on this show. Good work, Viall. At least you did one thing right this episode.

This picture is literally all I, or Nick, know about Dominique.

With the final date concluded, “Batchmaker” Chris Harrison arrives to tell the women that, instead of a cocktail party, the women and Nick will be enjoying a pool party this afternoon. Within seconds of Nick’s arrival at the party, the women collectively rip his shirt off and begin rubbing sunscreen on his chest. Good work, ladies. Proper skin care is important, especially in the summer months. I’m glad to see you have Nick’s health in mind.

Minutes into the party, Nick is seduced away by Corinne who has somehow gotten her hands on a bouncy castle. The two hop around for several minutes before Nick is pinned to the floor of the castle by Corinne. She mounts him for several more minutes while the other women watch from a distance, debating if they should call the police or not.

Once Nick is free of Corinne, and has had sufficient time to let his erection subside, he returns to the remaining women. Raven, Jasmine, and several other women immediately sit down with Nick to tell him what a psycho Corinne is. Nick mumbles a feigned surprise as if he hasn’t been sexually assaulted by the same woman three times already. It was not until Vanessa asks Nick if he is, “looking for a wife or someone to fuck around with,” that he stops grinning like an idiot. Instead, he sits speechless as the episode fades to black.


It would truly be the darkest timeline, but I genuinely hope the rest of the women quit the show next week, leaving Nick alone with Corinne. I would love to watch seven more weeks of Nick regretting his life choices.


Gossip Squirrel

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