Tuesday, February 14, 2017

The Bachelor: My Vagine Is Platinum

Before we begin, I'd like to extend heartfelt congratulations to Rachel Lindsay on being announced as our next Bachelorette. I genuinely did not know if I would live to see a black bachelorette in my lifetime, which is saying something considering both modern medicine and the fact that I'm still in my 20s. Regardless, congratulations to Rachel on her new crown. May she wear it well.

On the flip side, I'd also like to extend a hearty "go fuck yourself" to Bachelor/ette Executive Producer and human turd, Mike Fleiss, for delighting in his long overdue designation of a black person as a lead on his show.  For the unaware, Fleiss has spent the last week tweeting out poorly written "clues" about who the next Bachelorette will be including, "This history-making, historic announcement could be the most history in the history of #thebachelor." You'd think a man who has a combined 33 seasons of The Bachelor/ette to his name would be somewhat ashamed that it took so long to have a black protagonist. Instead, Fleiss is spending his time self-congratulating and pretending the show has overcome something that isn't his own racist tendencies.

Yep. It's going to be one of those kind of posts.

"It's historic because she's black, and I've never let those people on my shows." - Probably Mike Fleiss

Lets move on from the blatant racism of The Bachelor producers to the casual racism of the show itself. Last night’s episode began on the morning following Nick’s emotional breakdown. Through a series of dramatic pauses, Nick confesses to Chris Harrison that he is nervous that none of these relationships will work out. Oh Nick, you don’t have to be nervous about these relationships not working out. This is The Bachelor; these relationships definitely won’t work out.

Nick returns to the women and tells them that although he is incredibly nervous about whether this show will actually result in a long-term relationship for him, he feels confident about their relationships and will continue on the show. The women are relieved and take this for the compliment that it absolutely is not.

Already having put the women through a stressful night and a bullshit excuse the next morning, Nick decided to show a rare bit of good decision making and canceled the upcoming Rose Ceremony. He then announced that the show would be traveling to Bimini. The women were all beyond excited, unlike myself who hastily Googled “where is Bimini?” during the upcoming commercial break.

I Google image searched Bimini. Is this it?

Once in Bimini, Nick grabs Vanessa for the first one on one date of the evening. The two hop onto a yacht where Vanessa immediately tries to make Nick apologize for his antics last week. Both spout off clichés and meaningless metaphors until neither is mad anymore. Granted, neither is mad because they have been talking in circles for over an hour, but at least they are not mad.

Later at dinner, Vanessa tells Nick that she is falling in love with him. Nick responds by immediately breaking eye contact and mumbling something about how he only wants to say, “I love you” to one person. I’m not sure what kind of mental math Nick is working with here, but he needs to show his work. I’ve personally blogged about him saying, “I love you” to at least two women. However he is explaining this sudden inability to express love, it is lost on me.

Next came the group date between Corinne, Kristina, and Raven. Because Bimini is small and there isn’t much to actually do, Nick takes the three women back out on the same boat he and Vanessa were just on. The four date goers go snorkeling with sharks before Kristina suddenly realizes that sharks can eat people and hurriedly swims back to the boat. Nick swims after her leaving Corinne and Raven alone in the ocean surrounded by sharks. Somehow this qualifies as a “good date.”

Nick, back on the boat.

Later that evening, Nick pulls each of the women aside individually. First is Kristina to whom he apologizes for his recent emotional outbursts. Kristina comforts him by shrugging and making out with him. Somehow I can’t help but feel like Nick got the better end of the deal in this exchange.

Meaningless though Nick’s conversation with Kristina was, his conversations with Raven and Corinne were downright pointless. Raven told Nick that her dad used to have lung cancer but is fine now, which led to a well-deserved awkward silence. Then Corinne told him she was upset to have never received a one on one date. It was a fair criticism that Nick countered by saying, “but our relationship is good!” This non-sequitor calmed Corinne long enough for Nick to run away and give the date rose to Raven. What a complete waste of time.

Danielle M’s date came next. She and Nick rode bikes, visited local shops, and got schooled in basketball by some local youths, because again, there isn’t much to do on Bimini. I don’t know if it was the weeks of nonstop drinking, or the lack of glamorous activities, but Nick and Danielle’s date fell completely flat. The two spent a majority of their time asking close-ended questions and staring into the middle distance hoping something noteworthy would happen.

It never did.

Hard to imagine the guy chugging foam wouldn't be a stunning conversationalist.

Later that night, Danielle would attempt to save her relationship by telling Nick, “You’re fun to have fun with” before confessing her love. Nick on the other hand grimaced so hard it was hard to imagine he wasn’t already planning to break up with her. Nick goes on to give his standard rambling monologue about how “great you are,” and how, “I can’t love you like I need to,” before finally dumping Danielle. He has used the same speech for nearly every break up to this point, but damn if it isn’t effective.

Danielle returns to the house to pack her belongings crying all along the way. At one point, Danielle stopped and stared at the door, wishing for Nick to come through and take her back. This hits way too close to home. May the road rise to meet you, Danielle.

No matter what, we'll always have whatever this is.

Seeing Danielle leave and realizing that she could be next, Corinne takes it upon herself to chug a liter of wine before storming off to sexually assault Nick. She meanders through the resort before stumbling upon Nick’s room and sweet-talking her way inside. There, after half a drink, Corinne pulls Nick into the bedroom and attempts to play sexy games with him. Nick puts a stop to this almost immediately out of respect for the other women, but also because even he isn’t drunk enough for this shit. Corinne, on the other hand, leaves humiliated.

The final date of the evening went to Rachel and I honestly can’t think of a more pointless date this season. Rachel was great, of course, but the recent news of her being named the next Bachelorette renders everything that happens in the coming weeks completely pointless. At this point, I’m just riding out the weeks until Rachel’s season.

"Look how black she is! I'm a hero!" - Mike Fleiss

The episode ends with Nick arriving at the women’s house and asking to speak to Kristina. He pulls her outside and tells her that he has love for her, but isn’t in love with her. Despite her insistence to remain, Nick does not want to drag Kristina along unnecessarily and without reason. The two share a tearful goodbye as the episode ends.

That’s all until next week.


Gossip Squirrel

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