Before we begin, I'd like to extend heartfelt
congratulations to Rachel Lindsay on being announced as our next Bachelorette. I
genuinely did not know if I would live to see a black bachelorette in my
lifetime, which is saying something considering both modern medicine and the
fact that I'm still in my 20s. Regardless, congratulations to Rachel on her new
crown. May she wear it well.
On the flip side, I'd also like to extend a
hearty "go fuck yourself" to Bachelor/ette Executive Producer and
human turd, Mike Fleiss, for delighting in his long overdue designation of a
black person as a lead on his show. For the unaware, Fleiss has spent the
last week tweeting out poorly written "clues" about who the next
Bachelorette will be including, "This history-making, historic
announcement could be the most history in the history of #thebachelor."
You'd think a man who has a combined 33 seasons of The Bachelor/ette to his
name would be somewhat ashamed that it took so long to have a black
protagonist. Instead, Fleiss is spending his time self-congratulating and
pretending the show has overcome something that isn't his own racist
tendencies.
Yep. It's going to be one of those kind of
posts.
"It's historic because she's black, and I've never let those people on my shows." - Probably Mike Fleiss
Lets move on from the blatant racism of The Bachelor producers to the casual racism of the show itself.
Last night’s episode began on the morning following Nick’s emotional breakdown.
Through a series of dramatic pauses, Nick confesses to Chris Harrison that he
is nervous that none of these relationships will work out. Oh Nick, you don’t
have to be nervous about these relationships not working out. This is The Bachelor; these relationships
definitely won’t work out.
Nick returns to the women and tells them that although he is
incredibly nervous about whether this show will actually result in a long-term
relationship for him, he feels confident about their relationships and will
continue on the show. The women are relieved and take this for the compliment
that it absolutely is not.
Already having put the women through a stressful night and a
bullshit excuse the next morning, Nick decided to show a rare bit of good
decision making and canceled the upcoming Rose Ceremony. He then announced that
the show would be traveling to Bimini. The women were all beyond excited,
unlike myself who hastily Googled “where is Bimini?” during the upcoming
commercial break.
I Google image searched Bimini. Is this it?
Once in Bimini, Nick grabs Vanessa for the first one on one
date of the evening. The two hop onto a yacht where Vanessa immediately tries
to make Nick apologize for his antics last week. Both spout off clichés and
meaningless metaphors until neither is mad anymore. Granted, neither is mad
because they have been talking in circles for over an hour, but at least they
are not mad.
Later at dinner, Vanessa tells Nick that she is falling in
love with him. Nick responds by immediately breaking eye contact and mumbling
something about how he only wants to say, “I love you” to one person. I’m not
sure what kind of mental math Nick is working with here, but he needs to show
his work. I’ve personally blogged about him saying, “I love you” to at least
two women. However he is explaining this sudden inability to express love, it
is lost on me.
Next came the group date between Corinne, Kristina, and
Raven. Because Bimini is small and there isn’t much to actually do, Nick takes
the three women back out on the same boat he and Vanessa were just on. The four
date goers go snorkeling with sharks before Kristina suddenly realizes that
sharks can eat people and hurriedly swims back to the boat. Nick swims after her
leaving Corinne and Raven alone in the ocean surrounded by sharks. Somehow this
qualifies as a “good date.”
Nick, back on the boat.
Later that evening, Nick pulls each of the women aside individually.
First is Kristina to whom he apologizes for his recent emotional outbursts.
Kristina comforts him by shrugging and making out with him. Somehow I can’t
help but feel like Nick got the better end of the deal in this exchange.
Meaningless though Nick’s conversation with Kristina was,
his conversations with Raven and Corinne were downright pointless. Raven told
Nick that her dad used to have lung cancer but is fine now, which led to a
well-deserved awkward silence. Then Corinne told him she was upset to have
never received a one on one date. It was a fair criticism that Nick countered
by saying, “but our relationship is good!” This non-sequitor calmed Corinne
long enough for Nick to run away and give the date rose to Raven. What a
complete waste of time.
Danielle M’s date came next. She and Nick rode bikes,
visited local shops, and got schooled in basketball by some local youths,
because again, there isn’t much to do on Bimini. I don’t know if it was the
weeks of nonstop drinking, or the lack of glamorous activities, but Nick and
Danielle’s date fell completely flat. The two spent a majority of their time
asking close-ended questions and staring into the middle distance hoping
something noteworthy would happen.
It never did.
Hard to imagine the guy chugging foam wouldn't be a stunning conversationalist.
Later that night, Danielle would attempt to save her
relationship by telling Nick, “You’re fun to have fun with” before confessing
her love. Nick on the other hand grimaced so hard it was hard to imagine he
wasn’t already planning to break up with her. Nick goes on to give his standard
rambling monologue about how “great you are,” and how, “I can’t love you like I
need to,” before finally dumping Danielle. He has used the same speech for
nearly every break up to this point, but damn if it isn’t effective.
Danielle returns to the house to pack her belongings crying
all along the way. At one point, Danielle stopped and stared at the door,
wishing for Nick to come through and take her back. This hits way too close to home. May the road rise
to meet you, Danielle.
No matter what, we'll always have whatever this is.
Seeing Danielle leave and realizing that she could be next,
Corinne takes it upon herself to chug a liter of wine before storming off to
sexually assault Nick. She meanders through the resort before stumbling upon
Nick’s room and sweet-talking her way inside. There, after half a drink,
Corinne pulls Nick into the bedroom and attempts to play sexy games with him.
Nick puts a stop to this almost immediately out of respect for the other women,
but also because even he isn’t drunk enough for this shit. Corinne, on the
other hand, leaves humiliated.
The final date of the evening went to Rachel and I honestly
can’t think of a more pointless date this season. Rachel was great, of course,
but the recent news of her being named the next Bachelorette renders everything that happens in the coming weeks
completely pointless. At this point, I’m just riding out the weeks until
Rachel’s season.
"Look how black she is! I'm a hero!" - Mike Fleiss
The episode ends with Nick arriving at the women’s house and
asking to speak to Kristina. He pulls her outside and tells her that he has
love for her, but isn’t in love with her. Despite her insistence to remain,
Nick does not want to drag Kristina along unnecessarily and without reason. The
two share a tearful goodbye as the episode ends.
That’s all until next week.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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