Tuesday, February 7, 2017

The Bachelor: Cats Have Nine Lives, Bitches Have Two

Schadenfreude – “Taking pleasure in the misfortune of others.”

Keep that word in mind, as it’s basically all I can think about after watching an astounding six women be sent home on last night’s episode of The Bachelor.

If it sounds like I'm repeating myself, I'm sorry, but last night's episode of The Bachelor begins with more Corinne drama. For once, however, Corinne isn't the one actively antagonizing the rest of the cast. This time it's the recently eliminated Taylor, who crashed Corinne's date with Nick in an effort to destroy their relationship. Talking a mile a minute, Taylor pulls Nick aside and tells him that Corinne is a liar and that she was the reason Taylor was eliminated from the show. After a pause, Nick tells Taylor that Corinne had nothing to do with her being sent home and that he just didn't like her that much. Judging from the look on her face, Taylor had not considered this as a possibility and politely excuses herself from the rest of the evening.

"I've made a huuuuuge mistake."

Lest you feel bad for Corinne's ruined date, you should know that following Taylor's dismissal, Corinne announced, “I’m a good person until you give me a reason not to be.” I’m sure Corinne didn’t realize she was describing a bad person here, but it really doesn’t matter because she’s right. Corinne is a bad person.

With Taylor officially gone, Nick continues to clean house at the next rose ceremony by sending Alexis, Jami, and Josephine home. Neither Jami nor Josephine’s departures elicited much response from me. Both women seemed nice but were never really contenders. I was sad to see Alexis go, however. It’s not every day you see a shark dolphin on reality TV. She’s swimming with the angels now.

What are you doing, Nick? Don't you know she's an endangered species?!

With four women freshly departed, Nick takes the remaining women to the island of St. Thomas, for what was supposed to be some casual beach fun. That went out the window almost immediately when Nick decided to take Kristina on the only one on one date of the evening. Don’t get me wrong, Kristina is a very sweet, interesting, and (despite being from Kentucky) intelligent person. However, her childhood spent growing up in a Russian orphanage does not make her the most casual, “fun in the sun” kind of date.

Intrigued by her story, Nick decides to go full Ronald Reagan and tries to tear down some Russian walls to get Kristina to open up about her past. Since I don’t want to cry while writing this, I’ll give you the truncated version of Kristina’s story. Kristina grew up in a small Russian town in the mid 90’s in a family so poor they resorted to eating lipstick. When Kristina was a child, she was kicked out of her mother’s house for eating more than her one allowed meal a day and spent the next 8 years in an orphanage before being adopted in America. To this day, Kristina has unanswered questions about her mother and survivors’ guilt for the other children she left behind in the orphanage.

Nick immediately gives Kristina a rose as compensation for a lifetime of pain. I can only assume this made everything better.

Hers is the most Russian story I have ever heard.

After Kristina’s date, Nick attempts to restart the fun by taking six of the remaining women to a nearby island for a group date. The date is more Hunger Games than beach games, however, as Nick has the women all do shots and then forces them to play volleyball. He seemed shocked when the drunk, exhausted women quit almost immediately, refusing to compete for Nick’s attention. One by one, the women storm off to cry alone, leaving Nick by himself wondering how making drunk women compete for attention could have possibly ended so badly.

Later that night, after things have settled down a little, Nick reconvenes the group to try and salvage some of the day. Unfortunately for him, the women are still upset over being made to compete and decide to let him know it. The general consensus seemed to be that it’s not fun to compete against your friends for time with your boyfriend. Nick obviously had never thought of this before, since the last four years of his life have been almost exclusively devoted to reality TV dating.

"How am I 35 and this clueless?"

While Nick is having revelations, Jasmine is fuming. Not only is she the only woman on the show to have not yet received a one on one date, she is becoming increasingly more manic about that fact. Jasmine spends most of the night fuming and ranting to anyone within earshot that she deserves to be a front-runner for Nick’s heart.

By the time Nick finally sat down to talk to Jasmine, she was so excited she could barely form coherent sentences. She mostly alternated between telling Nick there was so much more of her left to discover and threatening to choke him. The choking became particularly uncomfortable after Jasmine said, “don’t worry, it’s sexual.” For the record, there is literally no situation that cannot be made more awkward in using the phrase, “don’t worry, it’s sexual.”

"Don't worry, it's sexual." - Marquis De Sade

It’s hard to say if Nick was more confused by Jasmine’s rambling or threats of BDSM. Regardless, he decides to send her home. To her credit, Jasmine leaves gracefully, without attempting to crush Nick’s windpipe in her hands.

The final date of the evening was another two on one between Whitney and Danielle L. The two women were shocked to be chosen for the date because they were not only friends, but considered to be frontrunners up until this point. I was shocked because up until this point I had actually forgotten that Whitney was on the show.

This might be her? I honestly don't know.

Nick and the women travel to a nearby beach, where Nick takes one on one time with each woman. He first tells Whitney that she is “really beautiful,” and that he really likes her. He then reminisces with Danielle L about their first date together in Waukesha. Inexplicably, this results in Nick telling Whitney that he wants to try too hard for their relationship and then sends her home. I’m not sure what mental gymnastics Nick had to go through to say, “I want to try hard to make us work, now get out,” but I’m willing to bet he sprained an ankle in the process.

After leaving Whitney on the beach, Nick and Danielle L head to dinner. There, Nick tells Danielle that he loves their raw and passionate relationship. Danielle agrees and says she is falling in love. Nick grimaces at this and says despite everything he just said, he doesn’t actually feel the same about Danielle L. Only several minutes into dinner, Nick says, “I hope I’m not screwing this up,” before screwing everything up by sending Danielle L home.

Nick. You. Are. Screwing. This. Up.

With Danielle and Whitney both gone in the same night, a visibly distraught Nick stumbles into the remaining women’s suite. He begins crying almost immediately and then tells the women that he isn’t sure he will be able to love any of them. Before anyone can respond to his ominous message, Nick abruptly leaves the hotel and wanders into the night.

Gossip Squirrel

1 comment:

  1. just a correction

    >When Kristina was a child, she was kicked out of her mother’s house for eating more than her one allowed meal a day and spent the next 8 years in an orphanage before being adopted in America.

    I'm pretty sure Kristina was kicked out FOR eating one meal that day. I think the story was her mother told her she was going to by food, and to eat nothing until she returned. When she returned, Kristina had eaten something and her mom got pissed